So OP, tell me what did you try? Did you go outside and meet people? Or maybe do you speak and try to arrange in person meetings with people you know online? Nothing? When you say “trying” what exactly that mean?
I mean, as someone who used to be in a similar sort of position:
- Consider going outside and asking random attractive strangers to have sex with me -> no, that would be weird and rude and unpleasant for them, and that would make me feel terrible.
- Consider going outside and interacting with random attractive strangers in a friendly capacity, getting to know them a bit, then asking them to have sex with me -> no, I would be building the friendship under false pretenses. Revealing my desire to have sex with them would be a betrayal of their trust, and would make me feel terrible.
- Go to a bar or club where people commonly congregate with the intention of finding novel sexual partners -> Everyone seems to already know everyone they are talking to. Also, I can barely hear myself think over how loud the music is. Also, I have a creeping feeling that someone is going to stab me, so I move towards the nearest wall and put my back against it, then look in every possible direction as quickly as possible so I can see the threat before it comes. I talk to no one.
- Go to a bar or club, but drink so you’re less of an anxious wreck -> proceed to get plastered on the cheapest drinks the bar sells. Feeling that I’m going to be stabbed reduces, but this creates more space for my brain to notice that no one is talking to anyone they don’t know. Go home drunk and hating yourself for not figuring this out when everyone else has.
- Hire a prostitute -> No.
- Start online dating account -> get no matches. Max out swipes every day, still no matches.
- Consider getting better pictures for online dating account -> this would be misleading and catfishing. Your pictures should be an authentic representation of who you are.
I’m far past that stage in my life now. But the problem most of these guys have isn’t that they are unwilling to put in effort, so much as it is that they have it in their heads that all the forms of effort that would actually be effective are, in one way or another, morally wrong.
Most of that makes sense but
- Consider getting better pictures for online dating account -> this would be misleading and catfishing. Your pictures should be an authentic representation of who you are.
That’s silly. It’s completely normal to try and show your best self on dating sites. Unflattering pictures usually either come off as laziness, or like you’re just so ugly that those ARE flattering pictures. So long as you aren’t using edited pictures, or pictures of someone else that’s not catfishing.
I mean, all of the above points are silly. The issue isn’t the actual percieved constraints - it is the belief that these constraints are real and/or insurmountable.
For example, talking to a random attractive person in a public place because you are interested in them isn’t weird, rude, or unpleasant for them. Well, maybe it’s a bit weird these days, but as long as you are polite and genial about it, it’s the good kind of weird that makes you stand out from the crowd. Of course, you can make the whole interaction unpleasant, but former-me’s problem was that he assumed it would be, full stop.
The fact is that the above list is a list of genuine problems and concerns. But these are problems to be solved, not absolute barriers to action.
I also noticed that a number of these guys would also only persue women who were on the high end of physical attractiveness (or with very particular features) but had nothing in common with them. By strictly limiting acceptable potential partners by upholding strict physical standards, by prioritizing “hot girls” over “nice girls” or even “interested girls” they missed a lot of human connections. Including fun sex.
I’ll also admit to possibly falling into this category. But I’m not going to apologize for it. The fact is that no matter how nice or interesting a girl is, if I’m not physically attracted to her, then I don’t want to have sex with her.
And if I went ahead and had sex with her anyway, the sex wouldn’t be fun because I would feel awkward and put off and gross for having sex with someone I’m not actually attracted to - which, through no fault of my partner’s, would then make it bad for her too. Trust me, I’ve tried.
I’m not saying that this is how anyone else’s sexuality works. But it is how my sexuality works, and there’s nothing I can do about it, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
I’ve heard there are some guys out there who refuse to date any woman who doesn’t look like a fashion model because they have some kind of sense of entitlement about it - this is not me. Those guys should drop their ego, and sleep with whichever women they find hot and enjoyable to be around. But my standards for attractiveness are not about ego - they are about what I find attractive. And once my standards of attractiveness aren’t met, then I am not attracted to a person… sorry.
