I’m trying to plan my life, but I feel like I’m putting together a thousand-piece puzzle with no picture on the box
The picture is that all plans fall apart. You’re gonna mostly just have options, some you seek out and you may plan them or you may just go for them, but others will present themselves to you and you either will have the opportunity to opt in or to opt out. Nearly every path of life is like that, even shit like being drafted comes with opportunities to radically change your life in a different way. But sometimes, more than you may suspect, none of the paths are to keeping things the same.
I see two extremes that a lot of folks think they have to choose between. You’ve got planners, they get an idea in their head and they go and get it, it’s the folks who had a life plan by 18. They’re often inflexible and they rarely see the unexpected opportunity paths that they find. They also often struggle with realizing what’s wrong when they’re unhappy. They don’t make big, bold choices, their big goals are meticulous. I’ve found many are unhappy because their plans rarely grow with them.
Then you’ve got folks who live by the seat of their pants. If they go to college it’s because it’s what you do, and their major was what seemed interesting. While the planners are trapped by their roots dug too deep, these people have none. I’m reminded of a friend who was divorcing her fourth husband, was in her late 30s, and casually mentioned that she kinda expected to have kids someday. She’d had a fascinating and wild life, but no career, no stability, and she didn’t seem to get that some opportunities may have passed her by when she wasn’t looking. These people miss out on a lot too, always chasing the most interesting or easy or fun or even just comfortable path to present itself. Many just fall into a stable rut because they aren’t making long term plans and are instead getting high and playing video games all day not noticing their childhood friends were building careers and marriages while they did that.
My advice is to take the middle path. A life of prudence, self reflection, and willingness to pursue goals as long as they serve you, and to look for and analyze unexpected opportunities, especially when things go wrong. Meeting my wife was a fortunate accident when we were both dealing with breakups. Years later we’d leave the home state we’d long wanted to, to somewhere I’d always been interested in, because of hostile legislation in our home, and we love it here now. A new skill, a new friend, a new interest, or a new career can always be around the corner. But also if you’re unhappy or lacking something, go looking for something new.
I also will add, you are the only person you’re truly stuck with in life, fortunately you’re also the only person whose actions you can fully control. Be someone you would respect snd want to be around. You’ll find a lot more happiness and opportunities if you just keep trying to be the sort of person you’d want there to be in any given situation.
Remember that hobby you liked to do as a kid but either grew out of or moved out of home, whatever. Pick that thing back up. At the very least, it’ll be a short term distraction. It could end up sticking for life, as well.
I’m in the midst of a potential lifelong bout of model train autism. It just escaped me for the past 15 years. It’s back now, and I love working on it.
Take your time and find yourself and your place.
I feel it took me longer than most to find my place in life, but looking back everything I did in life lead up to this. It’s really special to finally get here. But I also took my own pace to get here, and thats not a problem at all.
I haven’t seen this mentioned yet so:
Do not allow yourself to be persuaded, pressured, or bullied into having kids (including by yourself) until you feel 100% ready and that it’s 100% what you want. The days of “nobody feels ready for kids; just go for it and it’ll all work out” are way over. (This was always survivor bias bullshit advice, but with recent trends re: cost of living, housing availability, job market, etc., this attitude is straight-up reckless.)
When you’re young, even if you think you know what you’re doing, you’ll almost certainly make mistakes; having children makes moving through and moving on from those mistakes a hell of a lot harder. A sad number of folks I know in their 30s are stuck in places they no longer want to live having to regularly interact with people who ruined their lives because of their kids. Even when things go well, kids are a huge drain on your energy, finances, and ability to take advantage of new opportunities.
It might be scary feeling like there are too many options available to you right now, but being forced into a certain life path because you have kids is not a fun way to resolve that.
If you wait too long, it might become biologically impossible. Biologically, the best age for kids is between 20 and 35. After that, there is a sharp decline.
And there is never 100% readiness, nor 100% certainty that you want it. Especially not while you are that young.
A sad number of folks I know are in their 40s, and struggling to convince. They wanted to be 100% ready, then build a large family. And now it’s too late.
So if you are in a position where you can have kids, and think you want kids, you should probably go for it. Even if you aren’t 100% ready yet.
Having kids is a life-long commitment. Not having kids is simply the absence of said commitment. IVF and adoption are also always options, even after conceiving children becomes nonviable.
The bigger picture is: you can’t do everything in life, and often, the dreams you envision aren’t as romantic as a daily reality as they seem in your head. It’s okay to give up that option of a future permanently. There are tens of thousands of opportunities to add to your life, big and small. You will never even attempt most of them, and that’s okay. There is no syllabus or checklist or achievement board to fill out in life, unless you make one.
Having kids isn’t a hobby you can put down for a month, nor a job you can quit. You should absolutely be 100% on-board before having kids, and if you aren’t, don’t gaslight yourself into thinking you are.
If you are getting too old to conceive, your chances with IVF decrease similarly. It’s technically possible with egg donations. But that’s illegal here.
Adoptive parents may also only be at most 40 years older than the child. So if you are older than 40, you at least can’t adopt an infant. Only older kids.
So yes. Not having children at some point is also a lifelong commitment. At least if you are a woman.
Children are definitely not a hobby you can just put down for a month. But being 100% on board just isn’t how the human psyche works. People will always doubt themselves in everything.
I’m not saying to have children on a whim. But shouldn’t wait until you both earn 6 figures and have paid off your mortgage either. Just be certain beyond reasonable doubt, that you want kids, and that you can afford them if you live a frugal lifestyle. Most doubts probably aren’t reasonable.
Life is what happens when you are planning. Pick a direction and start moving forward.
