No one will ever care for me the way I care for them. There must be something so fundamentally repulsive about me, that people are willing to use me but the moment I try to open up I get cast aside. I dont blame them. No one wants a burden in their life. Maybe things could be different if I wasnt so ugly. But it wouldn’t really matter, because id still be broken beyond repair. I guess my father was right when he said no one would ever love me. He was right and it hurts. I already know that I will eventually kill myself. Im not sure how to write a suicide note, but if it’s bad I at least won’t have to live with it

Edit: and before anyone says the “don’t kill yourself, I care blah blah” bullshit platitudes: you do not know me. The person you are saying that to is some imaginary person you just made up in your head. A person who is “good enough” and “able to be loved”, and whatever other nonsense you thought of. But I am not that person. You wouldn’t know that, though. Because you do not know me.

  • bellly@sopuli.xyzOPEnglish
    2·
    10 days ago

    Unfortunately, I dont think I’m that different from how i was a decade ago, if anything ive only become worse. I still think largely the same about myself, some thought patterns adapting to fit new circumstances, of course.

    If i could talk to my past self, I would tell her that she’s a fucking dumbass for holding onto hope, and she should kill herself now to avoid future suffering. Ive not once felt grateful for not being dead. And a decade from now, that will probably still be the case, except I will be even uglier and less desirable. Probably. Look at me, still being a dumbass lol

    On empathy, if I see a person suffering, I do not believe that my discomfort over their own hurt trumps their right to end their own life, if that is what they wish to do. Would I, personally, prefer if they didnt, sure. But it isn’t me in their skin, looking at the world, however they may perceive it, through their own eyes. As an outsider, you literally and figuratively have a different view point. Yes, I may see options that person hasn’t considered yet, or I simply see the person without the hatred they see themselves with. Telling another person to live, just to suffer is one of the cruelest things one can do. It is depriving them of their own bodily autonomy and self-efficacy. Does it get better? Maybe, maybe not. You dont know, they dont know, I dont know, no one knows. Why cant a person decide for themselves, whether or not they want to deprive themselves of that possibility.

    But that is just my view on things.

    Thanks for your comment, it’s always interesting to hear about differing wold views, even if I don’t necessarily agree with them.