I don’t have a lot of people to turn to, never really have… I’ve been pretty isolated most of my life, so I’ve just sort of muddled through by reading a lot and trying to figure out how to deal with stuff on my own.
But I’m not really sure how to handle this. I’m disabled and have been most of my life, and I haven’t really let it stop me for the most part. It gets in the way, but I brute force my way through. Often to my own detriment.
I guess I’m not doing as well as I thought… I’m applying for a disability upgrade, and one of the things I can submit is statements in support of my claim, letters from the people around me about how my disability impacts my life, and theirs. If this doesn’t sound like a normal disability process that’s because this is the VA service-connected disability process, rather than a normal one.
Anyway, I asked a couple of my closest friends to write something up about how they have seen the impacts, and it low-key hurt my soul to read. Reading how they have been negatively impacted by my limitations, and how they view what I go through has been the worst kind of eye opening.
And I’m not sure how to deal with that, or even where to look.
If you’ve got motherly or fatherly advice, if you’ve been through similar, if you’ve been through something else hard, please feel free to share. Anything helps.
OP, I appreciate you being vulnerable here.
First off, and maybe you know this for sure or not, your friends might have really played up everything for your benefit. I’ve been on both sides of grant applications, and every one I’ve ever written made it sound like whatever it was, was basically a life or death dire situation. The ones grant panels love do the same. The benefit of the doubt is that your friends maybe did this for you because they want you to get this upgrade. Unless you’ve confirmed this either way, consider it possible.
That doesn’t make it any easier to read what they wrote, confirmed over exaggerated statement or not. All I can say here is that this sucks and I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, your friends stick with you, through all they’ve expressed. That sounds like they might be some solid friends. Your disability isn’t your fault, and these friends, I assume, able and willing to help you out.
OP, this is a rough spot to be in, and thanks for reaching out to us.
You are absolutely right, and I do know they played it up for the sake of the claim. They, however, pointed out a lot of things I hadn’t even personally considered as impacts, and they are right. They brought up examples I’d forgotten about. They expressed everything with such kindness that I know it wasn’t meant to be hurtful, but it still hurts.
But you are also correct that they do stick with me in spite of it. We all have our own issues and we all make accommodations for each other, and they did mention times I showed up in a big way for them even though it was difficult. I hope that’s more how they see me than the parts I actually asked them to write about how bad it is heh :)
I appreciate your perspective, thank you for taking the time to help me manage these feelings.
100% for real. Over Thanksgiving, a friend’s kid was watching Green Bay vs. Detroit and throwing massive shade at a grown-ass adult also there from Green Bay. Kid was all in on Detroit (he’ll learn one day), so things got worse and worse for the kid. It’s just an 8 year old, right? At some point the kid got oddly personal and specific and just brutal. Stuff like “Yeah, well, your hair is like a balding baby and you’re bad at your job.” He wasn’t wrong, but…holy shit, homeboy from Green bay was genuinely shook by the kid just pointing out things he didn’t like about himself.
It’s normal to feel that way, because it fucking hurts. But it won’t kill you, and you also have a gift in that you have everything laid bare. If there’s anything you can fix or adapt or change, now you know. Some people go their whole lives without ever having that kind of honesty. Good intel, bad delivery is all. Take the hit, process, take a beat and figure out how you want to use it to bounce back in a better way. Very fucking easy for me to say. All you can do is try.
Oh man, kids are brutal when it comes to pointing out insecurities you have about yourself.
They don’t care if they destroy everything you are, they are going for maximum damage.
That’s a good point about having everything laid bare. It’ll be a challenge to separate out actionable issues, but at least I have somewhere to start. Thank you for that :)
The VA offers therapy in a few different formats. I bring this up as a disabled veteran myself, sometimes its just really nice to talk to another veteran who has been through the same thing and hear their perspective.
You have wonderful friends and I’m glad you have their support! But I also know from personal experience how difficult it is to upgrade a disability rating, so I really encourage you to ask your local cboc or VA facility to get you in touch with a peer support. They can even go along with you to the c&p exam to make sure you are heard, and help you talk about the things that are in those letters.
I now have 100% for PTSD, and if that’s what you’re trying to increase for, I can definitely say it’s a more difficult exam than the first one was