Hi,
I don’t know if I actually “qualify” to post here, but since I have some levels of transfem or feminine self-identity, I think it might be worth asking. I’m technically in the phase where I’m still trying to figure out what the hell I identify myself as, despite my age, so like… there’s that.
I went to see a therapist who specializes in gender identity. It was pretty nice to be able to “come clean” about myself in a way that was non-judgemental and I was perhaps so gung-ho to talk about it that they were pretty amazed with how comfortable I was talking about it. What they didn’t know is that I was really thinking about it every day for a week before my appointment, even grappling how honest I would be.
Anyway, long story short, there’s a mutual understanding from both me and my therapist that I have to at least talk to my current long term girlfriend about my gender questioning and get some kind of thumbs up or down on whether she’s comfortable with me talking to someone or at least reflecting on myself. I felt bad enough going to the first appointment “secretly”, despite my body being my own choice but as life partners it feels wrong. Since I might be more gender fluid or non-binary, technically, I’d personally be fine “coping” with myself as I am if that was her preference (I mean this sincerely) if otherwise our relationship would end – I value her more than I value my “identity”, if that makes sense.
There’s certain aspects to this relationship that are going to be very different from most: The US policy of the last 6 to 8 years has put us in stasis a bit where we’re stuck long distance, so realistically speaking the next time I can see her in person is probably later this year in the fall. This is probably too long for me to wait before mentioning it, so I’m going to have to try to find some way to make this work in a phone call (or video call).
Anyway, I’m curious to know if anyone else here who came out with partners have any stories about how this went. I’ve heard it usually goes kind of tits-up, so I’m a bit anxious to bring it up especially over the phone. Part of me thinks that my girlfriend basically already knows because the hints can get pretty extreme, but you never know what people will actually think once it’s “confirmed” or not hahaha.
The long-distance thing is hard. I would say however much you’re communicating with your girlfriend now, do it more. Double it, i don’t know. If you care about each other, then you both want to support each other through this. You don’t even have to ONLY talk about being trans, just talking and being attuned to each other will go a long way.
In my experience, my partner has been my greatest ally, and I don’t know if I could’ve done it without her. Even still, when I was questioning and deep in dysphoria, she struggled a lot to see what our relationship would become. We wrestled with the whole thing together: are we still attracted to each other? Are we still happy together? It wasn’t easy, but good communication has really helped, and I think we’re better at that than ever.
Therapy is also huge. You mentioned checking with your girlfriend to see if it’s okay for you to go to a therapist, and honestly, if she said no that would be a huge red flag. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with it for some reason, but in my opinion it’s nonnegotiable.