Not to say that women’s personalities are irrelivant, either. A woman I don’t find attractive for whatever reason can still be a wonderful friend. And if a woman is attractive and has a bad personality, at a certain point it becomes a dealbreaker even for a drunken hookup. And if a woman is attractive and has a good personality, fantastic! I hope she wants to keep hanging out and I hope I can make her cum lots and lots of times on many occasions!
But the reality is, if you have a disposition like mine, you are definitely playing a harder game than a lot of other people. The 'tism + high sex drive + nonmonogamous + straight as an arrow + physical attractiveness motivated combo really just leads to one conclusion - you gotta be hot so the babes will wanna suck your dick, bro!
So I just put the effort into being attractive, and it works out alright.
The bad stuff comes with holding unreasonable expectations and hurting others or oneself to persue them. That doesn’t sound like what you’re doing.
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Between the lines, I think OP’s therapist might think they’re cute.
Fake: Anon’s therapist thinks they’re cute
Gay: The therapist is a guy
I’m also thinking that
That is definitely one of the worst ways to hit on someone. “How are you still single” is not the compliment you might think it is.
Oh for sure. Not saying the therapist was being smart. Just maybe perhaps not intentionally a prick.
This is obviously fake and gay™, but PSA: if something similar happens to you IRL, it’s not therapy being useless, it’s therapist being an asshole and genuinely harmful to their patients.
Yeah OP should say “1 therapist is useless”.
The problem is you don’t know if your therapist might be an asshole before speaking to them.
You just look for a new one then right? I dunno how it works in other places around the world but we don’t have to sign up for an annual contract or anything here in Japan.
Sure, you just look for someone else, but it’ll take a while, and then you don’t know if your new therapist is also an asshole. And the last interactions with therapists have left some scars that might discourage you from even looking for a new one. Besides the mental health issues that you have might already make it hard to just pick up the phone, which doesn’t make looking for a new therpist easier.
In Germany, it’s a nightmare to get a therapist in the first place. I called every number available to me, each of them was packed to the brim. Even the waiting list was full. Save for one, who I was able to at least talk to, but she didn’t reach out to me in almost a year now.
So basically, you need to have insane luck to get therapy. Hearing some people jump from therapist to therapist just like that sounds almost like an utopia.
Apparently, German men would die of having a mental breakdown when on a waitlist of seeing a therapist than actually getting therapy
Generally speaking people who need mental health help are going to be more easily discouraged by a negative interaction than the general population even if they can afford therapy in the first place. In the US at least there’s also a shortage of therapists, meaning you might have to wait a long time to see anyone at all. And in my experience there are a lot more bad therapists than good ones (though assholes of this level are probably rare).
Honestly if it were me I’d just save myself the trouble, read a book on CBT and get some antidepressants.
Not sure if it’s the case here but I seen a thread at some point where tonnes of men were staying they had a bad time with a female therapist and had a much better time after changing to a man.
Maybe this is just one of those examples.
I wonder if a lot of women just don’t understand men all that well?
A lot of men don’t understand women all that well, so I can see how that tracks
From my experience, being an asshole does not correlate to gender
From my experience being inconsiderate to male problems does correlate with gender.
To be fair, shared life experiences make it easier. Training and experience should be able to compensate it, of course, but they do make it easier.
Probably goes for all genders, with male therapists having a harder time understanding female patients.
It’s fair to expect every therapist to be better than this.
Yeah this sounds pretty believable to me there’s a lot of shitty therapists
And in most places, you can and should report a therapist who did this.
Yeah.
Turns out, a whole lot of therapists are actually fucking hacks, but they’re also really good at gaslighting.
OP needs a new therapist using a different therapy style. Keep trying folks. (I have my favorites, but so does everyone.)
finding a good therapist is like dating, but you gotta pay for dates. it’s hard finding one that’s good for you.
You must not live in America.
i do, it sucks
What, you think we get free healthcare here? Like some kind of civilized country?
I know we don’t get free health care here. I spent days fighting to get my insurance situation fixed because I’m disabled and the American corporate healthcare quagmire suuuuucks.
Huh? They were saying that in response to the other person implying that you don’t have to pay for therapy.
I think they were implying you don’t have to pay for dates…
No, they explicitly said you have to pay for dates.
