No one will ever care for me the way I care for them. There must be something so fundamentally repulsive about me, that people are willing to use me but the moment I try to open up I get cast aside. I dont blame them. No one wants a burden in their life. Maybe things could be different if I wasnt so ugly. But it wouldn’t really matter, because id still be broken beyond repair. I guess my father was right when he said no one would ever love me. He was right and it hurts. I already know that I will eventually kill myself. Im not sure how to write a suicide note, but if it’s bad I at least won’t have to live with it
Edit: and before anyone says the “don’t kill yourself, I care blah blah” bullshit platitudes: you do not know me. The person you are saying that to is some imaginary person you just made up in your head. A person who is “good enough” and “able to be loved”, and whatever other nonsense you thought of. But I am not that person. You wouldn’t know that, though. Because you do not know me.
If you don’t want platitudes or responses of people caring just because you’re a human then what do you want?
What do you do think I want?
Edit: to cut it short: I want someone to listen. Without judging, without empty words and promises. Because Ive been trying all my life and the last thing I want is to hear that I need to try harder
Is therapy not an option for you? Feel free to vent here.
I’ve been depressed and have had anxiety since I was around 8, at 13 I developed trichotillomania, and went started therapy when i was 14. At 15 I moved out of my parents house, because my father is an alcoholic and my mother schizophrenic. Ive been on various antidepressants, none worked. Ive had multiple hospital stays. I applied to art school last year, I text and meet my friends regularly, Ive started going to events around my city, I read one hour before bed, I drink enough water, I do yoga, I went on a date this week. Im still worthless and broken. Maybe some stupid fuckhead will tell me that I haven’t tried hard enough yet. I hope I dont have to “celebrate” my birthday again this year.
Self worth is a hard thing to build back once it’s been devastated, but the starting place is to quit with the negative self talk. You aren’t worthless or broken. You’re putting in effort which is a lot when you feel like crap all the time.
Build back what? I never had self worth to begin with, because I never fulfilled the criteria of having it when I was a child.
Would you be able to tell me how I am not worthless and broken? I am genuinely curious. Barring the response “because you are a human and alive.”