Important to note: I have OCD, and I seem to have this obsession with the idea of me being transphobic. I am a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I have known this for years, and I try my best to support everyone. I have a lot of trans friends, I love them a lot, and treat them and see them as I would anyone else.
So, I feel like I’m transphobic. Is there any evidence of this? No. I’ve been a vocal supporter about LGBTQ+ rights for years (online), including trans rights, but I’ve recently become increasingly anxious at the thought of me being transphobic.
This likely stems from my questioning of my own gender, often times I feel that I am not quite male, maybe that I’m nonbinary or genderfluid. I mentioned this to my nonbinary friend, and they said “you don’t seem nonbinary”. This sent me spiraling, questioning my own gender and identity, and questioning if I was transphobic for believing that I was nonbinary (or possibly genderfluid, as at times I feel very comfortable being male, but at others I feel a lot more feminine).
At some point, I have to accept the fact that this is delusion, but I still really feel like I need guidance/assurance. I do not really know what to do about this.
(ANOTHER WORRY I HAVE is acting so paranoid and making it seem like I think trans people are going to cancel me and ruin my life if I say anything wrong, like a lot of transphobic people claim and act like. This is NOT AT ALL my intention, but I know I probably come off that way.)
Rule of thumb, you are the only one who gets to decide your gender and how you express it. For example I recently came out as gender-queer (he/they/she). I was born male, and I look masculine. I have no issue with identifying as male, but I found it limiting and not representative of the whole me. On the surface though no one would notice that unless I told them. At least for now. I am working on being more comfortable publicly expressing in more feminine ways. That is to say I don’t “look” gender-queer or non-binary, doesnt make me any less so.
In terms of transphobia, I think you outline exactly why you aren’t transphobic. You treat trans people how they want to be treated, with respect. You are accepting of it, you even identify with it. Unless other people are calling out specific behavior regularly, I wouldnt worry about being considered transphobic. Personally, I found myself wondering how anything you mentioned could be considered transphobic, so take that as evidence that you are not transphobic. Explore your gender identity and dont let others control how you identify or how you express it. Gender expression and identity are two different things and they don’t always line up neatly. The whole point of being queer is not letting others fit you into their narrow boxes.
Thank you for your comment and kind words. Another person on the other post I made mentioned that there are some types of OCD where one is fixated on the fear of doing something taboo, I probably have that, where I am fixated on the fear of being transphobic when I know I am not.
I also seem to have this sort of double standard for myself and for others (if that is the right term). For others, of course nobody else can tell them what their gender is! For me, well, my friend is actually nonbinary so they are the better authority on the matter than I am as a cis man. It is strange and I don’t really know how to get past that. I have been trying to ignore these feelings that I am not fully male, and it is making me insane.