Important to note: I have OCD, and I seem to have this obsession with the idea of me being transphobic. I am a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I have known this for years, and I try my best to support everyone. I have a lot of trans friends, I love them a lot, and treat them and see them as I would anyone else.

So, I feel like I’m transphobic. Is there any evidence of this? No. I’ve been a vocal supporter about LGBTQ+ rights for years (online), including trans rights, but I’ve recently become increasingly anxious at the thought of me being transphobic.

This likely stems from my questioning of my own gender, often times I feel that I am not quite male, maybe that I’m nonbinary or genderfluid. I mentioned this to my nonbinary friend, and they said “you don’t seem nonbinary”. This sent me spiraling, questioning my own gender and identity, and questioning if I was transphobic for believing that I was nonbinary (or possibly genderfluid, as at times I feel very comfortable being male, but at others I feel a lot more feminine).

At some point, I have to accept the fact that this is delusion, but I still really feel like I need guidance/assurance. I do not really know what to do about this.

(ANOTHER WORRY I HAVE is acting so paranoid and making it seem like I think trans people are going to cancel me and ruin my life if I say anything wrong, like a lot of transphobic people claim and act like. This is NOT AT ALL my intention, but I know I probably come off that way.)

  • TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    6·
    7 days ago

    Your friend should not have said that - gender is internal, it can’t “seem” a certain way to others.

    Also, I know I am transphobic, but only to myself, so… …it’s fine?

      • TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
        4·
        7 days ago

        You would know that better than me. Do you tell yourself transphobic narratives about how you’re not really nonbinary because [TERF argument insert here]?

        • RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
          3·
          7 days ago

          I tell myself I am not nonbinary because my nonbinary friend said so, and them as a real nonbinary person are a better authority on subject than me as a cisgender man. (I know this logic is flawed but I cannot change my thoughts that easily even when I know this is not logical.)

            • RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
              1·
              7 days ago

              Well, how most people define it as the gender identity that is not strictly the man or the woman.

              The way that I thought I was, before my friend told me otherwise, was that I was mostly male but had some not binary elements in the gender? (Apologies for the bad English.) Like, sometimes I feel very masculine and I like looking and being seen as male, but other times I feel much less masculine and I want to wear things like skirts and paint my nails and have the long hair.

              • TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
                2·
                7 days ago

                So is it about liking different things at different times for you, then? Like, how you feel about your gender expression changes over time?

                Also, how do you feel about your body? When you like expressing yourself more feminine, do you mind your body being masculine at all, or is it purely the presentation part of gender?

                • RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
                  2·
                  7 days ago

                  It changes very often, like some days I feel like a man and some days I feel less like a man and some days I feel barely like a man.

                  I have never actually expressed myself femininely outside of growing out my hair (which many people in my life dislike.). I do not mind having a masculine body, I would prefer it over a feminine body, I just wish I could express myself differently sometimes when I want to.

                  • TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
                    5·
                    7 days ago

                    Thanks for sharing that, that helps me understand you a lot better!

                    I’m definitely not trying to tell you how you feel, that’s for you to know for yourself, and you definitely know more about yourself that I do from just reading your comments.

                    However, that said,

                    It changes very often, like some days I feel like a man and some days I feel less like a man and some days I feel barely like a man.

                    sounds a lot to me like being genderflux - meaning your gender oscillates between one gender (male, in your case) and agender (not having a gender at all) or possibly some other nonbinary identity, depending on what you mean by ‘not a man’, without ever crossing onto the other side of the spectrum.

                    The fact that you prefer having a masculine body over a feminine body suggests to me that you’re at least masculine of center, rather than transfeminine, but you could still be various forms of nonbinary that are masculine of center - agender, genderflux, demiboy, etc.

                    And it’s also important to note that gender presentation is not the same as gender identity - you can want to express yourself in ways typically called ‘feminine’ without wanting to have a female body, and without being a woman - if you’re not.

                    But all in all, these are just guesses, are any of my suggestions helpful in understanding your identity? Do any of those terms resonate with you?