What makes it worse is the language barrier… cuz I’ve been using English since 8 and its my primary lanfuage, and my mom sounds awkward af in English and she won’t understand complex topics…
And like if I start talking philosophy, then it sounds so doomer and like mom be like: (translated) “Why are you overthinking everything?”
But okay wtf do I talk about? Do I start going on a rant about politics and them mom be like: “You can’t change politics, just accept it”
Like WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I talk to dad about like hypothetical interstellar travel and time dialation and dad was like: “Cool story bro” (like the Cantonese equivalent of it)
Like what the hell, are they just so boring? And they are saying I’m gonna become “autistic” because I never talk to them…
There’s nothing to talk about that ends the conversation happily.
Literally more boring responses than a fucking LLM lmfao
They’re boring. I have family like this. Snore. Surround yourself with better people. Families suck.
There’s an art to small talk. A language barrier makes it a challenge.
And that’s what it seems your mom is looking for as the foundation of conversation on your end. But, I suspect she’s more wanting you to listen than necessarily talk. If you start by asking about her, I suspect that it’ll go smoother because you’ll input what topics she’s thinking of the most and be able to adapt better.
And yes, that does seem a bit narcissistic. But sometimes parents just want us to show we care, in ways that they can grasp easily. I can’t call it narcissism in terms of it being bad though. It’s just part of the human condition. Parents often want updates on their grown kids, but they’ve also spent decades worrying about and focused on the kids, so there’s an assumption that the degree of interest will point back at some point.
And, up to a point, it should. As we age up, there should come a point when we start looking at our parents as full people, taking an interest in them as more than our support network.
So keep it simple. Ask more questions about what she’s doing. See if that helps. If it doesn’t, then there’s other stuff you can try
Ask her if she is going to get the bathtub fixed.
LMFAO, you remember that post? 🤣
She would just be like: “You are a MALE, why don’t you learn from dad how to fix stuff” and belittle me. (like what lmfao, dad doesn’t even know how to fix it which is why shits is broken all over the house)
For what it is worth, I struggle with this too. It is important to remember the humans on the other side of the conversation and step into their shoes. I don’t know what it is like to be a parent since I am not one, but I can sympathize with unfulfillingness of having a weird kid. Their purpose in life was to raise you for quite some number of years. Society has shaped their expectations on what a kid should be like. I don’t really have anything in common with my parents or talk to them often and it frustrates them, too. If you don’t want to talk to them, tell them that. That’s better than ghosting them at least, which I am guilty of.
What do I talk about with family… We are few, but we have our niche interests.
Small talk about work and how’s things going, health, anything of note you’ve done recently like watching a show or visiting somewhere etc. That goes with everyone as a filler I guess.
Mom will ramble about politics and all her friends and family. I occasionally ask about some of her relatives if I remember, and yes, her relatives are also mine but I don’t have much of a relationship with these people like she does. So yes it’s more about listening. She also likes to talk about her plants and the birds in the backyard.
Dad doesn’t need much input. Occasionally I’ll have a tech question for him that he will answer or not depending on how much he can be bothered. If it’s him opening conversation, it’s probably going to be on either a tech or politics news topic. He may or may not want to show off his latest tinkering project. He’s more like the average Lemmy user, only he’s not a Lemmy user.
Sister has a more intense work life and topics will include work, food, finances, her friends, occasionally popular culture (movies, games). Great listener for whenever I have anxiety over something, or when I just need someone to explain me the normal way of doing things for normal people.
cuz I’ve been using English since 8 and its my primary lanfuage
We could all use a little practice.
typos dont count lmao, i use phone most of the time… hard to type
I was just casually giving you a hard time.
Maybe letting her talk first could help you find out what she wants to talk about?
I have the same problem, but it is with everyone, small talks just dont work in my brain
in my case I do have an autism diagnosis
My mom and I usually just talked shit about Dad. Dad and I don’t talk much cause we have basically nothing in common. There’s times one of us will start rambling about so.ethimg we found interesting, but it’s more just to say it than to actually have a conversation. Sometimes that’s nice, like venting into the void of the Internet can be nice.
