Wasn’t sure if I wanted to put it out there, but I needed a place to let it out. I suppose my situation was too good to be true. Dated for years, but the marriage itself did not make it to a single year, at least unofficially.
It’s been a stressful time. She previously had a government job under an agency that doge culled. She loved her job. I realize that as a society we work too much, but to some degree people do want to feel productive and that many people find their workplaces to be places of belonging. She apologized for taking so long to come to this conclusion, but she mentioned that this time away from work has helped a lot with self-reflection.
I was aware that she considered herself bi previously and that she had relations with women before. I wasn’t aware of the extent of it. She told me she felt compulsory heterosexuality for a long time, but wasn’t entirely sure of it and I was her last chance in regards to men. She told me she still loved me, just not that way, and that I was the best partner she’d ever had, that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard. We discussed a lot of more private feelings, mostly trying to understand and showing concern for each other.
I support her. If that’s how she feels then that’s how she feels, and she deserves to be happy. I’m not angry with her, and we’re not leaving each others lives, just changing roles. It still hurts a lot, but that’s life sometimes. It isn’t anyone’s fault.
That said I’m glad I won’t be doing anything tomorrow. I’m just struggling to function right now. And yeah, that’s how it’s going.
Edit: I slept in today quite a bit. I’ve read through most of the replies and it really melted my heart. I cried a bit. I didn’t expect so many kind words or this much encouragement. I appreciate a lot of the advice too. I don’t really know how to express any gratitude beyond this. I will try to reply a bit more later, but I need to take some more time to myself for a while. Thank you.
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Well, a lot of downer comments here in a way, so even though you probably don’t need it maybe, here’s a half glass full ego boost for you:
Apparently you’re such an amazing guy, you made a lesbian think she’s bi so strongly she went as far as marrying you. Like, you must be charismatic, kind, and charming as heck for it to have gone that far, if you think about it. An asshole dude on the other hand would have caused her to doubt she was ever bi.
So yeah, at least I think it’s safe to say if you ever do get in another relationship with someone more hetero, it should be very likely to be a great success. And, you still come out of this with potentially a best friend too while at it.
That’s legit a great takeaway
The other view of this is that the ex felt compelled by society to play hetero (and hedge by saying bi) because she felt she couldn’t fully commit to being gay because of how it might affect her life.
It’s that OP’s love and nurturing support allowed the ex to grow into herself and realize who she is a person. It’s a rough break as the result of that, there’s no way around that. OP is the egg that hatched a songbird. But either way, OP deserves mad credit for having given someone the gift of knowing who they are and being able to express it. I think it transcends sexuality to something far higher.
And yeah, it’ll take OP years to get around to feeling only joy about all this. But they’ll feel it one day, and it’ll be amazing for them.
Right, OP should get a letter of recommendation for this.
Good take. Also in this post he comes off a kind guy with a healthy mental state and balanced perspective, at least on this, so that’s probably one of the things she liked about him.
At least you got that going for you. Which according to my research (living) is more rare than it should be, so congrats on that!
That must suck for you OP, but credit to you for being such a stand up guy about it. The fact that you haven’t even hinted as to any sort of ego bruising as a result of this shows a level of emotional maturity that’s uncommon and admirable. I wish you luck if you decide to hit the dating scene down the line.
You flatter me. I don’t really know how to take it like that. This is just two people being themselves. We haven’t done anything wrong besides being incompatible in certain ways.
And I appreciate the kind wishes, I’m not sure if I’ll try later. She is one of the only people in the world I can say I have ever felt comfortable being vulnerable around and I’m not sure that I could build up that trust with anyone in the future.
I understand how you feel and I understand you believe that now. Give yourself some time to heal. And you’ll be out there again in no time. You won’t even know it’s happening when it’s happening. As humans, we naturally reach out to people. You don’t ever have to download an app, but I know you will find people that will make you happy even if you decide ultimately not to get in another relationship. But don’t deny yourself happiness when it stares you in the face.
emotional maturity
This guy is the dad I wish i had…
Dude Dont blame the dad Being emotionally mature is not easy
I think the OP is entitled to be more upset than he is - I presume his wife didn’t intend to hurt him, but the fact of the matter is that she did, and IMO marrying him while being wrong about whether or not she was actually sexually attracted to him was real wrongdoing on her part even though it wasn’t deliberate.
