No one will ever care for me the way I care for them. There must be something so fundamentally repulsive about me, that people are willing to use me but the moment I try to open up I get cast aside. I dont blame them. No one wants a burden in their life. Maybe things could be different if I wasnt so ugly. But it wouldn’t really matter, because id still be broken beyond repair. I guess my father was right when he said no one would ever love me. He was right and it hurts. I already know that I will eventually kill myself. Im not sure how to write a suicide note, but if it’s bad I at least won’t have to live with it
Edit: and before anyone says the “don’t kill yourself, I care blah blah” bullshit platitudes: you do not know me. The person you are saying that to is some imaginary person you just made up in your head. A person who is “good enough” and “able to be loved”, and whatever other nonsense you thought of. But I am not that person. You wouldn’t know that, though. Because you do not know me.
Its just a deeply rooted feeling with no real reason behind it. Except maybe my shitty childhood. I thought using circular logic would illustrate how irrational it is, but it seems I didnt convey it very well.
I try to be a good person, to offset the inherent bad. But its difficult, when the bad is immeasurable and the good can be counted on one hand (not literally)
I get that the bad is immeasurable, but isn’t good also immeasurable? How do you count the good?
Also; why do you try to be a good person? As in what is your motivation for trying to be a good person
The good is measured in the things I do, the bad in me being. I always am, so Im always inadvertently doing bad. Yes I know this sounds stupid.
I believe that suffering should be reduced as much as possible. So if I can, I try to make other people’s lives at least a little bit better, even if its just for a moment.
This is something only a good person would say