We were together for over for 4 years and broke up over 5 years ago. I went no contact, renewed old friendships, started new hobbies, picked up sports. I was sure I’m a model fucking example of dealing with this. For the last 2 years I barely even remembered her existence.
Our common friend had a birthday a month ago. She invited both of us after making sure we are both ok with this. This was our first contact since breakup. We talked a bit, it was quite nice, nothing crazy.
Last week she texts me that she will be visiting my city and asks if I want to meet her after she’s done with her errands. Last time went ok so I agree. We talk for 3 hours, a bit about everyday life, a bit about our past together. We talk about how cool it is to have contact again, maybe we can do some stuff together - as friends of course.
It took me a few hours after this to realize that I’m replaying the meeting in my head, smiling to myself and feel butterflies in my stomach. I’m in love again. I didn’t even notice when it happened. 3 fucking hours set me back years of work.
Just remember what happened to cause the initial breakup. If it is something that can be addressed and changed or improved, then I say see where this whole thing leads. But if it’s something that’s going to ruin the future between you two like infidelity that can’t be forgotten, or a glaring character flaw which can’t be ignored, then avoid it as best as you can. If you do end up going for it, take it slow, and do your best to respond to her cues. Don’t make a fool of yourself if she’s not wanting to rekindle the full flame. Sometimes an ex as a friend can be nice, but other times it can sour your future relationships from jealousy.
Right now I’m able to do any kind of mental gymantics to come up with a “happily ever after scenario”. I know its bullshit though.
NC again is the only way to go. I know what I need to do and how to do it. I’m gonna be fine. It just hurts. I haven’t felt these emotions in years.
Thank you for support.
Time tends to have a rose-coloured-glasses-effect my dude, try to keep it in mind. Or not? Life is short, do what you want
You never know, sometimes people grow and change become more stable and emotionally intelligent over time. Then again, some people remain insufferable douchbags their whole life. Maybe they’ve both grown?
We did both grow but unfortunately I don’t think it makes our relationship any more realistic.
How so? Dig into it with us a little. What were the issues that caused you to separate in the first place?
The direct cause of the breakup was her infidelity. To be frank, I don’t hold any resentment for her. If I did, I wouldn’t want to meet her in the first place. We were both immature as fuck back then.
There’s a lot of discrepancies in how we want to live our lives and in our needs. She wants to travel, explore, meet people, etc. I prefer comfortable routine and deep focus on my hobbies and passions. She needs someone who will give her quite a lot of attention, will do all these things with her. I need a lot of alone time.
In fact, the biggest problem is that I don’t even want to be in a relationship. For the most part I love being single. I love being completely independent and in control of my life. I love my routines and my hobbies.
I mean, I know this doesn’t even make any sense. I don’t want a relationship so what do I even want? After meeting her I feel like I need her in my life. It’s obviously not a rational feeling and frankly, probably not a healthy one too. It also sets off alarms in my head because when we were together I became much too dependent on her.
All those intense feelings aside, I think she’s just a very intelligent and valuable person. I love talking with her and there are quite a few things we enjoyed doing together. Add to that my preference for being single and that’s why I thought we could be just friends. But apparently she works quite literally like a drug on me. Makes me lose control of my emotions and grip on reality.
Ok, I think I’m just rambling at this point. Thanks for asking the question though. Writing about your feelings is a form of therapy I guess.
You know, you can just be friends with her. Yeah, the feelings you have are real, but that can take some time while you just enjoy friendship. You don’t have to go NC because you’re scared you’ll fall too much in love, because you might! And maybe you two can talk about your feelings then, and she can then decide what to do?
Just an idea, I personally haven’t been in your shoes yet. But good luck!
That was the plan but honestly I don’t think I can right now. It’s kinda hard to explain, I’m also not sure at all whether I fully understand my own feelings about this. The part of me that doesn’t even want any relationship is the rational and logical part. The same part thought that being friends is on the table. But the emotional part just screams that it’s all or nothing.
Anyway, even just considering the fact that I was perfectly content with my life for years prior to this meeting, and the meeting sent me on a rollercoaster of emotions I haven’t felt in years, I don’t think it’s very reasonable to continue this thing.
Thanks for commenting. Responding to people here helps me organize my thoughts.
Dude, I think it’s worth considering the incredible potency of sexual biology. Your lizard brain has an almost undeniable urge to procreate, even if you aren’t interested in kids on a cognitive level. It’s amazing the tricks your hormones will play on your brain and your heart, to convince you to keep being close to someone you clearly aren’t compatible with. The brains lower functions don’t care about the mismatch, they just want you to sow your seed.
The funny thing is that sex isn’t even a part of the equation here, not on the conscious level at least. Sex is not what I want from her. But yeah, what you wrote still stands true. Brain chemistry doesn’t care.
Usually I pride myself on being a very logical person. Losing control of emotions is very out of character for me and it’s kind of a shock.