I can’t speak for OP’s wife, but she may have honestly thought she felt that way about OP before realizing over time that she didn’t. It sounds like there was at least still legitimate romantic attraction, if not sexual. Processing attraction is not made any easier by how much most societies condition the concept of heteronormativity.
It sucks to find out that late, but the amicable separation is at least a better outcome than trying to prop up a loveless marriage for years and years out of guilt. Agreed that OP is entitled to feel upset, but I don’t think it’s entirely fair to put her in the position of the offender (however unintentionally) when she may likewise be feeling awful about everything.
I support her. If that’s how she feels then that’s how she feels, and she deserves to be happy.
Your marriage may be finished, but you are an amazing human being and you succeed at being a good person. I’m sorry for your situation, it sucks, but with time you both will be okay and find new respect for each other. Sending Internet hugs.
Good luck, bud. That’s not easy, but if you found one, you’ll find another.
Hey OP, I can’t say I understand the hurt you must be going through but just know that you’re a damn good human being and it will get better man.
She told me she still loved me… that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard… I’m not angry with her… It isn’t anyone’s fault.
You’ve already vocalised all the important stuff you need, right there.
The is the most adult story I have read in a while, and that’s meant on every level.
OP I hope you and your wife/partner/best wingman ever(whatever y’all land on 💜) the absolute best. All the hugs.
I’ve had this happen, I know exactly where you are. Only difference was that he came to the conclusion months before I was let in on it and was not given the chance to discuss it before he broke things off and assured me it was well, well over.
My heart goes out. It’s heartbreaking. You’re doing this right. It’s hard but your heart is in the right place through the pain.
I’m cheering for you from over here. Keep being amazing.
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The last woman I messed around with before realizing I was gay was essentially perfect. She was nice, healthy, great smile, genuine, fun… My lack of sexual attraction feelings for her were what convinced me I was gay. It was like “Well, if this isn’t doing it for me, there’s no bisexuality in my future.” Your wife probably really liked you and thought were perfect, and probably someone other woman will think you’re perfect too in the future. Your wife was just gay, and probably wished she liked you because you’re so perfect, probably felt like maybe she could make it work because you’re so great.
I have known people that were the appropriate gender for me, were interested in me, that were nice, healthy, great smiles, genuine, fun, smart, kind… And I had absolutely no attraction to them.
Sometimes you just aren’t attracted to someone, even when everything should be right. Sometimes you’re attracted to people that you know for sure would be absolutely terrible for and to you (like the person I felt limerance toward that was a literal crack addict, probably sleeping with people for drugs, definitely a mean person, deeply mentally ill… …and none of that affected how I felt). You can’t control your feelings; feelings just are. The best you can do is control what you do with them.
I know what you are saying is true, but I believe if I were heterosexual that I would have been attracted to her. I have not had the same-sex equivalent of that experience (a guy who seemed sexy and cool and wonderful and I just didn’t feel sexual with them when close).
I strongly recommend watching “Priscilla: Queen of the Desert” as a cathartic road trip Aussie comedy palate cleanser.
If my girlfriend suddenly came out as gay I would probably have an emotional breakdown, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Big ups for being a genuine giga-chad about it though.
I think you’re taking things the right way. It’s okay to feel hurt because honestly it does suck, but it is just life. Sometimes bad things happen and it’s no one’s fault.
It sounds like it would have been easier had she been more upfront, but when someone is going through an identity crisis like that, sometimes they just don’t know. Sexuality is a fickle topic with no clear dividing lines, so sometimes it just takes people a while to figure it out/deprogram/come to terms with who they are.
I certainly don’t think you’ve done anything wrong OP, nor does it sound like she did.
But it’s okay to be upset, and I don’t think you should bury that feeling just for the sake of being stoic (not to say you are, just in general). Hopefully you can still rely on each other as you work through things emotionally, and remain amicable going forward.
I have held it in a little bit, but mostly out of need to. I have definitely cried whenever I’ve had the opportunity to.
