No one will ever care for me the way I care for them. There must be something so fundamentally repulsive about me, that people are willing to use me but the moment I try to open up I get cast aside. I dont blame them. No one wants a burden in their life. Maybe things could be different if I wasnt so ugly. But it wouldn’t really matter, because id still be broken beyond repair. I guess my father was right when he said no one would ever love me. He was right and it hurts. I already know that I will eventually kill myself. Im not sure how to write a suicide note, but if it’s bad I at least won’t have to live with it
Edit: and before anyone says the “don’t kill yourself, I care blah blah” bullshit platitudes: you do not know me. The person you are saying that to is some imaginary person you just made up in your head. A person who is “good enough” and “able to be loved”, and whatever other nonsense you thought of. But I am not that person. You wouldn’t know that, though. Because you do not know me.
It’s very late and I probably shouldn’t be typing comments to important matters, but I’m not known for good decisions so here we go…
When my head was filled with suicidal thoughts and things like that, what helped me was to view myself less as a continuous being. The person I was a decade ago is so different from the person I am now that I consider him dead. The person I will be a few years from now will be someone different again. So either way the me that was in pain got the end he wanted, just this way he didn’t deny the current me my existence. (For which I’m grateful.) He only had to endure a few years, not the whole lifetime of the body. Some might think that a negative way of looking at things, but it did really make it easier to keep going.
Also, it’s good to keep in mind that even if all the negative “This and that will never happen.” thoughts were true, the next you might have a very different attitudes towards them. I am just as alone as the previous me was, but where it caused him emotional and existential turmoil to the point of physical pain, to me it just… doesn’t really matter. I’m able to be content, at times even happy, despite it. Something the previous me thought an impossibility. Even if some things might not change, you will. And sometimes there’s a cat.
Anyways, I’m glad you are trying things. Reading, going outside and whatnot. Even if they don’t bring you as much joy or fulfilment as you might want, the new experiences and thoughts might help with the growth of the next you. If I may make a suggestion, journaling could be a nice addition to the list. Not a diary, but occasionally writing down thoughts and things you think a future you specifically could find interesting. It’s something I wish I had done more. I remember how I saw the world and myself to a degree, but I don’t understand why. As I never wrote it down, and past me’s thinking feels too alien to guess reasons for now, in hindsight.
I don’t know if any of this personal experiences bullshit is helpful or interesting to you, I doubt it, but as you pointed out I don’t know you. But I know myself, and so I figured I’d write down some thoughts that I wish the past me had thought about a little earlier than he did. In any case, I wish you luck in your battles and that things will get better soon. Since, at least in this moment, I do genuinely care. I need not know you to feel that way, it’s enough to know there is a person out there who feels broken. I’ve unlocked the superpowers of basic empathy, I suppose.
Good night.
Unfortunately, I dont think I’m that different from how i was a decade ago, if anything ive only become worse. I still think largely the same about myself, some thought patterns adapting to fit new circumstances, of course.
If i could talk to my past self, I would tell her that she’s a fucking dumbass for holding onto hope, and she should kill herself now to avoid future suffering. Ive not once felt grateful for not being dead. And a decade from now, that will probably still be the case, except I will be even uglier and less desirable. Probably. Look at me, still being a dumbass lol
On empathy, if I see a person suffering, I do not believe that my discomfort over their own hurt trumps their right to end their own life, if that is what they wish to do. Would I, personally, prefer if they didnt, sure. But it isn’t me in their skin, looking at the world, however they may perceive it, through their own eyes. As an outsider, you literally and figuratively have a different view point. Yes, I may see options that person hasn’t considered yet, or I simply see the person without the hatred they see themselves with. Telling another person to live, just to suffer is one of the cruelest things one can do. It is depriving them of their own bodily autonomy and self-efficacy. Does it get better? Maybe, maybe not. You dont know, they dont know, I dont know, no one knows. Why cant a person decide for themselves, whether or not they want to deprive themselves of that possibility.
But that is just my view on things.
Thanks for your comment, it’s always interesting to hear about differing wold views, even if I don’t necessarily agree with them.