Important to note: I have OCD, and I seem to have this obsession with the idea of me being transphobic. I am a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I have known this for years, and I try my best to support everyone. I have a lot of trans friends, I love them a lot, and treat them and see them as I would anyone else.
So, I feel like I’m transphobic. Is there any evidence of this? No. I’ve been a vocal supporter about LGBTQ+ rights for years (online), including trans rights, but I’ve recently become increasingly anxious at the thought of me being transphobic.
This likely stems from my questioning of my own gender, often times I feel that I am not quite male, maybe that I’m nonbinary or genderfluid. I mentioned this to my nonbinary friend, and they said “you don’t seem nonbinary”. This sent me spiraling, questioning my own gender and identity, and questioning if I was transphobic for believing that I was nonbinary (or possibly genderfluid, as at times I feel very comfortable being male, but at others I feel a lot more feminine).
At some point, I have to accept the fact that this is delusion, but I still really feel like I need guidance/assurance. I do not really know what to do about this.
(ANOTHER WORRY I HAVE is acting so paranoid and making it seem like I think trans people are going to cancel me and ruin my life if I say anything wrong, like a lot of transphobic people claim and act like. This is NOT AT ALL my intention, but I know I probably come off that way.)
Thank you for your kind words.
It is very strange and foreign for gender to be put that way, compared to other things like black and white where most things are not so objective, it is a bit confusing for me to read it, but it makes so much sense! All of the people around me in my life do believe in gender being strictly binary (and that God created gender for the human), but this thinking makes so much more sense to me.
Do you know how to change my mindset, so I can tell myself I may not be a cis man fully without me thinking that I am transphobic for having these thoughts?
Just trust in your own intuitions, and if something feels right, go with it. Experiment, try out different cloths or hairstyles, just have fun with it. If you decide you don’t like something after giving it a try, then oh well, try something else. Just find what works for you and makes you happy.
I can’t do that in real life very much, I still need to look and dress masculine. I have longer hair to shoulders, but that is as much as I can do, and if I start dressing less masculine, the people in my life will be becoming suspicious.
You can do all this in private to see how you feel about it. Most trans an nonbinary people experiment in private before ever coming out publicly.