I don’t have a lot of people to turn to, never really have… I’ve been pretty isolated most of my life, so I’ve just sort of muddled through by reading a lot and trying to figure out how to deal with stuff on my own.
But I’m not really sure how to handle this. I’m disabled and have been most of my life, and I haven’t really let it stop me for the most part. It gets in the way, but I brute force my way through. Often to my own detriment.
I guess I’m not doing as well as I thought… I’m applying for a disability upgrade, and one of the things I can submit is statements in support of my claim, letters from the people around me about how my disability impacts my life, and theirs. If this doesn’t sound like a normal disability process that’s because this is the VA service-connected disability process, rather than a normal one.
Anyway, I asked a couple of my closest friends to write something up about how they have seen the impacts, and it low-key hurt my soul to read. Reading how they have been negatively impacted by my limitations, and how they view what I go through has been the worst kind of eye opening.
And I’m not sure how to deal with that, or even where to look.
If you’ve got motherly or fatherly advice, if you’ve been through similar, if you’ve been through something else hard, please feel free to share. Anything helps.
There’s not really enough detail to provide truly informed advice, but in a very general sense, here’s what I imagine my chosen perspective would be if I were in similar circumstances…
In a manner, the things your closest friends stated on your behalf are no different than if you are submitting a resume for your dream job. It’s similar to describing your prior experience in the very best possible light (ex: your job title might’ve been janitor, but your resume says “Directed maintenance of critical intraoffice resources and facilities”). Your references, if well chosen, are going to make you sound like the second coming of Jesus.
The people closest to you probably really want to help you get that disability upgrade, right? So, their impact statements may seem brutally honest to you, but there’s also likely some degree of almost embellishment (that’s not quite the right word, but hopefully it still gets the point across). Like, they’re not going to say, “I have to drive ButteryMonkey to a lot of their appointments, but it’s no problem, most of the time I’m already heading to that general area anyway and besides, it gives us more opportunities to spend time together.” They’re going to really hammer home on the troubling or burdensome aspects of coordinating transport so that it’s clear you’re in need of extra help.
On the other hand, if these impact statements do hit a little close to home for you, then no matter where you are in life, it seems like there’s opportunity for introspection and growth. These friends could have easily lied about the impacts, made things up, or just declined to help. Instead they chose to be truthful and help.
For the introspection part: If you feel hurt and surprised by the things your friends said, you may have some work to do on yourself. This is not me judging you, I don’t know anything about you to have an opinion, let alone a judgement. We all have aspects of ourselves that we need to work on.But, it’s important to be honest with yourself. If you have low esteem or mental illness, it could make their otherwise reasonable observations feel like daggers. If you’re avoidant or combative when someone provides criticisms, then that’s something you can work on. If you just don’t pay attention enough to other people and their needs, so much so that their feelings are surprising, then that might be a sign you need to put a bit more effort into empathy and/or observant.
For growth: Again, I can’t provide any specifics, but this could be the start of a conversation with folks that brings you closer to them. The important thing is to be open and honest, but also assume the best about them, show grace, and give them the benefit of the doubt. They’ve helped, or tried to help, so most likely these aren’t people who think you’re some terrible monster. Now’s the chance to be emotionally vulnerable and grow closer with your friends. We all have friends, none of whom are perfect, right? Can’t expect perfection from ourselves or others. But also, if it’s bothering you, best not to bottle it up and let it fester.
That’s a good way to frame it, thank you. They are providing me an excellent reference for the position I really need to be in. I hate needing to ask for help in the first place (support has been lacking in my life) and that probably makes this whole thing feel worse.
I have AutDHD, and rejection sensitive dysphoria, to boot, so I’m a bit of a sensitive mess about stuff, however that’s also why I sometimes like to get outside thoughts before I act on any of it. I know I’m a sensitive mess and I want to reframe things so I can approach them properly.
Most of what they mentioned I knew, and I know they played it up for the sake of the job. There were some things I hadn’t considered because they didn’t seem connected to me. They made some connections that have me on that introspection ride, and dealing with that has been the major challenge. I’ve always asked people to be honest and upfront with me and it feels like maybe they haven’t been, but maybe because it doesn’t rise to the level of concern. I don’t know, and I don’t know if it’s worth pursuing.
Seeing an exaggeration of my burden hurts too, but I literally asked for that. I can’t fault them for delivering. One sent me multiple drafts and asked if they should add more, because they had a lot to say. And I said write as much as you want, they have to read it all.