My fiancée does not know how to order off a menu. Actually she does, she doesn’t care to order from a menu like most people do.
Going out to eat with her is pretty much an hour long ordeal of me gritting my teeth while she racks up a bill 3x mine, all while trying nicely to steer her to just one item. She’ll open the menu, get overwhelmed with options, and end up ordering a la carte from places that do not work that way, asking for endless substitutions and upcharges. As an example, at a restaraunt, she might not be able to decide between a burger or chicken tenders, so she’ll ask for “a half order” of both of them, then she likes the sound of one specific dipping sauce that comes with another entree so she’ll ask for a cup of that, etc. Etc. I’ll say something before we go in, she’ll promise me she’ll just get a water, and then get a water - and a margarita. It’s draining. At this point, we go out maybe once pr twice a year unless something forces us out more than that.
The scenario that prompted this rant was that tonight was one of those times. Our bill was $82.10. My entree plus water was $10.99.
I do this - order a la carte and hold stuff. I try to be very nice about it. I don’t want a 3 taco plate with rice and beans for $20, only to throw most of it away. I want a la carte one taco and rice. Everytime I get a salad without dressing, a burger without sauce, anything without cheese, etc., it gets questioned. Please stop trying to give me other dressings, different sauces, and cheese on everything. I get menu anxiety and usually check it before we go so I can make a plan, especially if we’re dining with people I don’t know well. Know that’s it’s frustrating for her too; extra frustrating if you’re calling attention to it.
I might fundamentally disagree with you what a restaurant is. For me it’s a place where hard working people get to share their cuisine with you. Most I’ll ask at a restaurant is one alteration to one dish.
When I read the OP and your post, a restaurant seems like the place for you to get the perfect meal.
As Beau Miles puts it: “I plan on regretting what I’m eating at least once this week”
The restaurants I visit usually sell food, not cuisine. Ordering 3x the food I want seems wasteful and expensive. I don’t think that skipping cheese (and associated diarrhea) makes it the perfect meal.
Different cultures! Dietary restrictions aren’t optional though
Just choose better restaurants that facilitate this type of ordering. You’ll both be better off.
Most restaurants do “facilitate” this type of ordering in that they’ll allow you to request whatever, but they will charge you for it.
Take a swing at her next time
I appreciate the advice, Mr. Connery, but dont know if its the best in the long run
Doors she do better if she can see the menu before getting to the restaurant?
I can’t afford to eat at places that use words like la carte and entree so not entirely what help I could be here. But I don’t really see a problem in doing other things instead. I know I wish our friends would. Even cheaper places still feel pretty expensive and the food is something I could make for no effort at home by just chucking a packet into the oven.
Jesus.
Get out now, dude.
Nah, im just being dramatic, venting. She’s literally great in every other aspect, financially speaking. We split rent 50/50, buy groceries separately, both contribute equally to a rainy day cash jar, etc. Etc. It’s just that all of that responsibility goes out when she gets to a restaraunt booth. I’m not going to tank 6 years over that, just using the community for what its made for
I think it’s time for a very honest conversation and try to get to the root of the issue, in addition to relationship counseling and possibly financial planning.
Or they just agree to go Dutch 🤷🏼♀️ he can just say “I have $30 budgeted for this meal, anything over that needs to come out of your budget”
That’s kind of like a bandaid on tissue that’s threatening to necrotize. It can be done, but the actual issue needs exploration and excision.
just using the community for what its made for
Just as the internet was meant to be. I genuinely hope things get better.
That would drive me insane.
I’m glad your girl is otherwise a great partner, but are you worried other things like this might become evident once you’ve tied the knot?
My wife was bad with restaurants, groceries, and utilities before we lived together. I took over rent entirely, and made her responsible for the rest. Shockingly, she started buying less junk food, became more conscious about power and water use, and orders more frugally at restaurants
My partner has a friend like this. We take her to a place we like, because it does have good food…
They then makes an endless series of modifications to a dish the place is known for, until it’s utterly indistinguishable, and the back of house crew will be very annoyed. Then they complain that the food wasn’t good.
