Hi,
I don’t know if I actually “qualify” to post here, but since I have some levels of transfem or feminine self-identity, I think it might be worth asking. I’m technically in the phase where I’m still trying to figure out what the hell I identify myself as, despite my age, so like… there’s that.
I went to see a therapist who specializes in gender identity. It was pretty nice to be able to “come clean” about myself in a way that was non-judgemental and I was perhaps so gung-ho to talk about it that they were pretty amazed with how comfortable I was talking about it. What they didn’t know is that I was really thinking about it every day for a week before my appointment, even grappling how honest I would be.
Anyway, long story short, there’s a mutual understanding from both me and my therapist that I have to at least talk to my current long term girlfriend about my gender questioning and get some kind of thumbs up or down on whether she’s comfortable with me talking to someone or at least reflecting on myself. I felt bad enough going to the first appointment “secretly”, despite my body being my own choice but as life partners it feels wrong. Since I might be more gender fluid or non-binary, technically, I’d personally be fine “coping” with myself as I am if that was her preference (I mean this sincerely) if otherwise our relationship would end – I value her more than I value my “identity”, if that makes sense.
There’s certain aspects to this relationship that are going to be very different from most: The US policy of the last 6 to 8 years has put us in stasis a bit where we’re stuck long distance, so realistically speaking the next time I can see her in person is probably later this year in the fall. This is probably too long for me to wait before mentioning it, so I’m going to have to try to find some way to make this work in a phone call (or video call).
Anyway, I’m curious to know if anyone else here who came out with partners have any stories about how this went. I’ve heard it usually goes kind of tits-up, so I’m a bit anxious to bring it up especially over the phone. Part of me thinks that my girlfriend basically already knows because the hints can get pretty extreme, but you never know what people will actually think once it’s “confirmed” or not hahaha.
My wife is enby (genderqueer she/they) and had actually explored her gender for a few years before I did (though I didn’t know it was quite so far, I thought they were just trying out a new style), so my situation won’t mirror yours exactly or be super relatable. I first started questioning my gender in mid 2024. For the 3 years prior, I had been just saying I’m “gender non-conforming” and would wear stuff like skirts around the house and little decorations and clips and stuff in my hair. I basically just brought it up as “I’ve been questioning my gender.”
They said they knew for sure as soon as I started talking about questioning since I didn’t immediately have a solid answer. “I couldn’t be trans, right? Nah. I’m just a guy who likes feminine things… Right?” Apparently isn’t something cis men generally ask themselves.
So… She decided not to break the egg prime directive, and some two months later after getting sick of hearing me hem and haw about it, asked me if I wanted to try some things out. “How would you feel if I said you’re my wife?” … And my heart skipped a beat. Breath caught. I may have cried a little. They pulled me into their arms and have been my biggest supporter ever since.
I share that because I know I’m in a unique situation of being so very supported - but I know seeing hopeful and good stories can help others so I wanted to share.