No one will ever care for me the way I care for them. There must be something so fundamentally repulsive about me, that people are willing to use me but the moment I try to open up I get cast aside. I dont blame them. No one wants a burden in their life. Maybe things could be different if I wasnt so ugly. But it wouldn’t really matter, because id still be broken beyond repair. I guess my father was right when he said no one would ever love me. He was right and it hurts. I already know that I will eventually kill myself. Im not sure how to write a suicide note, but if it’s bad I at least won’t have to live with it
Edit: and before anyone says the “don’t kill yourself, I care blah blah” bullshit platitudes: you do not know me. The person you are saying that to is some imaginary person you just made up in your head. A person who is “good enough” and “able to be loved”, and whatever other nonsense you thought of. But I am not that person. You wouldn’t know that, though. Because you do not know me.
As an ADHD adult when I feel like this I understand it’s a result of my dopamine bottoming out. For me, at least, I think of it like diabetes. I don’t make enough dopamine to survive. It’s a close thing sometimes too. The thought of self checkout is sometimes like a having a vacation house somewhere distant. I know I’ll go there one day but my vacation isn’t right now. Just knowing it’s there as an option gives a kind of comfort. I really do get it. But at the same time I realize that these thoughts are not my own. The thoughts are all symptoms of my dopamine diabetes. Just bear that in mind. You probably don’t have my issues, but the symptoms are the same.