No one will ever care for me the way I care for them. There must be something so fundamentally repulsive about me, that people are willing to use me but the moment I try to open up I get cast aside. I dont blame them. No one wants a burden in their life. Maybe things could be different if I wasnt so ugly. But it wouldn’t really matter, because id still be broken beyond repair. I guess my father was right when he said no one would ever love me. He was right and it hurts. I already know that I will eventually kill myself. Im not sure how to write a suicide note, but if it’s bad I at least won’t have to live with it
Edit: and before anyone says the “don’t kill yourself, I care blah blah” bullshit platitudes: you do not know me. The person you are saying that to is some imaginary person you just made up in your head. A person who is “good enough” and “able to be loved”, and whatever other nonsense you thought of. But I am not that person. You wouldn’t know that, though. Because you do not know me.
You must log in or register to comment.
The person you are saying that to is some imaginary person you
Meh. I think every death of a sentient is a failure of our species to care for itself properly, and it’s horrible.
Why is success measured in life?
As an ADHD adult when I feel like this I understand it’s a result of my dopamine bottoming out. For me, at least, I think of it like diabetes. I don’t make enough dopamine to survive. It’s a close thing sometimes too. The thought of self checkout is sometimes like a having a vacation house somewhere distant. I know I’ll go there one day but my vacation isn’t right now. Just knowing it’s there as an option gives a kind of comfort. I really do get it. But at the same time I realize that these thoughts are not my own. The thoughts are all symptoms of my dopamine diabetes. Just bear that in mind. You probably don’t have my issues, but the symptoms are the same.
It’s very late and I probably shouldn’t be typing comments to important matters, but I’m not known for good decisions so here we go…
When my head was filled with suicidal thoughts and things like that, what helped me was to view myself less as a continuous being. The person I was a decade ago is so different from the person I am now that I consider him dead. The person I will be a few years from now will be someone different again. So either way the me that was in pain got the end he wanted, just this way he didn’t deny the current me my existence. (For which I’m grateful.) He only had to endure a few years, not the whole lifetime of the body. Some might think that a negative way of looking at things, but it did really make it easier to keep going.
Also, it’s good to keep in mind that even if all the negative “This and that will never happen.” thoughts were true, the next you might have a very different attitudes towards them. I am just as alone as the previous me was, but where it caused him emotional and existential turmoil to the point of physical pain, to me it just… doesn’t really matter. I’m able to be content, at times even happy, despite it. Something the previous me thought an impossibility. Even if some things might not change, you will. And sometimes there’s a cat.
Anyways, I’m glad you are trying things. Reading, going outside and whatnot. Even if they don’t bring you as much joy or fulfilment as you might want, the new experiences and thoughts might help with the growth of the next you. If I may make a suggestion, journaling could be a nice addition to the list. Not a diary, but occasionally writing down thoughts and things you think a future you specifically could find interesting. It’s something I wish I had done more. I remember how I saw the world and myself to a degree, but I don’t understand why. As I never wrote it down, and past me’s thinking feels too alien to guess reasons for now, in hindsight.
I don’t know if any of this personal experiences bullshit is helpful or interesting to you, I doubt it, but as you pointed out I don’t know you. But I know myself, and so I figured I’d write down some thoughts that I wish the past me had thought about a little earlier than he did. In any case, I wish you luck in your battles and that things will get better soon. Since, at least in this moment, I do genuinely care. I need not know you to feel that way, it’s enough to know there is a person out there who feels broken. I’ve unlocked the superpowers of basic empathy, I suppose.
Good night.
Unfortunately, I dont think I’m that different from how i was a decade ago, if anything ive only become worse. I still think largely the same about myself, some thought patterns adapting to fit new circumstances, of course.
If i could talk to my past self, I would tell her that she’s a fucking dumbass for holding onto hope, and she should kill herself now to avoid future suffering. Ive not once felt grateful for not being dead. And a decade from now, that will probably still be the case, except I will be even uglier and less desirable. Probably. Look at me, still being a dumbass lol
On empathy, if I see a person suffering, I do not believe that my discomfort over their own hurt trumps their right to end their own life, if that is what they wish to do. Would I, personally, prefer if they didnt, sure. But it isn’t me in their skin, looking at the world, however they may perceive it, through their own eyes. As an outsider, you literally and figuratively have a different view point. Yes, I may see options that person hasn’t considered yet, or I simply see the person without the hatred they see themselves with. Telling another person to live, just to suffer is one of the cruelest things one can do. It is depriving them of their own bodily autonomy and self-efficacy. Does it get better? Maybe, maybe not. You dont know, they dont know, I dont know, no one knows. Why cant a person decide for themselves, whether or not they want to deprive themselves of that possibility.
But that is just my view on things.
Thanks for your comment, it’s always interesting to hear about differing wold views, even if I don’t necessarily agree with them.
If you don’t want platitudes or responses of people caring just because you’re a human then what do you want?
