Edit (Feel like i need to put this up top): Some of yall think I’m intent on being a deadbeat and that I was in the “100% never want to have kids” boat and reluctantly obliged. It was a much more careful calculation than that and I decided to do it on my own. That was just for contrxt to explain my hesitancy. We planned this shit to a T from start to finish. I’m not asking for anyone to ridicule me for “fucking up”. I’m asking for advice on the situation I’m in because there is no path backwards and I intend to be a baller dad regardless of how I feel about it. There are a lot of emotions you can easily force but this is not one of them. So all the dipshits telling me what I should have done before having this kid can eat a giant bag of used needles. That being said, thank you to all of the normal fucking people who can actually read a situation and offer helpful insight/advice instead of reverting to a bridge troll. I may not respond to all of the comments because of the volume but I am grateful for the support.
New dad of a 3wk old.
I always figured I’d have a kid(s) because…that’s what you do right? My wife pushed me for years and wanted 5 kids. I always said we should start with 1, so here we are. I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don’t have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don’t feel like that), not understanding what it means to be “happy”…stuff like that.
During pregnancy, I took on essentially all household chores and made her hot breakfast before she left for work every morning at 5am. I never felt some primal compulsion to do all of this but she was struggling and I wanted to do what I could. I kept saying to myself that the paternal instinct would kick in at some point and banked on that.
When the kid was born and I held him for the first time, I felt nothing. Figured it would happen in time. 3 weeks in, I’m still on overdrive, doing essentially all chores, changing/feeding him through the night, and still feeling nothing besides growing resentment. I’m not a monster so I won’t shake the kid or anything but I just feel no desire to do any of this. I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I’m not going to hurt this kid. I’m not a violent person).
The only pressure I feel to keep going is to not get arrested for neglect, and so my family/friends/colleagues dont think im a giant piece of shit. I feel no compulsion out of love for this child. I’ve had no “my whole world changed and I’d die for this kid” moment other than the fact that people would be real upset with me if I didn’t die for him.
My wife has been struggling and I’m trying to get her to seek additional help (already sees therapist every 2 weeks) but she frequently spirals into a place where she feels like she can’t do it or feels like a failure for not doing enough or direct breast feeding because he wouldn’t stay awake while feeding (she’s pumping like a champ. Our freezer has a gallon of milk already and im constantly playing up her wins). I keep doing what I can to calm her fears and anxieties which aren’t specifically new but now have new context. I feel like if I break down at all, she won’t be able to handle it and I have to constantly keep the mood/morale up because if I don’t, everything will go to even deeper shit. She’s the one who wanted 5 kids and I’m now the one holding it together for us. I feel like the TikTok/Instagram virus tricked her into thinking that motherhood was all beautiful flowers and spending quality time with her perfect baby but it’s a lot of gross shit and hard work from recovery to breast feeding/pumping and diapers (although I’m changing 90% of the diapers). I was not nieve to any of this. I knew what it entailed.
Anyway, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever feel any compulsion to keep going like I am aside from legal and societal pressure. I can figure it out if it will never happen, but it would make things a whole lot easier if it did. I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it’s a job and I hate my job even though I’m killing it in the effort game. Literally the only good thing so far is that my mom is over the moon about the kid and it’s the first time I’ve seen her happy since my dad died 2 yrs ago.
There’s nothing wrong with not feeling some life changing experience when holding your child. Some people do, some don’t and it is a bit overplayed by people.
Taking care of a baby is hard work and tiring. It can be overwhelming for first time parents and I recommend you talk with your wife about it and look into sharing the workload better so you can both get some time for yourselves, you could also ask your mother or other family members to help watch the kid so you and your wife can get a night out and relax. It will help a lot.
As for the other feelings I would honestly advise you to look into getting some professional help if possible. You can talk to your GP about it and they they can advise you on what to do or recommend you to specialized help.
But yea, hang in there, it gets better and as the kid grows they will be able to take care of themselves more and your workload will get lower. Though I have to warn you that if you build resentment for them they will pick it up at some point and they will be crushed. It shatters my heart to see kid suffer like that.
