By the way this is the second time this has happend.
You know it sucks because I have been feeling suicidal lately and I’ve been seriously thinking about it. This just makes me want to let go even more.
Fuck the world, Fuck people like this. I don’t even feel safe walking outside because I might get attacked or harassed by some right wing asshole who hates me because of who I am. What the fuck is happening. Why do I deserve this? Why? Why? Why?!! I’ve been crying about this soo much my throat is raw and I can barely cry anymore. It’s so unfair. Just because I was born a boy people treat me so horribly. People want to kill me. People want me to die. Well I want to die. I would rather die than live in a world like this. Fuck me, fuck my life. I wish I was never fucking born. FUUUUUCK!
Edit: I’m going to go cry quietly under my bed, it’s the place I feel safest right now.
Update: Thank you for everyone who commented with support. I feel slightly better. At least in regards to what happened. These are hard times and it’s hard not to feel hopeless from what I’ve seen and heard IRL but at the very least you all have made me feel like it might be worth it to try. I hope there will one day be a day when people like us don’t face such hell just for existing.
yeah, don’t get me wrong, we absolutely need to fight back - but we need to do that in ways that aren’t just CeCe McDonald pulling her little scissors out and desperately fighting off a man who smashed a beer glass on her face and pursued her when she tried to flee. The Black Panthers were an organized group who survived interactions with the police by showing up in force. Individuals on their own get targeted and victimized. When we form groups and fight back together it’s much harder to do that.
So I don’t really consider punching a bully a form of praxis, nor would I say my decision not to punch was some kind of MLK non-violence in practice - I reject non-violence, but I also reject stupid and risky violence.
Part of the reason we don’t have a trans Black Panthers is that we are only 1% of the population, and we’re evenly distributed across the population. Except in some rare cases like the Tenderloin in San Francisco or the Meatpacking District in NYC, trans folks have not generally been forced into ghettos together the way racial minorities have been, and that has limited our embodied collective action.
That said, I think trans people might still find protection in groups now through LGBT+ groups. Even if not militant, I do think showing up at a pride parade offers a sense of safety in numbers that connects with what I’m talking about.
Also, personally I lived in the southern US and in the context of an overtly hostile public and being visibly trans, I definitely was more careful about what spaces I went to, and I tended to choose to spend more time in LGBT+ spaces (e.g. there was a trans-owned coffee shop for a time where the community sort of congregated). Part of that is also about having “backup” in the face of random violence or bullying from the public - together we were safer.
Also, I’m not sure I necessarily recommend reading Stone Butch Blues; it’s a classic work of queer literature, but it’s also a traumatizing read, and not even a particularly trans-affirming book in my opinion. At the very least, read at your own risk.