What do you do think I want?
Edit: to cut it short: I want someone to listen. Without judging, without empty words and promises. Because Ive been trying all my life and the last thing I want is to hear that I need to try harder
Is therapy not an option for you? Feel free to vent here.
I’ve been depressed and have had anxiety since I was around 8, at 13 I developed trichotillomania, and went started therapy when i was 14. At 15 I moved out of my parents house, because my father is an alcoholic and my mother schizophrenic. Ive been on various antidepressants, none worked. Ive had multiple hospital stays. I applied to art school last year, I text and meet my friends regularly, Ive started going to events around my city, I read one hour before bed, I drink enough water, I do yoga, I went on a date this week. Im still worthless and broken. Maybe some stupid fuckhead will tell me that I haven’t tried hard enough yet. I hope I dont have to “celebrate” my birthday again this year.
Self worth is a hard thing to build back once it’s been devastated, but the starting place is to quit with the negative self talk. You aren’t worthless or broken. You’re putting in effort which is a lot when you feel like crap all the time.
Build back what? I never had self worth to begin with, because I never fulfilled the criteria of having it when I was a child.
Would you be able to tell me how I am not worthless and broken? I am genuinely curious. Barring the response “because you are a human and alive.”
I’ve always been facinated by how much everybody focus on how others perceive them, when the most important part is to learn to love yourself.
I guess it’s a question whether value is bestowed or inherent. To me, personally, it’s bestowed, because I was never made to feel like simply existing had value in and of itself. But awesome skill if you can live in complete disregard of your own upbringing and other people’s opinions and just ball. Or maybe you dont have to
I felt like this about myself for so long (17 years) that I didn’t know any other way of thinking about myself. Only in last few months, I realized the “I am good enough” to be loved by myself.
All I can say is that, I don’t need to know you to know that you really deserve to be loved. Your father was wrong when he said that. I am certain you will find that person you cares about you, but first, you will have to love yourself. It’s a paradox, but unfortunately it holds true. Only when you love and care about yourself, will you be able to find and accept other people who care about you.
Meanwhile, if you want to have a chat, I am here for you.
Oh great, i knew there would be one of these. It always makes me angry, so whatever I write isn’t directed at you personally. Also, I am truly happy that you managed to overcome this struggle, all on your own.
To me “love yourself to be loved” and “everyone deserves to be loved” are completely at odds with each other. I deserve to be loved, while, apparently, having to fulfill a certain condition, which states I cannot be loved unless it is fulfilled. So which one is it then? All I hear is that I cannot be loved.
Also, I disagree that everyone deserves love. No one deserves love. People deserve food, water, or a safe place to sleep. Those are material objects. They can, and should, be given to people. Love cannot. It is immaterial. It has to be given through a person. Hopefully, you would agree that forcing someone into emotional labour for the sake of someone else is unethical. But maybe I am just too stupid to understand it, like usual.
Thank you for commenting, it’s just that over the years, ive heard these phrases so much that theyve started to piss me off. I know that wasnt your intention at all, it is simply the way I feel.
Sorry. I wish what I wrote was wrong.
No wishing required
I don’t know squat about anything, I’m just here to say my opinion for some strange reason:
To me, “love yourself to be loved” and “everyone deserves to be loved” isn’t at odds. One is a premise (of dubious origin) and the other is a wish, or a world view.
I just got dumped by an SO that is head over heels in love with me. I’m not going into details, but believe me it’s true. However, I’m alot closer to hating myself than I am to loving myself. If you can believe this, then it’s proof the premise is… lacking.
I do however believe that everyone deserves to be loved. Not in the “authorities should give out love stamps” kind of way, but in the i strongly and firmly wish and believe that all people are inherently good and if they had someone who really understood them, they would see the beautify within and love them kind of way.
My two cents
I agree that it’s a nice thought, that everyone could be loved. But in praxis it is simply not possible. Like I said, love requires emotional labour. And forcing people into that labour would be a necessity if it were truly deserved by everyone. Its a nice sentiment, but unfortunately an empty one.
I know it’s harsh and painful, so I completely understand that people would rather not hear it.
I don’t get why you don’t think it’s possible. One person can love multiple people, so it’s not a question about if there’s people enough to go around.
I’m also not sure why you insist forcing people into emotional labour is a requirement for it to be truly deserved. I guess our definitions of deserving differ. People deserve justice when wronged, but don’t always get it even though we have strong systems in place to try to achieve it. Even basic human rights are not guaranteed. Not sure if my definition of deserving something is right either though, mine is something along the lines of you fulfill a premise, therefore you are entitled to. You are inherently good, therefore you are entitled to love, at least in my opinion. That does not mean you are guaranteed love though. Because life is life and stuff is unfair.
