ADHD is not a quirk. It is ruining my life. I am disorganized, I am in debt, I am paralyzed. I can’t even get help; I have tried navigating the maze of finding a doctor who will accept my crappy exchange insurance but I always end up throwing in the towel. I thought I found one, once, but sike, he’s an addiction counselor who refuses to prescribe stimulant medication on principle.
Not that I’m opposed to trying nonstims again, but I was prescribed Strattera in high school and it made me so drowsy I failed chemistry because I couldn’t stay awake even with a full night of sleep. Also, bonus, his profile on the site I used to find him lied, and he doesn’t actually accept my insurance. Here’s a $500 bill for our 45 minute zoom call where I accused you of drug seeking. I got his practice to cancel the charge but still.
ADHD is ugly; ADHD looks like every chair in my apartment being full of clutter (and me subsequently freaking out because I hate clutter). it looks like brushing my teeth every two or three or five days. It looks like being able to hold on to my job as a waiter nothing else. It looks like me having the money to pay my bills, me wanting to pay those bills, and then me getting sent to collections anyway. ADHD looks like ghosting an old best friend because I’m too embarrassed to keep up with him. It looks like my partner shouldering more of the housework than is fair. And I get to look back on all this behavior, identify and accept that I am the problem, and then I get to do fuck all to fix it. ADHD looks like a horizon that gets narrower and narrower every day.
And I feel alone. ADHD is not cute. It sucks to suck.
- ADHD looks like every chair in my apartment being full of clutter (and me subsequently freaking out because I hate clutter).
check
- it looks like brushing my teeth every two or three or five days.
check
- ADHD looks like ghosting an old best friend because I’m too embarrassed to keep up with him.
check
- It looks like my partner shouldering more of the housework than is fair.
check
- And I get to look back on all this behavior, identify and accept that I am the problem, and then I get to do fuck all to fix it.
check, even after six months of weekly ADHD group coaching that gave me a bunch of tools to use that I largely just cannot bring myself to even bother trying, even on medication
this shit is fucking rough.
ADHD sucks, yes.
In the defence of the cutesy, quirky memes; it’s cope - and sometimes it can help to blow off a bit of steam through humor.
But when you’re at where OP is at (I’ve been there too), it’s not helpful.
I’m managing my ADHD symptoms for now, but the one thing I can’t do is navigate the health system.
How is anyone with ADHD supposed to get help? It’s like the system was hand made to be impossible for neurodivergent people.
I was having really bad anxiety and depression on top of my ADD and trying to get help made me feel like I was going insane and I have great insurance. Thankfully I got the meds I needed and after that ADD meds.
’s like the system was hand made to be impossible for neurodivergent people.
New to the world, I see.
Dang. I feel that more than you know.
I feel you! Where I live now its like pulling teeth to get my meds. My PCP won’t try different meds because he wants a therapist to prescribe something new. So, I get hit with panic attacks and crippling anxiety. That’s when I can get my meds.
My doc requires that I come in every month to refill my meds. The fun part is that he is booked out 3 months and they refuse to set a reoccurring appointment. So, I end up going months without meds. Even if they prescribe enough to make it through the 3 months, I wouldn’t be able to get it filled because the state limits how much can be filled. Not to mention constant issues with supply shortages.
It just fucking sucks. You aren’t alone.
You’re not alone. Everything fucking sucks and nothing is enjoyable anymore.
I see you, friend. I see it all. Hugs
Husband of ADHD person here, a second-person perspective if you wanna call it this way.
It kinda feels like I have two wives, because it’s very hard to internalize that one person can both be pedantic perfectionist in things they like and then lose their keys three to five times a day and leave clutter everywhere. She does complex physical activities and meditation without issue… but then documentation and complex IT systems look like random noise to her. The moment she finishes her task, all tools used vanish from her mind and are left wherever she finished that task. Nothing is ever back where it belongs and I act as mother from memes every day (the one that can always find what you lost).
