I haven’t sought any assessment for this stuff, but I have my hunches. So I don’t know if this is a thing, but every single time I appear clean and normally dressed, saying things that are agreeably sane and charming, and not talking about one topic at length or being super quiet, it is always because I have decided it is necessary.
Username checks out. I find that better situational control has come with age, for me. I sure can put on the charm and be sociable, but it’s contextual. I can function well at work, as I’ve developed a “work persona” that helps keep me on the level, but once I’m clocked out it’s a different ballgame. I have to conserve my effort for the times I most need to focus, and doing the thing that brings me income, well, that’s a top priority. I spend a lot of “time off” alone recharging.
Can I ask if there’s a diagnosis paired with that struggle? The worksona thing is highly relatable, I’ve worked at the same place since 2017 and none of them know who I am at home
So I need to make up a song about that, too? Because I will if I’m forced but I’ve shared some of the same struggles so I might have some big feelings while doing it. And I’m not a fan of big feelings.
You do songs?
Perhaps this will jog your memory
You’re the fella who Grinch songed me!! I swear I tagged you, I blame Connect.
The one thing that my wife and I consistently fight about. I’m 55 and have had this all my life so it’s not new. Basically all of the little quirks like unfinished projects, hyper-focusing on certain things (typically video games but often software projects or some electronic project I’m building in my lab … it’s a lab dammit not just a garage), clutter on my desk, terrible time management, misplacing stuff, delayed audio processing, forgetting bills or appointments, procrastination,etc… you know all the typical ADHD stuff. Yes my medication helps but not always 100%. And yes I can overcome 95% of them with just Herculean willpower that I just don’t have 99.9% of the time. She thinks it’s just an excuse and that all of these things happen because I guess I’m either lazy or just don’t care.
I do finish projects (sometimes) and have figured out how to use my “super powers” for good at my job, and I’m able to function most days so I guess I can see her point. We work very well together since she’s an ultra planner but sometimes a little more empathy would be welcome.
Even I struggle to not see it as a personal failing, and the only person I judge is myself. :-(
Talk to you as if either dumb, having a blanked-out stare, or seen as a child than a grown-up person sitting there quietly.
I hated that movie. My wife loved it.
You need to be more outgoing mate!
Have you tried learning to sleep better?
You should really focus on being taller.
Funny enough, I took shots to get taller. They helped a bit - I’m at average now 5’10". Without I probably would be <<5’
average for who lol
White Males in the USA - the category they were measuring me against
You should really focus on being taller.
Shut up! I’m doing my best! :(
Always been called lazy by my folks. " not right"
I had to try really hard to stop my family from playing armchair therapist with me.
Like they were making you be the therapist for them? Sorry I can’t figure out what you mean if that’s not it and that’s on me but I’m still feeling to understand you
No, they gave me unsolicited lectures about my life as though they were my therapist. I blocked my uncle after visiting him and his newborn abroad. I’d repeatedly told him to stop pretending to be a therapist and forcing me, my sister, and cousins into listening to him. Other family members have stopped by now.
Ohhhh. Jesus I get it I was dumb. What an asshat. Hope you are happier without them in your thoughts
“Armchair xyz” refers to an unqualified person speaking confidently about topics they have no experience or training in, and giving (often unsolicited) advice that could be inappropriate, not applicable, or even downright harmful. Additionally, they sometimes get upset when their advice is not welcome or not heeded, leading to additional tension.
I assume OP is receiving similar treatment from their family.
My mom passed away four months ago you know I know she’s in heaven, but my whole family didn’t know what she had and I may not be the smartest tool in the shed. I used to be, but it’s slowly degenerating, but I demanded that the doctor tester and she had a type one ALS I couldn’t believe they couldn’t see. I got her the best medication but it hurts you know autism. I know I have something high functioning or functioning maybe not ADHD it’s confusing and the medication didn’t work. I still really wanna work hard to help someone get cured. Don’t give up. I don’t give up you know when I was younger doctors even get me my tonsillectomy I said oh yeah, you need it. Yeah, yeah I was dying of it. You have to keep working on these things you got a hunch. You gotta work on it. I worked a little harder maybe I could’ve done more so don’t give up.
When I was single and having extreme dating difficulties:
“You just don’t want to date! If you did, you’d overcome this silly shy act and go do it!”
Damn, yeah being late diagnosed really puts a different lens on all the fun I had with dating.
✅ Impossible to flirt with because I don’t understand indirect communication. I also don’t know how to flirt.
✅ Total inability to play the games of dating (not the negative ones but the “dance” of courtship, I guess?"
✅ Rejection sensitivity making it impossible to know if someone likes me so I just assume no one is interested unless they flat out tell me in so many words and BOY HOWDY did that lead to some awkward situations
✅ People felt super rejected because people “make time for those they care about” whereas my lack of executive function means they probably are getting all my free time but it doesn’t look like that to an NT.
Both fortunately and unfortunately this manifested as manic Pixie dream girl energy so I did have access to dating. I didn’t think I would have been able to find a partner without internet dating though.
Funny anecdote: I once went on a first (and last lmao) date where we watched 500 Days of Summer in theater and that’s probably one of the worst 1st date movies ever 😬. But it was definitely a massive eye opener to the fact that people fall in love with an idea sometimes and that’s awful .
Uhh, pressured to date?
Removed by mod
Did you forget a /s?