Ah fuck, you are right.
I parsed it differently and changed the meaning of “dates” mid-sentence, which one shouldn’t do when reading.
if op had the bandwidth to treat going to therapy like dating, they probably would not be a virgin, and would possibly not need therapy
sucks so much that finding good therapy is so hard, and way too much effort for for those who barely have the capacity to get one.
Im not sure if this fake person would solve all their problems by having sex.
that was not the implication, the implication is that if they were healthy enough to seek social fulfillment by “dating” multiple therapists, then they would have been healthy enough that they would have found social fulfillment by dating.
not that sex is some magic panacea.
i am pointing out an oxymoron
Why pay for therapy when you can pay for sex?
i doubt that would fix the problem they are in therepy for
OP is definitely lying about how this conversation went down
I would have assumed they were religious before asexual. I’ve known many people who were virgins until they married in their late 20s or early 30s.
I fucked so many good christian girls (and boys) up the ass in high school.
They all got married as virgins too.
I’m so sorry to bring that reddit bs over, but you do have a fitting username
nah thats not a reddit thing, that’s a social media where you shouldn’t use yoir real name thing
Blast from the past
Th… thanks, satan!
Nothing makes someone feel safe and heard like a therapist completely unable to comprehend that something considered socially embarrassing is possible. If you have a friend like this, heathygamergg on YouTube is making some amazing dating videos and thinks helping someone date is something simple every therapist should be able to do. Maybe not quickly but as he put it, a 5 year goal so you aren’t as desperate
You also have to take into account that is a very high possibility that what this guy is doing is being creepy and a “nice guy”, and whether intentionally or not is pushing anybody who might be potentially interested in him away.
I’ve seen it with one of my idiot friends. He’s perfectly nice normal person and you can have sensible conversations with them but whenever it comes to hitting on girls he goes all pick up artist on them. Of course if there’s one group of people who can’t hit on girls it’s people who watch pickup videos on YouTube.
Therapist are like toothpaste. You keep trying another one until you find one that you like.
It took me half a decade to find my first therapist (that would be covered by insurance and accepts new patients (the German health system is fucked)). But I do believe I got quite lucky.
You should see the finnish system… there is no therapist on sight to point of being illegal by basic constitutional rights, and still nobody bats an eye nor do you get any treatment that helps.
I like my toothpaste like I like my therapists, twice a day and in my mouth.
Most people would say shoes …
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I just switched to a new toothpaste.
How is it?
A little too minty.
Do you like cinnamon? I switched to cinnamon paste and floss, because my cat loves mint. I didn’t know it existed until I just searched out of desperation.
You don’t like your cat checking your breath?
I do like cinnamon. So much so I just restocked my Wrigleys big red supply. I don’t think I want cinnamon toothpaste though.
On to the next one, then.
I still got most of a tube to work my way through. I think I’m going try the cheapest colgate next.
$2 tube of Colgate w/ baking soda & peroxide. All you need.
I recommend whatever the cheapest Sensodyne is.
Mint is milder than Colgate. Active ingredient is Strenuous fluoride which is better for your teeth and bonus points it reduces sensitivity to hot/cold
In my experience, Colgate tends to leave a feeling that the teeth and mouth are still not as clean as they should be — at least the cheap varieties do. That’s while I scrub in there for like fifteen minutes.
In comparison, everything feels squeaky clean after Blend-a-Med. But idk if it’s widely available outside of the Europes.
I’m with the therapist. You couldn’t possibly have wanted sex for that long and not gotten laid. It’s just sex.
Such empathy
Demisexual erasure, as per usual.
Usually with a therapist or other people, there would be more likely of asexual erasure than questioning how I would have not gotten sex yet
If this is true, OOP probably had some long unresolved trauma and/or underlying guilt religious indoctrination or obesity, low self-esteem or depression or something similar holding him back for that long. Not sure if this greentext was a word-for-word quoted conversation between a real-life patient & therapist, but if so, that therapist’s credentials need to be revoked. More likely the conversation was an imaginary one from some OOP’s lazy self-deprecating imagination.
So at what point in your life do you get a coupon that guarantees free sex?