Luckily we live in Poland, she got diagnosed in an hour (I like to imagine the doctors took one good look at her and said “yup”) and week later got confirmation and prescription for drugs. Drugs work silly - she can’t do her hobbies after taking drugs, but she can do her 9-5 job. Thus schedule was made so that she can have time for hobbies in the morning, and then take the drugs before work.
This is why I stopped taking adderall and drink a lot of coffee instead. When I need to focus on something unfun, like chores, I gulp down a coffee. It wears off in a couple hours but helps me focus for a while when I need it. The down-side is that it makes me feel a little sleepy.
So a system my wife ended up with:
- Coffee is god, two Coffees a day is a must
- ADHD drugs taken only when it’s gonna be hard day at work, only before work and after hobbies
- A warm shower helps when drugs end their work, it’s a solid crash-out otherwise
What’s the solution here? Serious.
I don’t have the answer. It’s probably “do better at everything”.
Get guidance per problem, apply solutions when able, don’t beat yourself up when you slip up, that’s going to happen, just re-apply the solution when you realize your slacking at that thing again.
To-do lists and guides and reminders are really the best, but still most will fall out of the habit and have to dig back in periodically.
Reminders get skipped, distractions will happen. It’s okay. That’s normal for you (and most people actually). But keep the reminders and guides and lists anyway, everytime you encounter them there’s another opportunity to accomplish something.
If you realize you’ve slacked off cleaning, for example, and you have a detailed checklist for deep cleaning each room, you can right then grab the list off the clipboard on your wall and start working through as much as you can before you get distracted or have to sleep or whatever.
If it’s all broken out onto little things it’ll be less daughting, just hyper focus on that one thing until it’s done, if possible. Then move onto the next if you have time still.
Don’t kick yourself if you get sidetracked and clean up some clothes in your bedroom after picking up a sweater from the living room, instead of finishing in the living room, as long as you’re still plugging away at cleaning some you are doing fine.
And you don’t have to do everything all right now.
There’s probably too much to do for that to be a reasonable expectation anyway.
And there’s no right order, except if you notice you don’t have any clean clothes or dishes or TP or food at the moment, then probably prioritize addressing those things first.
You can buy cleaning and chore checklist online. And there are daily journals designed for peeps with ADHD that have spaces for a few check list items, spaces to log positive reflections, chore or cleaning suggestions.
You can go through them in advance and add occasional reminders for tasks you know you forget. Or you can try filling out a couple things for tomorrow before bed today. Try different things. And whatever works best for you, or works at the moment, that is great.
If you use any of this, remember it doesn’t have to be every day. Just keep the tool accessible, mount them on the wall or dedicate a space where they are less likely to get burried, use them as much as you can, and forgive yourself for missing days or taking breaks, or misplacing them.
That stuff happens. It is okay.
Also–there’s always more–if you live with somebody and they say you need to clean up a mess, right then is the time to do it. Unless you are making food at that moment or are in the middle of something really important, like tending to a wound, or putting out a fire.
At that moment your companion is being your reminder, so make use of that opportunity!
You can also create that opportunity by asking somebody in your life who is good at managing things to come over occasionally and help guide you. Not do it for you. Just look over a space and give you direction, then hang out and keep you company.
Have a few drinks or buy them dinner after.
A lot of folk are embarrassed by their messes, but as long as you’re not inviting a nagging judgemental nasty mother-in-law type over, I think you’ll be suprised how understanding your friends and family can be when you admit you know your ADHD is holding you back but step-up and ask for direction occasionally with cleaning.
Yes yes yes! The clutter, the teeth, the bills, the ghosting. Watching things you can and want to do not get done is a special kind of frustrating.
However:
identify and accept that I am the problem… sucks to suck
Naahhhh, fuck that.
If a shelf is too high for me to reach, I don’t suck for being short. No amount of people telling me to reach harder will help.
The entire rest of the world is the problem. Don’t internalize that bullshit, don’t blame yourself for things you know could not have possibly gone differently.
You’re right. I don’t suck. My coping mechanisms are insufficient for the tasks I have set for myself. Those coping mechanisms can be made stronger. And no amount of coping will fix a broken healthcare system. I just feel about an inch tall today. It’s hard not to turn it inward sometimes.
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