(Austin, Texas) Citing the rapid destruction of the country, Republican voters are announcing they will shorten their twenty-year commitment to voting against the interests of the country, and will now accept the heartfelt apology of Americans for the election of Barack Obama. “We know you feel sorry for what you done,” said a statement released on Facebook, a media platform used by Republicans. “Give us your apology now, and we will stop destroying America to hurt you back. Do it now, before everything gets broken in the midterms.”

Republican voters helped usher in a period where their party controls all three branches of government, and despite constant insistence that democrats are responsible for the high costs, failing infrastructure, and loss of national prestige, doubts have surfaced that the current administration is blameless. When asked why they were angry about Obama’s election, voters were vague about the reason.

Some Americans say placating Republicans would backfire. “They will keep doing this whenever they want if there are no consequences,” said one American who asked not to be identified due to fears of retaliation for not speaking positively about the trump administration. “This is an abusive relationship. If you believe they can change, you’re an idiot.”

But not everyone share that opinion. Chuck Schumer, Democratic Minority Leader in the Senate, said, “this is a change of heart by the Republican voter. We always knew they could change, and that if we tried hard enough, we could win their electorate with our love.”

Not all Republicans feel the destruction of the country is a good enough reason to stop voting wildly. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in northern Maine, said, “I don’t vote like I do because I’m racist. I vote this way because one day, I’ll be really rich… and I don’t want to pay taxes when all the roads are already built.”