No. As someone with a partner who has ADHD, I can see that it can be managed
As someone with a partner who has …
Mm, so you don’t personally know what the experience is like. I have a partner with chronic pain, and though I can see what she does to handle it and get by, that doesn’t mean I know what it’s like. If I were to tell people with chronic pain, “Oh, it’s manageable, I know someone with it and I see them get along fine, so you must not be trying hard enough,” it would sound awfully insensitive, wouldn’t it?
That might sound like a far-fetched comparison, but if you understood what experiencing executive dysfunction felt like, you’d know just how disabling it can be. Good on your partner, I’m glad they’ve found a solution/system/medication that works for them. But ADHD is a spectrum just as autism is. Even though I’m AuDHD, I know the things that help me aren’t necessarily things that others would benefit from, because these conditions are highly individualized. To know one individual with one of these conditions and assume everyone else must be the same is beyond unhelpful, verging into offensive.
There’s always room to find where a little different choice, a bit more effort at some point in your life, could have saved you. Enough of an excuse to sadisticaly tear someome appart.
Ah yes, you know someone with sufficiently manageable issues and who can mask well enough for you, and therefore everybody else should be able to do the same! Because all people with disabilities are the same.
JFC.
As someone who is familiar with the concepts of survivorship bias and anecdotal evidence I know that they can be easily learned and applied. You should give it a try.
You realize not everyone has the same level/type of ADHD? And not everyone responds the same to medicine? And that ADHD is often comorbid with other disorders?
Yeah and I am currently managing my ADHD too. Absolutely does not make it a personal failing for those who can’t. It took me years to figure out what worked and I’m still just barely able to manage. Sounds like you have some internalized ableism to work on.
I have been trying for over 20 years to find something that works.
I have tried every suggestion that anyone has given me. I have tried every (relevant) medication that I could get approved for. I have asked for help from every professional I could think of.
Nothing has worked.Your comment really hurts.
Hi there. I wanted to apologize for that. I understand that my words might’ve been uneasy to handle for someone who does everything to manage the condition.
When writing the original comment, I was thinking more about people who do nothing after the diagnosis. Fuck it, I’ve been there, but not with the ADHD. I was petrified by it and was using it as an excuse for a long time. I’ve lost 5 years of my life doing that, until I’ve found that I can manage it with otc medication. I let this anger slip into the original comment and I’m deeply sorry
Thank you. I really appreciate the effort put into this apology.
It’s too easy to accidentally hurt someone on the internet, and there is always the temptation to hide instead of making thing right when it does happen.
Thanks.
Free will is an illusion.
I like to say: It’s not even an illusion. It’s a dillusion.
I’ve been told I don’t understand things very well, when I do… just in a way that doesn’t show I’m a good little Jesuit-aligned wee-wee.
I have a brain tumor, and people seem to think its not a Real Neurodivergence® like ADHD, because I can just get a surgery and fix it. Spoiler, they can’t just fix it, its too deep to get to.
Does it grow?
If it is growing, it’s growing very slowly. I need to get a MRI every couple of years to check up on it.
Wow that is crazy. I mean you have physical proof that something is wrong with your brain.
“Disability” is apparently some mythical essence of your being and your worth rather than the literal meaning: not abled. Not a fan of the way it’s been socially constructed tbh.
I think the biggest reason people don’t recognize ADHD/Autism is that it doesn’t present visually in the way people feel that conditions should.
For example, things like Down’s syndrome, or turrets are recognizable.
Having ADHD or autism blends in for the most part. And people only seem to know what they see. So if you look “normal” you are normal.
Not your fault. But failing to deal with it is.
Your actions affect others. If you’re being a slob, that’s your responsibility.
If you’re being a slob
Although I don’t expect you’re intending to carry on ableist rhetoric, the implication that someone with ADHD is a “slob” implies a misunderstanding of why we do what we do. What someone else might call “disorganized” could actually be organized in a way that facilitates our daily lives. Sure, I could keep my medicines in a cabinet, but when I see them on my nightstand I am far more likely to remember to take them. Sure, I could put away all my art supplies when I take a break from a project for the day, but then I’ll lose track of what I was working on. Every time I “tidy up” I end up spending a significant amount of time trying to get back into my normal rhythm afterwards.
People will use words like “slob” even though there’s no trash lying around, I keep the floor swept, I wash my dishes immediately, etc., all because surfaces are covered in items that I actually use. My private space is for living in, and it reflects that. If someone else doesn’t like it, well, that sucks for them, but to imply that we’re “slobs” for finding ways to make our daily lives run smoothly is an unfair characterization.
Exactly this.
My father was (is?) bipolar. He was fine when he was on his meds, but decided to stop taking them and became a monster. Lost his job, wife, eventually my sisters and I went no contact for our own safety.
This is an autism community, not an ADHD community. I’m autistic, not ADHD. But i am aware that I need to put energy into communicating with people I want or need relationships with. Everyone is different, and every relationship needs compromise to be successful. To simply say “I have ADHD so you have to deal with it or get out of my life” well… Bye then.
Your actions affect others. If you’re being a slob, that’s your responsibility.
And what business is it of yours what state my desk, my room, or my home is in? How are you actually affected?
You’re not. Fuck off.
Failing to do your best to deal with it.
A small difference, but important.
If you’re walking too slowly, that’s your responsibility. I don’t care that you have a wooden leg.
IKR, fuck those people with disabilities for inconveniencing you.
How dare they use a physical impairment as an excuse to not do things to your satisfaction.
Selfish Is what they are.
in case it wasnt abundantly clear, that was sarcasm.
Ah yes, society is for tormenting less fortunate people with passive-aggressive rules.
Thanks mate, I’ll just try harder and buy a day planner.