Yeah. Definitely trying to quell at least the outward if not inward resentment. I don’t hate the kid, I just have no “natural feelings” from what I’m reading, by 3-6 months when they start to resemble a person, it gets better, so I guess I’ll bank on that for now
I think everyone has their own age group that they bond with the most. For me, I LOVE little puddle babies, so I had kind of an easy go of it. Changing the diaper and bottle feeding? Sick. Naps and tummy time? Fuckin sold. C’mere, kid, we’re going to chill and play vidya. I think the best advice I can offer is that you’ll generally find more of what you seek-- go fishing with magnets, don’t be surprised to get metal instead of fish, etc. Try to make the best of it whenever you can, try to find the joy in it wherever possible, and try to play. Kids, even babies, will surprise you with the ways they can find to play, if you give them the chance.
As for the state of the world, my kids have motivated me to get into local politics to try and leave them a better world than what I inherited. And if all else fails, well, one can always re-evaluate their political strategy once their dependents are less dependent.
If somebody doesn’t want kids, they should never let anyone talk them into it.
I don’t want kids and I always get weird looks from family and friends but I don’t care.
Situation in the world is terrible and on top of that I know that I wouldn’t be a good parent.
From what I read your wife suffers from depression, correct? From what I read between the lines, she already did before she got pregnant, correct?
And considering how experienced you seem with taking over and keeping everything together, that’s probably what you have been doing for years already?
That’s quite a common pattern, and it’s one that can only remain stable for a certain amount of time. She’s depending a lot on you, you pick up the slack and carry her burden. That works well without kids when the only responsibilities are to spend enough time at work, but it becomes very troublesome with a small kid, where the workload is too much even for two fully-functioning adults.
This can drive you in a kind of caregiver burnout. You go beyond your limits for too long, and after some time you just don’t have the power to continue that way and smile through it. Depression spreads and good things diminish. That’s at least what I read between your lines.
This is the point where you need to get help. Find a better distribution of work with your wife. Rope in relatives (your mom seems to be invested) and get them to help you out, especially in these crucial first few months.
Pumping milk means that the baby isn’t necessarily tethered to your wife, so you can also get your mom to watch the kid for an evening or so, so that you two can get some rest.
Considering getting therapy yourself.
Try to recover before you burn out completely.
As for the feelings towards your child, don’t force it, give it time.
Within the first three weeks, I ended up in the hospital from neglecting myself. The stress was insane. I didn’t sleep more than a few hours.
So I learned two things. First, it does get better. Second, take care of yourself or you can’t take care of the kid.
Also, stop doing chores. If it isn’t necessary to live, it isn’t necessary to do.
Can’t emphasize this enough. After our first, we ended up basically living almost entirely in the bedroom for six months.
I’m with you dude. it does get better in many ways. it gets worse in some others.
my advice, get medicated for anxiety and/or depression.
it sounds like you’re both going through a pretty rough time and need some time to breathe. lean on your support for some time alone with your wife to find your confidence together as a couple.
communicate your needs to each other clearly and respectfully. you both can’t do it alone and will need to do this together.
- take each day at a time
- it’s ok to put the baby down in the crib and step away for a minute if you’re feeling overwhelmed
- share how you’re feeling with your wife, you’re a team after all
- you will fuck up, accept it, you’re human and it comes with the territory
- don’t try to be a “super dad/mom”, they don’t exist and anyone who says otherwise is lying
First, get some help. If your mom can come and just do something, anything then you’ll have a moment to breathe.
The first three weeks are the absolute hardest. Its not that things get magically easier, just everyone involved levels up. It gets easier again at 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months and then their personality really starts to shine.
I felt something right away. Definitely peak experience. But I don’t think it helped with the difficulty of the first three weeks. What did help is the in-laws coming for a couple of weeks after the first month.
By month three, sleep was still an issue, but things were much, much easier.
Get help. Get a meal train. Prioritize and let the less important things go.
The number one piece of advice a number of dads have given me is: if you don’t want kids, don’t have kids. I would add to this: if you don’t feel ready for kids, don’t have kids. And your situation is exactly why this advice applies.
I recommend leaning on your social networks for help with childcare. Your mom likes the baby? Great! She can take care of them 2 nights per week while you catch up on everything and find some sanity.
