- cross-posted to:
- 196@lemmy.blahaj.zone
- thisisnotmylife@lemm.ee
- comicstrips@lemmy.world
- cross-posted to:
- 196@lemmy.blahaj.zone
- thisisnotmylife@lemm.ee
- comicstrips@lemmy.world
cross-posted from: https://lemmy.zip/post/28090390
cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/35018512
Far more than c/mildlyinfuriating
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Funny how this is supposed to be absurd - upside down duck, cake, “bizarro” and all - but it’s actually pretty accurate. So many products out there that require you to download their shitty spyware in order to do the things they are supposed to do.
Just 9.99 per month
Until the company shuts down its servers and your toilet stops working.
And it goes down mid-use, and the toilet has tamper-proofing that stops you from emptying it any other way “for security”.
And then you “unfortunately” have to buy the newer version for just a couple of bucks more
Unrecognized toilet paper roll detected. Please make sure to only use authentic rolls.
For the basic plan, based on usage though it looks like you’d save more with our premium tier that allows unlimited flushes per day and includes our smellfesh scent subscription.
The Japanese have already perfected smart toilets. There is no app, but there are loads of buttons, including for a heated seat and some music or ambient sounds to help you relax and disguise unpleasant noises.
What about a little fountain spritz of lit up water like in that one Simpsons episode?
And fireworks for celebratory pooping.
The disparity in toilets in that country is insane. You have ones with full remote controls on the seat in some places then others that are squat holes that flush
But don’t you see the benefit - the data on your flushes helps our Trusted† FlushMe Partners ® provide more relevant service to you, and also helps us partially offset the cost of our running our flush servers, allowing us to provide service to you for only $29.99 monthly††!
†: All FlushMe partners have undergone creditworthiness checks. ††: Limited time one month introductory offer. FlushMe may, but is not required to, provide you with a personalised monthly price for renewal of the service.
“FlushMe: Have You Shat Today!?”
Don’t worry. I’m on a streak. If I keep it going for 30 days I will unlock the flushing feature without having to pay for premium.
Not just download the app, but sign up for an account (and the newsletter in the process).
Then grant permissions to your phone:
- camera (so it can watch you poop and train + analyze the footage with AI)
- microphone (so it can hear and analyze if your plops are optimal)
- contacts (to send out an invitation to all your contacts, along with a clip of your last poop sesh)
- photos and videos (to upload, store, and analyze your life since birth, along with everyone else who’s in your pictures)
- sensors (to see how you’re holding the phone, when, how much, how hard, etc.)
- notifications (to sell you the premium plan)
- location (for pinpoint accuracy of your 💩 locations)
- call logs (to see who you’re communicating with before, during, and after you drop your log)
- nearby devices (for accuracy and to silently communicate with nearby devices)
- calendar (for full history and to schedule your next mondo duke)
Don’t forget all the health and biometric data, last used app, and Facebook access
Now we’re talking proper dystopia!
What happens when the company goes out of business? You no longer can flush?
Precisely
As long as they can convince their shareholders this will eventually make money and you buy into their eventual $30/flush subscription they won’t have to go out of business
I laughed a lot when I saw this and I sent it to my parent who laughed too. This is my parents house right now. They want buttons for their lamps but they were forced to get an app for most of them and had to fight the company to put in buttons. They also got a ventilation system without buttons and they could not get buttons except if they payed for a very expensive hub, so they went for the app. But only one person can be connected at a time and you have to unpair before someone else can pair, so the app act as if it is the hub… it is very strange
Set up Home Assistant on a Pi or something for them. It can likely control everything from a central app
My parents had a house built a couple of years ago and it’s the same with them. It’s real hard for me to say “I told you so” like every time I go over there and see them fighting with some app bullshit on one of their appliances. It pisses me off so much because there was nothing wrong with their old house and now I’m going to be stuck inheriting the new one that’s worse in every way. Probably right around the time all the cut corners in the construction start coming out as the place falls apart.
I’d love to inherit a house even if it had no appliances and was falling apart…
Yeah I know I’m fortunate and this is pretty much the only route to home ownership for me it’s just frustrating to think about what could have been and what’s waiting in the future.
it’s just frustrating to think about what could have been and what’s waiting in the future.
Modern existence in a nutshell.
Android has this feature of “Work Profile” that allows you to put these shitty apps in a separate profile so they can’t accept any of your data. I mean it’d be better if we don’t have distopian apps to begin with, but here we are…
(I used an app called “Shelter” that sets up a “work profile” and put apps in there and the apps can’t access my photos contacts, or anything basically)
There’s also Insular which lets you clone apps and run them in an isolated sandbox. It’s open source and available in F-Droid.
Correct! I use it whenever I am forced to install some apps. I always loved the android architechture
Free trial exhausted. Subscribe now to keep using server infrastructure. After all, all you bought was the toilet, you can’t expect the server space for free.
Triple Flush Achievement Unlocked! Share with your friends?
Shares with all of your contacts by default. Also includes a sales pitch to each of them to sign up as well
Enshitification intensifies.
NOOO!!! This is the Torment Nexus of toilets… now some company is going to do this…
Some company surely already done this.
People who greenlight these apps never heard of the cylons.
It tracks the quality of your shits, draws a graph of the daily amount that you can share on social media and recommends a list of sponsored foods depending on your needs.
You jest but that’s literally already a thing that exists and you can buy it!
I know you’re joking but a toilet that analyzes your stool would be quite remarkable health monitoring device to go along with our smartwatches and stuff. I bet there’s loads of health markers you could see from it.
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