You’re kinda fucked. The world needs a reboot.
In the meantime, figure out which professions pay a decent enough wage and do the one you find most tolerable/ least objectionable.
You’re probably not struggling as much as you think you are. Not in a “your problems aren’t that bad” kinda way but more in a "your responses to those problems aren’t as pitiful as you think they are. Just because the problem wasn’t 100% fixed doesn’t mean you didn’t deal with it like a boss. It’s not like everybody else is out there dancing through their problems with the grace of a ballerina. 90% of them have the fridge door open at 2am eating shredded cheese right out of the bag too. You’re doing great, don’t be so down on yourself.
90% of them have the fridge door open at 2am eating shredded cheese right out of the bag too.
Having a low-carb late-night dinner, if you please
Don’t necessarily do what everyone expects of you. Do what you need and want.
For that, you really need to know yourself. What makes you happy? Who do you want to be?
You will make mistakes along the way and the answers to those questions will be harder than it seema at first and also change over time. You might think you know yourself but that might change too.
Do what you think is right and wing it like everyone else.
Feel free to ask if you want some more detailed advice.
That’s what my therapist taught me, as well.
My needs aren’t always the same as the needs of the people around me. And I’m allowed to see to them
Exactly but you do get told as if it were so your whole life. And worse, if you’re not typical, you could develop nasty stuff like https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia like me.
And now with close to 50 I have to work on the consequences.
You really don’t know what the future holds, so don’t get bogged down planning too far ahead. Set yourself some achievable goals for the near future. It’s ok to have some vague plans for the distant future, but keep in mind that there is a good chance that your future could look very different than what you imagine it might be.
I second this. As they say, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. It’s a lot less overwhelming to tackle problems in small pieces than by looking at everything at once.
do absolutely everything you possibly can to protect your dental health
teeth do not grow back
whatever you’re facing in life, facing it with dental issues is going to make it so so so much worse
& if you’re already brushing twice a day and flossing once a day or anywhere close, be extremely proud of that and don’t ever let anything make you give it up
no matter who you are or what you’ve done you deserve a healthy mouth
Floss daily!
currently doing my damndest to floss every day myself 😭
Water flosser ftw
Plan to change jobs every two years to ensure a steady increase of income.
Turns out the puzzle is blank too and you get to draw whatever you like on the pieces you’ve assembled (crayons not included in the puzzle box). You don’t even have to finish the puzzle. Just put together some pieces and call it a good year. Few more next year.
By now you’re probably thinking something like: yeah that sounds nice and all, how about you give me some practical advice you old fuck that knows nothing about me or my life or what I’m going through.
My answer is you’re right. I don’t know.
What do you think your most urgent issues are? What do you think are some reasonable aspirations and first steps to take?
A foreword: there is no picture. The future has guidelines, tendencies, but no actual shape. There’s nothing you’re supposed to do. Life isn’t planned out all at once. Those days are dead. In fact, they nay never have existed. You will become a new person, and have a new career or focus or stage of life, about once every 11 years. That’s normal. That’s life’s uncertainty.
The piece of advice is the one I’ve given on many platforms for years: if you’re —
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North American and
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from any “settler-colonial” culture and
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you’re able,
then leave North America for at least one year. Live elsewhere, see how others live, and break out of the bubble built by the preschool to prison pipeline, the corporate cradle to coffin collective consciousness. This advice isn’t exclusively for Gringos and Canucks, but it’s based on the particular starting square I had and most of the people I’ve encountered. Also, I don’t mean to exclude my Indigenous, Mexican, Mexica, and other Latino brothers and sisters, but my understanding is that you’ve already got reality pushing the movement narrative.
If you’re a a first-generation North American (like me), also build connections within your community. There is much work to be done to diversify these places and so many other new, and first-gens could use some support. Detachment from one another is what harms us most. The communities I’ve had outside of El Norte continue to feed me. Admittedly, the job I have and the hours I keep prevent community-building. I need to get back to it.
Finally, get smart about money. Find teachers, take meetings at banks, go to teachings at libraries. Study the jargon in your credit card agreements. Make investments in yourself and your future. I failed pretty spectacularly at this one.
As far how to choose WHAT to do with all your time, well, the only thing I’d advise is to be a crafty, insightful, decisive disruptor. Nothing else that I’ve seen works. Be the best there is at a small thing you do. Identify a critical mass for your work and work hard to get to the place where 15% of the people you talk to will say ‘yes’ to you. Gain your repeat customers, followers, students, and acolytes. You can do what want. The trick is to have people support you or believe in your doing it.
Just a digest of what Ive seen here so far:
don’t get bogged down planning too far ahead. Set yourself some achievable goals for the near future.
This is good advice.
there is a good chance that your future could look very different than what you imagine it might be.
This is not advice, but true and warrants remembering because you can bend the future.
find a good strategy for managing upkeep on whatever needs it.
Many people forget that anything and everything you obtain and want to keep working will require maintenance. Machines, subject knowledge, relationships, tools, whatever — all need upkeep. Know your shit so you can keep your shit together.
Focus on improving a single thing you can do in the short term.
I’d add to this. Short term goals should not be ends in themselves unless they are for entertainment. If you’re focusing on a short term goal, connect it to a long term goal.
get[ ] a union job if you don’t have employment figured out yet.
Unions can protect you. But, if you’re looking for satisfaction, the job has to be what you want it to be. Or, take pleasure in the union connections. If neither of these feeds you, a union can’t save you from yourself.
Anyway, you asked and I’m stuck in a waiting room.
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Do people really use the picture on the box to lay puzzles? That sounds boring.
Don’t be afraid to take a chance.