That’s totally how therapy works.
Every profession has people in it who’re bad at their jobs.
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And the cheeks clapped.
That therapist’s name? Albert Einstein.
So green text got a shitty therapist and needs to get a new one. Pretty normal, really.
had a therapist try to get me to realize Jesus is the answer to all of life’s problems. At the time I had been going to a christian church all my life. like yeah, OK Debbie, I like Jesus too, but praying it’s making me have less OCD behaviors I want need to start coping with or breaking so it stops ruining my life.
skill issue huh, shame
The therapist smelled red pill ideology and chose to turn away the client rather than suffer someone who consistently undoes their work by going back to the manosphere.
To be fair, recognising that you have a problem and going to a professional is the best case option.
Luckily, this is a green text and therefore fake.
I know several virgins who are older than that who don’t adhere to red pill ideology. They’re just not very attractive and have social anxiety issues so they’ve never been able to find a partner. Therapy would probably help them out in that regard. I don’t think therapists making assumptions like is depicted here is the way to go. Also don’t think this story is real.
What in this post indicates that?
That’s kind of an insane conclusion to draw from this, honestly. Do you think any guy who can’t get laid is a redpilled denizen of the manosphere?
In their defense, this is Anon from 4Chan
But overall I agree with you
Fair.
People ironically promoting toxic masculinity by perpetuating the stigma that a man needs to get laid in order to be respectable and have self-worth.
be me, formerly professional-level troll on WoW forums
my golden days are long gone, sadly
lightbulb.wav
what if I used all my experience and mastery to earn a living?
gonna open a therapist office
MFW I’m the worst therapist in the world and morons come and pay me to ask them why they are still virgins at 28
they always go home sobbing
[Insert some pepe]
I think I can see what went wrong here. The therapist is probably trying to disrupt their internal narrative but hasn’t established the baseline trust. Confrontation can be important in therapy. Sometimes, people can get the idea that their agency doesn’t matter, that they are just the sort of person who doesn’t get to (lose weight/have sex/get that job/etc.) and part of a therapist’s job can be to get the patient to break down that belief by questioning it, but if they haven’t established the necessary trust with the patient, it just comes across like a trollish comment on the internet, a random attack from a stranger who might not only not be doing it for your best interest but even to be hurtful for their own amusement.
Yeah the “you didn’t really try” can be super dismissive from a stranger. Or it can be a positive message like “you are stronger than you think” coming from a friend. But I don’t think even coming a friend you’d get that, when you are down the hole.
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Yeah, and I think the better way of phrasing such a thing is “you’re defeating yourself before putting in a good external effort.”
I remember being young, a virgin, and struggling to get laid. And yeah I really thought I was trying, but it was more like I was trying to try. I wasn’t chatting people up, I wasn’t going out, I wasn’t socializing much at all, and when someone literally fell into my lap hitting on me I pushed her away. I was dealing with my own mental issues and while I wanted to get into a relationship or even just laid, those issues stood firmly between me and actually trying. Hell, it had turned out I had been hot the whole time.
The problem is that it’s bad fiction.
i wish a lady would interrupt my narrative with her baseline trust.
*thrust
This is the only sensible response I can see in the whole comments section. Lot of replies from people who think a therapist’s job is to cheer you up with a wholesome pep talk and send you on your way.
Sometimes a pep talk is what you need. Sometimes it’s a harsh reality check. The quality of a therapist is partly determined by their ability to know when one or the other is needed.
it’s green text; it’s more made up than an r/aita and r/tifu post combined.
Greentext means it was written by an ignorant person, not necessarily that it is false.
it just comes across like a trollish comment on the internet, a random attack from a stranger who might not only not be doing it for your best interest but even to be hurtful for their own amusement.
And Only time and repetition will be able to tell if it’s in good faith or bad faith.
Context and tone are so important in therapy. I had trouble with a new counselor because she was far more challenging than my last one, who was more about building my confidence. She kept pushing, lightly, until I defended myself — I told her that suffering isn’t a competition and how I feel is valid — when I realized she was trying to get me to own my emotions when I was almost disassociating. She’s better than I initially thought, and she treaded that line very well.