Your wife forced you to have a baby. Force her to seek more help. Recruit her friends and family if you need to. She wanted this, but you are doing all the work. She needs to get her shit together so she can help out.
Sorry dude, but you’ve basically blown up your life for the next decade. If you don’t really like the kid by then, probably the best case is to get a divorce and bounce. Pay child support. Take the kid in a cool trip once per year. Then you can live the life you want, and the kid won’t go through puberty with a dad who resents them around all the time.
No, men don’t even like their babies for the first three months. Mothers have already had 9 months to bond with the baby.
men don’t even like their babies for the first three months
That’s a gross generalization and simply untrue.
That’s a gross generalization and what I said is true.
It’s okay. Some people are too dumb and confident to have actual conversations with.
my dude! It’s just been 3 weeks! You easily have another 6 months or more of bad sleep. But seriously, did you have mental problems before the kid because it sounds you have some problems.
Also, for real, your wife is doing all the really heavy lifting here. She just had a kid. Her body is still a trauma zone! She possibly has post partum which is a very serious condition.
Chill. It gets much better after the first 9 months to a year. Once they start sleeping all night and stop nursing.
Step up. Get your sh1t together and push through the next year. Stop being a selfish spoil ass facker
Bonding happens over time no worries. But do try to relax a little more. When all you have is stress you cannot possibly enjoy the experience. Also thinking of the kid as a little you makes sense.
Dad to dad, you’ll feel the bond when the kid becomes more interactive and rational. Moms can connect that little blob with no problem. It’s tougher for dads, at first. It all balances out though. What you are feeling is normal. Just stick with it and don’t cheat on your wife.
It’s not so much of a dad-vs-mom thing, tbh.
For me it was super easy to connect to our kids especially when they were tiny. I loved carrying them around all the time, the cuddling, them being as cute as they are. My wife really hated being touched all the time and she couldn’t connect with them at all in the beginning, especially with our second one.
I started having more and more trouble with the kids when they got old enough to have a mind of their own, especially with our first kid who was and is much more than just a handful. My wife gets along much better with the kids once they are able to talk and able to take more care of themselves.
Some people just connect with the small ones better, some can handle them better when they get bigger. Some then start having issues with them in puberty, while some really manage to connect at that time. It’s not a gender thing at all.
Thank you for that perspective, it is comforting to hear.
I don’t know if it’s all dads, but that is exactly my experience. Once I could have a proper relationship through words, I really felt like a proper dad. But that took until she was closer to 4. Like I loved her, but it was definitely slow growth.
3 weeks in, I absolutely wasn’t feeling it, and was worried I’d gotten myself into something I shouldn’t have. Lots of doubts for sure.
I don’t think people talk about it very much because it sounds like “I didn’t love my kid right away.” However, I believe that it is pretty common based on these types of conversations. There is an unrealistic expectation that fathers bond with these little, uninteresting blobs at first sight and I just don’t think that’s how it works.
Just chiming in real quick, don’t have much time to write, i’m a father of 2.
It gets better my dear stranger. It actualy gets only better and better, it still amazes me.
3 weeks is just really the hardest part. But you have dedication (kudos on the breakfasts in bed) and you are not a violent person (how many times I have wanted to rip their head off lol) so you are already a great parent.
Parenting is just gross shit and hard work, but that’s what we do, so let’s do it really well. We owe it to ourselves. Keep on keeping on
Dad of two boys here. My wife and I luckily had kids when I was in my late 20s/early 30s. When I look back on it now, I don’t think I could ever do the grind we did when they were babies. I remember showing up at work one day and I had only shaved the right half of my face because I was so sleep deprived. My wife and I would take turns getting up at night to feed our sons. At one point at like 3am I was burping my son on my shoulder and he threw up all over my back.
This might sound like doom and gloom, but trust me, it gets better. Your kiddo will blow your mind when you least expect it. They’ll say and do things that will catch you completely off guard and it’ll stick with you for the rest of your life. The first 6 months are going to be rough, but it gets better. Hang in there.
It gets easier. The first 3 months are absolutely terrible.