I don’t blame her with taking her time to figure it out, and I’m happy that she trusted me enough to even tell me. She deserves credit for that.
Figuring these things out is hard. It can take years, even decades, to really know yourself.
She has made an important discovery worth celebrating. It’s just really unfortunate that it also resulted in a tragedy like this. It’s a mixed bag, so having mixed feelings is okay.
Try to process those emotions. Name them. Experience them. Let them do what emotions do. They will pass sooner or later, and it’s all very human. Once you know your emotions, they won’t control you.
We’ve had one wife, yes. What about second wife?
Its a deep disruption, but atleast… At least its not finding out shes too close with two defensemen from the local AA hockey team. Now i cant even enjoy another Utah Mammoth game as long as i live.
Fuck. That’s rough. I got cheated on while she was on a two month trip to Israel. I wasn’t Jewish enough (at all). And it was summer '23, right before things escalated. I had to make sure it didn’t turn me into a hateful piece of shit, but couldn’t watch the news for a long time
Shit, at least you’re not dating a Zionist anymore though, right? I’d consider that a bullet dodged.
Bro. Are you doing okay? Holy shit.
It warms my heart that you still want to be friends with her and not rip things up completely. It must have been so difficult for her to come out, given that she would risk losing you completely. I hope you find a way to move forward from this. It is as you said nobody’s fault.
My sympathies to you for having your life shaken like this…
You sound like a good dude. Similarly, my best friend came out to me as trans a few years ago, and was terrified of their wife’s potential reaction (I was the first one to know, and I’m glad they have that level of trust in me). In their situation it was a lot of worry for nothing, as the wife is pan, but still scary and stressful (‘what if’) for them. I imagine it was a similar emotional situation for you two.
I’m sorry that you are going through this, though it seems like you are doing the best that you can. Stay strong.
I head a very similar situation start roughly 7-8 years ago. She came out as lesbian after assessing the possibility of being bi, and i was struggling myself with also the possibility of being gay. I primarily identify as ace, so plenty of confusion. I settled with bi for now, but anyway, she fully publicly came out in 2019 and got nothing but support, except from my family. They are currently no-contact for many reasons. There were a lot of rollercoaster emotions overall.
Anywho, were still besties, and we have a house that we share, and she just got engaged to her true love, and i can’t be happier for them. We’re in the midst of a very amicable divorce (nothing to split and no kids), and it’s been kinda nice to be solo
I know this is a more peculiar situation, but it worked out in the end 😁
If my family were involved they wouldn’t be supportive, but I would not allow them to harm her in any regard.
I consider myself demi at the moment, but with just how much it takes for me to bond with anyone I do sometimes it feels that I may as well be aroace. It’s hard to describe the amount of important aspects that we share together that made us functional together even if it only took one fault to make it impossible.
We’re still going to live together for the time being. I might be more bothered by sharing the same bed than she is. We do want to separate at some point so she can pursue love on her own, although she doesn’t feel a lot of confidence about that.
She wants me to try dating though, but I also just don’t feel any confidence about finding anyone.
Honestly, the least she could do for you after pulling the rug out on you like this is hit the couch.
She probably would if I asked.
It’s her bed though, and we agreed a long time ago that neither of us would in any circumstance take the floor or any other space that’s less comfortable than the bed.
We will look into separate sleeping spaces in the future. It’s not the closeness that bothers me as much as it is how she mumbles in her sleep. Nothing that she has ever said in her sleep hinted at this, and judging by last night it’s probably not going to change. I don’t think I’ll be alright hearing it every night.
I kinda had the same problem with working through my sexuality. I started hetero because I was raised in the south so of course I wasn’t gay. Then, I thought… hmmm, these girls aren’t doing it for me. And so, I tried with guys. No, that’s not it, either. Maybe I just haven’t found the right one, yet. So, I kept bouncing back and forth thinking maybe I’m bi, because neither turned me off, but neither turned me on. Turns out, I’m ace. It took 30 years to sort that shit out, and honestly it was a youtuber talking about how they felt and how they discovered it that made me realize exactly what I was going through. Unfortunately, I have a long string of exes that didn’t end well because I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to understand what I was going through. Hopefully OP and anyone else struggling has a better outcome.