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Bring a bunch of random hard copy photographs (literally anything). Point at each of them individually and say “huh, how about that” after pointing do the /are you impressed/ thing with your eyebrows. I promise some conversation will spark at some of them.
You assume these people have imagination, some people really are just boring. Go to work, watch TV sleep. That’s it for a large majority of them.
I gave a real answer in his other post. Also, you can talk about those three things you mentioned for hours.
Reminisce about when you were a kid and things you did then. Tell them things you didn’t when you were a kid, things that happened at school, or things you did with friends, etc. Ask about other family members or their old friends, etc. Ask your mom how to make that comfort food that you’ve tried and can’t get quite right. It doesn’t need to be deep, they just want to spend time with their kid, whom they love, before they die.
You have stories, everyone does, and so do they. Tell them yours and that might prompt them to tell theirs.
Mum: when I was younger, it was practically impossible to hold a conversation with her, or even near her. She had a nasty habit of constantly interrupting every single body, and spend minutes rambling about something unrelated. It was so bad it caused family fights, to give you an idea. To make it worse, asking her a direct question was always a chore, so you couldn’t really direct the conversation to a topic both would enjoy.
As she got older she got this problem under control. [She still does it, but it’s way more bearable.] Nowadays we talk about random stuff; everyday stuff, our days, something I’ve been working on, something she was painting, about plants (her orchids, my peppers), etc.
Sis, BIL: we talk about random stuff, really; small plans, beer, cheese, etc. Or one of them vents about the other for me, as they know I won’t relay it to the other.
Nephew: mostly games, his plans for the uni, computers, stuff like this. Sometimes anime/manga.
The other day we had a family gathering and we’d all paired off talking quietly. Then my mother suddenly piped up saying “and now we will talk about this, answer this question”, ruining everyone’s conversation. My niece and I shut her down, but it was too late, the rest of dinner was awkward as hell.
My mother tends to do this as well. It can work sometimes if it’s a topic of interest to everyone, but it’s usually not and just interrupts.
She and my FIL both do this thing where you can tell they have something they want to talk about, wait for a chance to interject and then suddenly change a natural conversation to their pet topic. I call them both out on it now I’ve noticed.
That sounds extremely forced from her part, even worse than what my mum did. As if she was trying to control the conversation.
Mine was simply clueless. Now thinking, I remember grandma scolding her because of this. Stuff like “aah, let others talk too”.
I talk to my parents at least once a week.
The majority of it is just each others’ goings on. Stuff my son did this week, like his chess club meets, or karate classes, or special school events. Maybe he visited a friend’s place, or one of his friends came over to ours. My wife and I help run a non-profit PTO organization, so we’ll often talk about events we run or are planning for. We might talk about things we’ve done with our own friends.
My mom’s been fighting cancer and other health issues off and on for years, so from their end, it’s often updates about that. Doctors’ appointments or just how her day-to-day pain management is going. But we’ll also talk about other things going on in their lives, similar to what I mentioned above about ours. Often, she’ll fill me in on things happening with regard to extended family, as she has several siblings, and mu dad has even more. Weddings, graduations, new babies, illnesses, that kinda stuff. During baseball season, we’ll probably talk a little bit about games we watched during the week.
Long story short: what we talk about is our lives. Cause we care about each other, so it’s each other that we’re interested in. And I don’t mean that as a criticism, or an implication that you don’t feel the same way about your family. I’m just trying to put into words what the, uhh… emotional logic is, behind it all. It sounds like you’re having trouble wrapping your head around that part, and if so, I can appreciate why the whole concept of small talk might seem inscrutible to you.
Alternatively, maybe there just… isn’t a relationship of mutual love and care between you and your parents. If so, that sucks, whatever the reason. It all works in my scenario because the love and care is genuine, both ways. If it wasn’t, that’d be a tough roadblock to overcome.
