I’m not considering it to make them understand or hurt them, god no, never, they are too precious to me, more than I can express, and they know it. That would be toxic and stupid. I have been struggling for a while, although they became the tipping point in my decision, they didn’t have to make my depression worse, made me feel I’m worthless, abandoned. They emotionally abandoned me when they didn’t have any reason to, had there been a reason it could have been handled in a better, more humane way. Apologizing after causing so much emotional trauma, damage and pain, yet neglecting my emotions isn’t okay…and then telling me to trust them just to shatter that trust…continuing to cause more pain even though they know I am hurting so much, I’m having such bad anxiety attacks…though they’re not the sole reason for my depression… but they did downright emotionally abandoned me (we’re close), leading me to have this crippling anxiety, constant anxiety attacks, worsening my depression…they know, they heard me. The amount of pain I have endured, the amount of pain they caused me isn’t okay. It could have been avoided but they chose to deliberately hurt me. I cannot even express it in plain words… I cried until I fell on my knee. I tried fighting my thoughts…I have no hope left. I have shattered all hope, I have no strength left. My mind rests now, I’m hurting so much, so so so much yet my mind rests because the decision has been made… No humanity left? So much cruelty, after everything? Why me? I am not considering it… I have considered it, I am moving ahead with it after setting my affairs. I always have so much trouble being honest, but the more I think about navigating through life, the more motivated I become on committing suicide.
I did my best, It only works on laptop/desktop…but made an interactive website on how I feel, maybe one day people can read my story, realize and be a bit kinder to one another, whoever will go through what I went through. 🥀
People do have power over you, people whom you trust, whom you show your vulnerable side. I never said they are the reason, I said it pushed me closer to the edge when I was barely holding off. That’s just how it is. If you claim that no one should have such power over you, then you’re just claiming that no one can affect you to this extent. People can make and break you if the relationship holds meaning. I shared part of the reason, another reason is ongoing family issues, which I find difficult for myself to open up. I know you’re trying to help, but I think you’ve misunderstood me.
I didn’t give someone power over my life I gave them trust. What I got in return was silence and emotional abandonment, right when I was barely holding on. That is downright cruel. I’m not blaming them for everything…but I’m allowed to feel broken by how I was treated.
This isn’t about solely blaming them it’s about being honest about the pain and how deeply it affected me. No one can resonate with my with it but me. Like you said everyone experiences it differently.
My feelings are valid. My story matters…maybe someone else feels less alone if they can relate. Sometimes, the most human thing you can do is sit with someone’s pain… not correct it.