In approximately 22 hours I will tell a therapist that I am for sure not a cis man and I’m tired of pretending and that I want help. This will be the first time I have said this to anyone, I suppose technically barring this post right here.
Since I made the appointment, my whole body has been painfully tense and my stomach feels like I’m on a roller coaster. I can’t tell if I want to cry or throw up or squeal with joy. I can’t seem to relax at all or focus on anything. The level of emotional turmoil I am experiencing is… not comfortable.
I think that’s good, right? Emotions are hard. But I wouldn’t feel this way if it wasn’t important to me, I think. So much of this process has been learning not to second guess myself and accepting that growth can be painful.
Anyway wish me luck. Starting something is always scary because you don’t know how it’s gonna turn out. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, I suppose. Thanks for listening.
I am a CIS male, so I can empathize some but not really relate to your personal struggle, but I support you and wish you the best. It took courage to do what you did. Change is HARD.
What I can relate to is your response. It is very similar to when I finally told a friend that my wife had cheated on me.
It forced me to confront the situation and do something about it instead of just hiding from the pain and hoping it would go away.
My hands were shaking and I could barely focus, as I was meeting them, knowing I was about to ruin their lunch. (They were really supportive as they had gone through something similar, but I still feel like I ambushed them.)
Therapy has helped me immensely. Helping me untwist this fucked view my brain had created out of self defense.
I don’t know you but I truly wish for you a positive journey of growth toward the you that you were meant to be.