What’s the root concern? Cost, imbalance, or inconvenience?
- If it’s cost, she can pay for herself.
- If it’s imbalance, don’t go 50/50. She can pay for whatever she wants.
- If it’s inconvenience (takes too long to order and get food), you can order and ask for your food to be brought out when ready. Or just wait, chill out, and enjoy some time together.
You should never worry about inconvenience to the restaurant or staff. Substituting is normal. If they can’t do it, they’ll tell you. Otherwise they’ll happily provide the food and take the money. That’s the social contract.
From your description, it looks like the main issue is #1 and #2. If so, a frank conversation should fix it. It may solve the problem, or uncover larger issues and expectations you should probably handle before getting married.
Start splitting the bill so you each only pay for what you’re eating yourselves. Jesus, man, the pussy can’t be THAT good.
I’ll second this. While I’ve certainly never been in this situation, it’s a common strategy with friends. Actually I pushed this strategy when I started earning more, started loosening up and splurging more, and didn’t want to burden my friends
If expectations were set ahead of time, this sounds like a lot of fun.
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I very much doubt this will make things more manageable.
For someone who’s indecisive trying to hurry them along is counter productive, although getting her to look at the menu in advance might help.
Ordering for her is just going to put OP in harms way.
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Right. Make it worse to make it better?
Nah mate. This is more like “start a fight with your partner to discover whether she’s submissive”. You sound like a bit of a jerk TBH.
Maybe it would help if you had a heart-to-heart about why this is bothering you and (together) make a plan to tackle this. From your description, it seems like the occasional margarita is not really the issue but it’s the inconvenience to the staff, the embarrassment to you, and the costs that come with the dishes she orders. It might help to look at the menu online beforehand and decide on what you’re getting in advance. You could even pick out two dishes together, and you could share a few bites, if you’re okay with that. Her behavior seems to be at least a little compulsive, which is hard to get rid of but can be overcome with some practice.
I am going to parrot what others are asking - what part of this is the biggest problem? If it’s the expense, show her the bill. Tell her it bothers you that you don’t treat the restaurant experience the same. Ask about why she doesn’t like the canned options.
But you know - I don’t think she is capital W Wrong in her approach, especially if you only go out to eat rarely. If she wants a variety, could you just order a bunch of appetizers for the table and share? We usually order for the table in expensive places, not for ourselves, we go one item at a time and share it, and that’s one of the best things about the fancier restaurants. Or go to an Ethiopian place, they serve everything on one big injera for both of you.
Communication is the issue here I think - does she see it as “you are taking her out and want her to go indulge herself and enjoy” because going out to eat is entertainment and you see it as “I want to go out to eat because it’s convenient and you are taking away the one benefit of going out to eat”. And you are going to have to manage those competing desires in some way. I don’t think it needs to be crazy expensive if that’s what’s bothering you.
How do you cook and eat at home? I really like to cook and can make food as good as we get when we go out, but if I want convenience my husband gets us takeout from somewhere. A restaurant is more for the experience not just the food.
I feel like this is a discussion you need to actually have with her
You could say this to anyone posting in /c/offmychest
this community is here to kinda vent and figure out what’s up before you take that step.
It’s a really good response for most of these problems, but yeah, the point is to get it out of your system and perhaps gain some perspective.
Yeah but communication is the solution to any relationship type problem - usually the problem is people just don’t know what to communicate or how to communicate it.
I think you’re right, it’s foundational. I also think sometimes you gotta work out what you’re trying to communicate first, and talking about it with somebody else is a great way to go about it.
I guess I feel the implied end goal is to discuss it with the person in real life, but it’s not a bad thing to be explicit about it, too.
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Does she still do this when she’s the one paying the bill?
The important question
Is it possible she now feels like, “well we only go out like twice a year, this is a special treat, and I want to get exactly what I want!” (Mostly) Joking on that.
My only suggestion (that you didn’t ask for) is that if she can’t decide between a burger and tenders, maybe you get the burger and agree to split it with her getting the tenders. My husband and I do this (he doesn’t love it so we don’t do it often) but my sister and I always do it, that way we can get something healthy AND something indulgent