Oh and; only siths deals in absolutes
Oh I guess I misunderstood then. Yea not everyone is guaranteed love, but i could agree that everyone has the potential to be loved. I personally wouldn’t want to be loved by someone who loved multiple people, but thats because im selfish and entitled. Not that i needed to say that, though, because my evilness has already been thoroughly established it seems lol
Ah I was thinking love as in family or good friends.
Anyway, I don’t think it’s selfish or entitled. You are allowed to be who you are, including your preferences. I also prefer a monogamous relationship for myself.
What evilness if I might ask?
Ooh platonic love :0 I was thinking more along the lines of romantic love lol well, they’re both important anyway.
Im evil because im not good, and because im not good im evil. Honestly, I just always felt like I was a bad person for no real reason. And because there’s no reason, im not sure how to fix it. If it even can be fixed at this point
Edit:
I am struggling with the same thoughts and you do. I was diagnosed with CPTSD due to emotional neglect and emotional abuse as a child. I had therapy for a long time, which in some cases made it worse (especially cognitive behavioral therapy).
A couple of years ago, I found out that I had CPTSD and not any of the other diagnoses I got during the last couple of years. The way I look at myself, which is very close to what you are describing about yourself, is very typical for CPTSD.
It took me years to find the right therapist for that, but recently I did. I started somatic experiencing as a treatment in combination with EMDR, which actually seems to help. I am also trying to learn how to receive support from others and be comforted when I am sad. I am also trying to get used to physical touch. This actually seems to help.
I am not saying work harder or keep trying. But it might at least be useful to know why you feel this way. There are people who have done the worst things you can imagine and who still consider themselves worthy human beings. If you feel this way, this might have more to do with something that was done to you, than with who you are.
I cannot diagnose you, of course. But what you are saying sounds so familiar that I think it might be useful to read some stuff about CPTSD and see whether you recognise it.
Oh, I know that I have CPTSD, Ive been diagnosed as well. I guess depression and anxiety have just always been in the foreground so much that I never really considered specifically seeking out treatment for my trauma. I thought it would just go away, if the depression went away. Thats the way it was talked about anyway.
ive heard about EMDR before, but after years of therapy and medication, which didnt seem to really work, I feel tired. Maybe I’ll bring it up to my psychiatrist at my next appointment.
Im glad your treatment seems to work, I hope that feeling lasts 🫂 also thank you for commenting
It is good that you already know, I think. I was not sure about that and recognised it and thought I should tell you. Depression and anxiety usually are the result of CPTSD, so focusing on treating the CPTSD might reduce the depression and anxiety.
CPTSD often is treated as if it is PTSD. This is not the case (although people with CPTSD usually have PTSD). That is where it often goes wrong. For example, just doing exposure when some does not even have a concept of what feeling safe means can be harmful. The focus should first be on creating a sense safety and finding ways to regulate your nervous system so you are not constantly in a mode of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. You need a therapist that understands this. Not all of them do. Reading about this might help as well (I started with “The body keeps the score.”).
EMDR was definitely useful for me. It did help with specific symptoms, such as intrusive images of my trauma’s. It is also a treatment that is relatively straightforward and provides relieve quite fast. However, it is not a full solution. There should, for example, also be a focus on the physical side of having an unregulated nervous system.
A couple of weeks ago I was standing on a bridge in the middle of the night and the only reason I did not jump is that I did not want to traumatise other people. Right now, I am not sure that I want to live yet, but I am not sure anymore I want to die either. I think I want to try this therapy, because I felt safe and connected to another person for the first time in years, even if it was only for a short time. So, it means that the possibility is still there and I want to try.
I am not saying you should live and that everything will be okay. I do not know that. The only thing I can say is that I am glad I did not jump and that there were more opportunities for me to get better than I thought. Even though I spend a quarter of time in therapy just crying and saying that I am too tired. Even being able to do that with someone else present is progress. If everything does not work out, I can kill myself anyway, later on. That is always an option. But once I have done that, finding another solution is no option anymore. I think that is all I can say about that.
Yeah I mean real life just isn’t a movie where the protagonist’s friends emerge from the woodwork and emphatically rally around them in the third act to lift them through their troubles. In real life, everyone is born alone, dies alone, and is alone for all of their own misery. You are lucky if you can find even a group of people who can passively tolerate you at your best, but expecting a miracle of emotional intelligence at your lowest is setting yourself up for disappointment.
Someone gets it 🫂 sometimes I wish I could’ve lived through a life that didnt make me feel like a constant burden and annoyance to everyone around me. But I wouldn’t really deserve that. Trying to accept that I will never be cared for, as I crave that very same care. Being deeply social, while knowing I’ll never be able to experience it the way other people can.
Anyway here’s a cat going bleh
Have you at least tried drinking too much?
Alcohol tastes like shit lol
You just gotta stick with it
Am there too, at least my meds make it easier to cram into the back of my mind. 🫂
Glad your meds are at least somewhat helpful 🫂 mine just killed my sex drive and made it hard to cum lol
