I used to see my cat do this. She’d look at me, as if to ask permission to hunt the bug. And I’d always say in a playful voice “Git dat bug! Get em! Didja get em??? Get dat bug!”

Which I’m glad she always “asked”, because one time a bee flew in. And she gave her little look and meow that said “get him?” And I was like “NOOOOOOOO!!!” and grabbed her collar. Then I said “Thats Frank. We don’t get Frank. We open the window, and let Frank go, because he’s good for the environment! Also he will stab you.”

And then my cat said “Wow! You sure do make a lot of friends when you leave the house every day for roughly 10 hours, AND NEVER INVITE ME OR BRING ME!!! Then sometimes you come home smelling like other cats? You think I don’t notice? Yeah I just don’t say anything! But now you’re bringing psychopaths into my home??? No no no sir! This has gone too far! You got some explaining to do mister!!!”

And then Frank said “Excuse me, fine lady and sir. I seem to have gotten seperated from my colony and daily life of having sex with flowers. Could you by chance help me by opening this window a tad? I would be most gracious!”

So then my cat said “I thought you said he was a stabber?”

And Frank said “Only in self defense, fair lady! For I am but a humble bumble bee. I make honey with my bisexual bee bois. We have a whole nest just out past yonder.”

And then the duck said “Quack quack!”

And I said “When did we get a duck?”

I love how when I started reading this comment, I thought it was going to be some deep dive into the structural integrity of the main bag being compromised by the wet bags, and it would lead to some analogy of how compromised our systems are.

Nope. Just a confusing shot at republicans that you didn’t see coming even as you read it. Like POW! HOW YA LIKE ME NOW??? and you’re just reading it like…

Oh ho ho ho! hearty chuckle

And then you get sad because you remember the whole world is still one massive dumpster fire.

Jeff Apple is walking down the stairs. I’ve met Jeff Apple. All the Apples really. Big family. Yuuuuge Apple family, some might say. And I’ll say it. Because nobody is saying it enough. Folks, wouldn’t it be great if we could all build a great big Apple?

“could be”.

:(

hug

Thats why I get downvoted for saying if I got in office as president, Day 1, universal health care, universal basic income, everyone gets manditory free vaccines, and everybody gets slapped in the face.

People just think it’s a bad idea for some reason.

No no no. I’ll make it more exciting to watch.

Ok, so first off, everybody loves violence. So the first thing we’re doing is giving every player a knife. They’re free to use it however they like. Except the goalie. The goalie gets a chainsaw. All the refs gets flame throwers.

Ok, so next we want to increase female viewership. So now all the athletes are going to have a uniform that is only a bra and panties, sponsered by Victoria Secret.

No more groups. It’s now one group. Elimination tournament style.

And now, the soccer ball is filled with a bunch of beans. These beans are filled with rice size atomic bombs. If the ball is shot with a special liquid, the protective layer around the ball is melted away. And now the ball is one big explosive with a timer. Nobody knows when it’ll blow up. This is only used in sudden death overtime.

And the airplanes above the field release toxin gas that makes everybody horny as hell. That’s when drunk people in the stands start fucking.

Your dad sounds awesome!

Unclear if you worked for the army, or for Mcdonalds. Either way you were probably paid about the same, and had to go to war every day.

I hate that you’re probably right.

Everytime I see some situation with an obvious outcome that benefits everyone that isn’t happening, the answer is always “because money”.

I work 7 days a week with 4 different jobs. I don’t have time to go out, much less have friends. But I have walked out of places and stopped in a gym signup process because they required a cell phone to use their service.

“Hi, I’d like a menu”

“Oh, our resteraunt only has QR codes.”

“Ok, bye bye.”

I just don’t scan QR codes.

So the military has been bound by the same handcuffs that McDonalds is with it’s ice cream machines?

It was messed up that McDonalds agreed to that. It’s TERRIFYING that the group in charge of our military ever did.

During the civil war in the usa in the 1800s, locals would leave their house, bring a blanket, and a picnic basket. They would sit on top of a hill, and watch the battle, like it was entertainment.

Maybe that’s making a comeback?

Majority of small, 100% of large.

Yeah…thats covered under being a bunch of cunts. Only a cunt would do that.

I’m not a smoker, so no cigerette needed.

The bigger motivation is…how much is this kid being an asshole? Oh, come on. You know the ones. Being a fuckin asshole in public, just a damn 5 year old with parents who shouldn’t be parents.

Whenever I see these kids, I give them the middle finger. You never see adults give the middle finger to kids. These kids have never been given the middle finger. They get SO upset! They don’t know what to do!

Hey, if their parents won’t do anything, fuck it. I’ll flip off a kid. Not like I’m corrupting a kid that isn’t being raised anyways. All these parents ignoring their kids…if I’d have stole candy as a 5 year old, my mom or dad would have backhanded me! Recent science suggests thats not the best solution, but I’d accept parents doing that as opposed to NOTHING AT ALL!

I should give the parents the finger too, now that I think about it.

No Bones in the Couch

This is the fog version of “No Sex in the Champaign Room”.

…I swear I’m the only one who remembers that.

You’re gonna pre?

DUDE!!!

…ME TOO!

That was just Quinton Tarentino. He had nothing to do with TSA. He just flies a lot, wears a blue shirt, and sniffs peoples feet.

Does the same thing in Best Buy.