another implied fact: the pitcher MEANT to throw a baby, they just didn’t mean to throw a CHRISTIAN baby
There’s actually no evidence the pitcher was ever using a ball. And based off all the information provided it seems likely the pitcher has been throwing babies the entire game!
It’s also never mentioned it’s a baseball game. It says you’re a baseball player, that’s it.
Eigth implied fact : this is truly a game of basebaby (christian league), in which the standard accessory is a strictly regulated baby. It’s a license game, Smokey
I think even the best pitchers would struggle to throw a floppy baby 60 1/2 feet into the strike zone.
A swaddled baby is anything but floppy.
Except maybe the head.
But what if you got enough break on it to get the batter to swing at a baby outside the zone?
That would be super impressive and I’d love to see it! (Hypothetically, of course)
Implied fact: a baby is capable of having a religion, despite its inability to comprehend the concept.
7th implication: Religion is genetic
Implied fact: by distinguishing the baby as Christian, there must be non-Christian babies in close proximity.
Actual Implication: You’re supposed to care more about the Christian baby than a non-Christian babies.
Unintended Implication: non-Christian babies are less likely to be hurled.
Unimplied fact: all babies in this scenario are likely to hurl, regardless of their (parents’) denomination.
Well, if a pitcher pitches a baby, the baby is likely dead regardless if it’s going to make it all the way to the batter. Whether the impact with your bat or the catcher’s mitt is what ultimately causes the baby to die seems to me to be an unimportant detail.
That said, since the baby is entirely unaerodynamic, it’s going to move a lot more slowly than a regular baseball, meaning there’s a chance you could save the baby by bunting (especially if you avoid the head), and if you assume the catcher has an ounce of humanity, they’ll probably be more concerned with checking on the baby rather than tagging the runner coming from third or throwing you out at first base.
So here are the options as I see it:
- bunt
- hit it hard - nobody is going to catch a mangled baby
- refuse and take the L - irrational since the baby is a goner regardless
I’d go with 1, it’s the most humane, and probably no less likely to succeed vs 2.
What kind of Christian baby? If it’s Pentecostal I’ll hit it out of the park, but a New Southern Reform Anabaptist baby? No way!
Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.
Die, heretic!
I love that there is also the distinct possibility of non-Christian babies up there on the mound, with the pitcher as well.
What happens if the pitcher throws a baby of a different faith? Infield fly rule that leads to a game ending double play?
Some baseball scholars consider any contact between the bat and a Hindu, Sikh or Buddhist baby to be foul bunt, and therfore an automatic strike. A Scientologist, Church of Latter Day Saints or Jehova’s Witness baby on the other hand is considered a fair ball unless caught in flight with runners on first, first and second, first and third, or bases loaded (with less than two out).
I’m imagining a controversial new Ken Burns Documentary, with an emotional forward by Tommy Lasorda.
7th implied fact: the baby’s religion somehow plays a role in your deciding whether or not to hit it with a bat.
Eigth implied fact: The baby is durable enough to be hit by a baseball bat hard enough to fling it out of the stadium, and remain in one piece.
“So you’re playing baseball, and Martha Kent is the pitcher…”
I don’t see that implication
The baby is hardly going to make it out of the stadium if it splashes on impact.
Maybe not all, but individual parts should be far more aerodynamic!
Are there rules for that in baseball? If the ball breaks up I assume there’s no play and they do over.
Got bored and looked it up, and there aren’t, surprisingly. At least not in the 2019 revision of the Major League Baseball rules. But they do define what a ball is, and isn’t, and a baby is not considered a valid ball (3.01).
But at least according to Rule 5.01©(1), if part of the baby gets on the batter, they might be considered “hit by pitch”, and therefore eligible to advance to first base. (It would be considered a ‘dead’ ball, which is funny, given the context.)
The rules aren’t written expecting the ball to break into bits upon impact, so it’d depend on it actually happening to get precedent.
But at least going by 4.01(a,e), it’s the umpire’s fault for providing an invalid “ball”, and they might have to clean up, since they’re tasked with replacing the “ball” if damaged.
I would assume the baby’s head is what counts as the ball, here. If it detaches in a large piece and leaves the stadium, it should likely count.
Do they have spare Christian babies on hand though?
i like that all you needed was a hit to win but when you see the christian baby, you shift to a home run stance.
That’s because the “millions” you’d win were never contingent on you winning the game. You just made an oddly-specific bet with some really fucked up sports gamblers.
So what OOP is saying with their question is that the important attribute about that baby is that it is christian.
Meanwhile to a sane person, the important attribute about the baby is that it is a fucking baby flying through the fucking air!
If its a budhist baby I’m putting that little shit out of the park. He will be reincarnated, my conscience is clear. /s
But to be a Christian baby it must already be baptized and will therefore go to heaven instead of fucking around with reincarnation until it manages to not be a bad person and go to Nirvana.
Clearly the moral option!
Pastor approves wholeheartedly!
What is up with the bird at the end?
hellsitegenetics is a gimmick blog on tumblr that looks through popular posts on the website and tries to identify genetic sequences with in them and then post the creature that the genetic sequence corresponds to.
They’re a bit like haiku bot, which scans posts to see if they’re haikus and then formats the haiku and posts it, but i think hellsitegenetics is an actual person cuz they have talked about it in the past
broke: i’m not gay but $20 is $20
woke: i’m not an atheist but millions of dollars is millions of dollars
Also, using babies instead of balls would make the game a lot less boring.
And you’ll get really intense chants, which as far as I understand it’s a huge reason to go to live stadiums. Especially from the opposing team which in this case would be the thousands of protestors outside who would inevitably be very much against this whole thing.
Inside the stadium, while yes – technically there’s a separation of two teams – they’re both there because they want to see baby homeruns. They’re all on the baby-batting team.
Those babies are already born so the “save the babies” crowd won’t care.
Wait, what? You guys play baseball with christian babies too? No way! I thought we made that up in our neighborhood. Cool!!
If it’s a muslim baby it’s totally OK to bat at it, of course.
I’d smash that baby out the park. One way ticket to see Jesus.
Easy homerun.
