An old friend/aquaintance I’ve not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she’s had two babies by two different guys. They’re ~6 months and ~2-3 years.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I’m not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I’ve frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it’s something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she’d be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she’d have to bring the kids along.
I don’t want to be a dick but I’m really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They’re mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don’t really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
AITA? How do I tell her I’m really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?
No, but it means you’re probably not really a friend anymore. If you’re good with that, everything’s jake.
I mean, you’re not a dick, but it will come across that way. She may not have the support structure behind her to be ABLE to get any free time away from the kids. Sometimes this can alienate women and kill any social outlets they have - which is why married couples becomes so introverted after years of marriage. You’ve gotta look out for your own life, so do what you want - but I’m not sure there’s anything you can do 100% that will make her for sure understand.
You’re not friends, you gotta own up and admit that to yourself and her.
I don’t know you so these words aren’t meant to be hurtful, but I wouldn’t want to be your friend.
It sounds like you have nothing in common and aren’t actually interested in their life or you’d be interested in the kids.
The best part is you suggested the coffee shop lol.
Honestly just learn to say no if you don’t want to do something. It might be awkward but it’ll save embarrassment, wasted time and maybe even hurt in the end.
I’ve had friends tell me about the same thing happening to them. One particular friend tried to call another one who had become a mom (it was planned) and the mom gave the phone to the kid. The friend politely told them that they wanted to talk to them, not the kid and asked whether there was a better time to call. It went over well.
People really can be quite touchy about their kids, but you can be direct, it’s not like it would change much for you. Just say that you’re not really a baby person and would enjoy the time talking to her. Ask her if there’s a date and time that’s convenient for her without the kids. If she gets offended, then that’s her problem and you can write her off. If she’s understanding, that’s great!
A bit yeah.
Maybe I’m biased but my two cents is no. Not at all.
I think people who impose their kids on others are the assholes.
The thing with new parents is that they are, in my experience, completely devoid of any personality they used to have. They may have been fun people at some point, but once they get pregnant, it’s pretty much all they can talk about.
I’ve got some close friends who are on the cusp of becoming parents but my wife and I have made it quite clear we are not at all interested in that part of their lives. And they accept that.
Especially seeing as how you’ve not spoken to this person for some time, ‘catching up’ is out of the question if children are involved. Unless they’re passed out or whatever. It seems to me this person is just looking for an excuse to talk about their children for a couple of hours while you politely nod and agree. For them, the best case scenario is that you’re as happy to be around those kids as they are.
I think you can set boundaries if you are not looking forward to meeting with the kids around.
She’s handling two kids under five years old?
You’re not ‘showing up for coffee’ you’re providing a needed mental health break.
Exactly this. People will have kids then expect other people to help out because “it takes a village”. Fuck that, figure out who’s willing to be in your village, THEN have kids.
I’m having a hard time understanding how self centered some people are. You can be uncomfortable with their kids and still enjoy their company.
I don’t know a single parent who “figures out their village” before having kids. If anything, having kids sheds the selfish dipshits like you.
You don’t know anyone who figures out their village before having kids…but childfree people are the selfish ones. Yeah, that makes sense.
Childfree people aren’t selfish. People who hate children for existing are though. No one is forcing you to have kids. False victim hood bullshit.
Never said I hated children, but keep pushing your false narrative to feel good about yourself.
Finding a village first implies you are not part of the village. Yah probably hate kids lol.
Just tell her you don’t want to meet up and why. Save her the headache of thinking you’re even remotely interested in being her friend.
NTA. You can’t expect much quality “catching up” with a toddler and a baby around. That’s not your fault.
The important part is to be sensitive to her feelings. Be honest and say that you’re uncomfortable around kids. She may not be in a position to leave the kids with someone else. Being a single mom can be pretty damn stressful and lonely, but if you’re not okay with kids, then she needs to respect your feelings, too. Let her down gently. Be kind.
You’re not wrong for wanting to avoid a situation because of the potential of screaming children, but it’s important to remember that, with parents, it’s a package deal. To avoid overstimulation, try and go to a park for the first meeting. Like get coffee and go to a place with a playground where the toddler can run wild, and the 6 month can be in a stroller or rocker. Being outside vs bring in a building where screams can echo, makes a big difference.
Something that helps me hang-outs with my friends who have kids, is remembering that screaming children are inevitable… but most of the time, I’m not enjoying the company of my friends alongside the random, misbehaving ones. This time, you can make a friend.
This is the way.
Getting a toddler to sit quietly for an extended period is hard. You are either listening to them, or entertaining them; a lot of parents, these days, use a smartphone for this.
You may not be an AH, but you don’t sound that interested in being actual friends. Don’t bother wasting her time.
You’re an AH for this unnecessary detail in particular:
she’s had two babies by two different guys.
Just admit you’re not friends. That’s fine and doesn’t make you an AH. Getting all puritanical over something that does not impact your life does.
I don’t think it makes you an asshole, it just means you’re not that interested in seeing her or really don’t like kids. Probably a combination of both. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either of those things.
If the kids are the dealbreaker then your options are 1. Decline and lie about why, 2. Decline and tell her why, 3. Just suck it up and do it to save face. Personally I think 1 sounds unnecessarily complicated and you should just do whichever you prefer of 2 or 3.
If the crying of a 6 month old baby is enough to ruin the reunion for you, then maybe you’re both better off if you cancel this appointment.
