No one will ever care for me the way I care for them. There must be something so fundamentally repulsive about me, that people are willing to use me but the moment I try to open up I get cast aside. I dont blame them. No one wants a burden in their life. Maybe things could be different if I wasnt so ugly. But it wouldn’t really matter, because id still be broken beyond repair. I guess my father was right when he said no one would ever love me. He was right and it hurts. I already know that I will eventually kill myself. Im not sure how to write a suicide note, but if it’s bad I at least won’t have to live with it

Edit: and before anyone says the “don’t kill yourself, I care blah blah” bullshit platitudes: you do not know me. The person you are saying that to is some imaginary person you just made up in your head. A person who is “good enough” and “able to be loved”, and whatever other nonsense you thought of. But I am not that person. You wouldn’t know that, though. Because you do not know me.

  • fckreddit@lemmy.mlEnglish
    3·
    10 days ago

    I felt like this about myself for so long (17 years) that I didn’t know any other way of thinking about myself. Only in last few months, I realized the “I am good enough” to be loved by myself.

    All I can say is that, I don’t need to know you to know that you really deserve to be loved. Your father was wrong when he said that. I am certain you will find that person you cares about you, but first, you will have to love yourself. It’s a paradox, but unfortunately it holds true. Only when you love and care about yourself, will you be able to find and accept other people who care about you.

    Meanwhile, if you want to have a chat, I am here for you.

    • bellly@sopuli.xyzOPEnglish
      1·
      10 days ago

      Oh great, i knew there would be one of these. It always makes me angry, so whatever I write isn’t directed at you personally. Also, I am truly happy that you managed to overcome this struggle, all on your own.

      To me “love yourself to be loved” and “everyone deserves to be loved” are completely at odds with each other. I deserve to be loved, while, apparently, having to fulfill a certain condition, which states I cannot be loved unless it is fulfilled. So which one is it then? All I hear is that I cannot be loved.

      Also, I disagree that everyone deserves love. No one deserves love. People deserve food, water, or a safe place to sleep. Those are material objects. They can, and should, be given to people. Love cannot. It is immaterial. It has to be given through a person. Hopefully, you would agree that forcing someone into emotional labour for the sake of someone else is unethical. But maybe I am just too stupid to understand it, like usual.

      Thank you for commenting, it’s just that over the years, ive heard these phrases so much that theyve started to piss me off. I know that wasnt your intention at all, it is simply the way I feel.

      • deifyed@lemmy.wtfEnglish
        1·
        9 days ago

        I don’t know squat about anything, I’m just here to say my opinion for some strange reason:

        To me, “love yourself to be loved” and “everyone deserves to be loved” isn’t at odds. One is a premise (of dubious origin) and the other is a wish, or a world view.

        I just got dumped by an SO that is head over heels in love with me. I’m not going into details, but believe me it’s true. However, I’m alot closer to hating myself than I am to loving myself. If you can believe this, then it’s proof the premise is… lacking.

        I do however believe that everyone deserves to be loved. Not in the “authorities should give out love stamps” kind of way, but in the i strongly and firmly wish and believe that all people are inherently good and if they had someone who really understood them, they would see the beautify within and love them kind of way.

        My two cents

        • bellly@sopuli.xyzOPEnglish
          2·
          9 days ago

          I agree that it’s a nice thought, that everyone could be loved. But in praxis it is simply not possible. Like I said, love requires emotional labour. And forcing people into that labour would be a necessity if it were truly deserved by everyone. Its a nice sentiment, but unfortunately an empty one.

          I know it’s harsh and painful, so I completely understand that people would rather not hear it.

          • deifyed@lemmy.wtfEnglish
            1·
            9 days ago

            I don’t get why you don’t think it’s possible. One person can love multiple people, so it’s not a question about if there’s people enough to go around.

            I’m also not sure why you insist forcing people into emotional labour is a requirement for it to be truly deserved. I guess our definitions of deserving differ. People deserve justice when wronged, but don’t always get it even though we have strong systems in place to try to achieve it. Even basic human rights are not guaranteed. Not sure if my definition of deserving something is right either though, mine is something along the lines of you fulfill a premise, therefore you are entitled to. You are inherently good, therefore you are entitled to love, at least in my opinion. That does not mean you are guaranteed love though. Because life is life and stuff is unfair.

            Oh and; only siths deals in absolutes

            • bellly@sopuli.xyzOPEnglish
              2·
              9 days ago

              Oh I guess I misunderstood then. Yea not everyone is guaranteed love, but i could agree that everyone has the potential to be loved. I personally wouldn’t want to be loved by someone who loved multiple people, but thats because im selfish and entitled. Not that i needed to say that, though, because my evilness has already been thoroughly established it seems lol

              • deifyed@lemmy.wtfEnglish
                2·
                9 days ago

                Ah I was thinking love as in family or good friends.

                Anyway, I don’t think it’s selfish or entitled. You are allowed to be who you are, including your preferences. I also prefer a monogamous relationship for myself.

                What evilness if I might ask?

                • bellly@sopuli.xyzOPEnglish
                  2·
                  9 days ago

                  Ooh platonic love :0 I was thinking more along the lines of romantic love lol well, they’re both important anyway.

                  Im evil because im not good, and because im not good im evil. Honestly, I just always felt like I was a bad person for no real reason. And because there’s no reason, im not sure how to fix it. If it even can be fixed at this point

                  Edit:

                  Important proof

                  • deifyed@lemmy.wtfEnglish
                    1·
                    9 days ago

                    Yet again I’m confused. Why does not being one thing turn you into the opposite? If a person goes through their whole life never doing a good deed, I wouldn’t call them evil. Just neutral I guess. It’s been a while since I reflected on moral philosophy… You are evil when your actions are evil. Maybe not even then. When your intentions are evil. People with good intentions can do bad stuff. I’d call them a lot of things, but probably not evil. People with evil intent can do good stuff, but… it would be easier for me to call that person evil. However; I think if you are able to understand the reasoning behind the evil intent, you’ll find the person either actually had good intentions clouded by a twisted world view, trauma or a disease. That’s what I mean by thinking people are inherently good. What I believe anyway.

                    Also. Feeling like a bad person doesn’t make you bad. I doubt good people walk around feeling like good people. Personally; I hide behind intent. I intend to be a good person. Wether I am or not is not up to me to decide. Honestly I can’t judge myself. I’m biased. It wouldn’t be objective