“utterly refutes” the “preposterous” allegations of unlawful newsgathering at the paper.

Let me put this into my conservative translator and see what we get…

Boop…

Bleep, boop beep…

Wrrrrrrrrh, Chicka Chika, wong.

Ding!

“I confess the allegations are all true, but in all fairness it’s much worse than you know and I really hope you don’t go looking too hard because I’m afraid of what you’ll find.”