Serious question. Im new to posting, so if Im doing this wrong please let me know 🙂
I am in my 30s and the door is closing on the potential to have a child, which my partner and I do want. The only problem is finances. We live quite alright at the moment. My career is finally feeling like a career, but my research has shown that whichever parent stays home with kiddo (and one of us would, daycare costs suck) ends up with a nerfed career should they try to return to work after the kid is school aged. And 100% we’d want to be able to pay someone to help here and there. Just dealing with home repair, older vehicles, and no parents who live close means we definitely would need a break here and there… and it would be nice to be able to afford that to have a date night here and there. Add to that all the scaries of pregnancy (potential death, permanant incontinence risk, changed body, list goes on) and the world we’re currently in and… you get it.
On the flip side. Tons of folks are childfree, so there wouldn’t be any shortage of people willing to travel and stay up late on weekends alongside us. We could prioritize fun, including… drum roll please… my lifelong dream of having a horse. We don’t own land, so costs would go to a boarding facility, a vehicle that can tow a trailer, and care/training for the beast. Id never have tk wonder if I have enough time and money to care for both a kiddo and a horse.
Now, I get that this may read like I’ve already made up my mind. I love the idea of having a child, sharing the world with them, watching them grow into their own person. My partner would be a stable and fantastic parent. But the cons against it feel real. Can I ask for opinions? I am particularly interested in the pro-child ones. Thanks!
Tldr: pros and cons of having kid vs horse seem unfairly stacked. Help lmao.
Edit: Thank you everyone for your replies! I enjoyed reading them. I think a few people took the question too literally and/or believed I would really base such a huge decision on the opinion of internet strangers. That is not true. I did appreciate all the perspectives, however. The horse I refer to would be a real horse, but it also refers to all the other things in life a child free existence has brought those who live that lifestyle.
Barring extreme circumstances, we actually already have decided to have children. I REALIZE THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL DECISION. Each individual must decide for themselves what seems best for them personally. Our friend group is incredibly child free for various reasons, all of which are good reasons that I respect and Im happy for them that they are resolute in their choices. All are lovely around kids. They just knew or decided parenthood wasn’t what they wanted for themselves, and that’s ok.
Just for funsies - Reasons I’m Ambivalent about the Horse:
Without owning land for a horse, boarding sucks and there are always other options. I have connections to take a riding lesson here or there if the horsey itch ever arose, for instance. It is much cheaper to volunteer and take lessons or lease a horse. That and, yes, the horse care never ends and it remains a horse. I’ve been to rescues where amazing horses are surrendered without a second thought because they became too old or ill to ride, and the owner didn’t want an animal around costing money they couldn’t ride. Sad. Meanwhile, a child will learn, grow, and eventually become a full fledged human being if all goes well.
I know the world looks like its headed in a terrible direction sometimes, but I also believe it’s good to have people who care to have children that they want to raise as good and caring individuals. Biology tells us (or society does) to have kids and so we do, but I also think no one should have a child if they aren’t ready to care for them. So many kids are born to parents who end up ill equipped to have them. Regret is frowned upon in parenting circles, but absolutely exists. Our children will never be saddled with such burdens. To piggyback onto this…
I do disagree with those who say if youre questioning whether to have kids, don’t have them. Questioning is a great way to consider new angles and ways of thinking you might not have bothered examining before.
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I think horses are FAR more expensive than you think they are.
Yes, but it’s awfully difficult to ride a child.
GOP is sure its possible
the collective internet: DON’T SAY IT! ZetaLightning94: …hehe
Kids are also not cheap.
I’d be shocked if they had done no research at all.
This is just my opinion and personal experience, but people that really want a child don’t really debate with themselves over whether they should have a child or a pet. Yea, it’s a big, expensive, and rideable pet, but that seems to be what it boils down to. Based on that, I’m feeling that you don’t want a kid.
Imagine your future child reads this vapid post. How would they feel, their entire existence and your responsibility for raising them into functional adults set against a fucking horse?
This is the right answer. If you really wanted child(ren), you’d have done it already without asking random internet people.
Don’t listen to the FOMO, you already know the answer. Close that door and open a different one.
I have kids and I love them so much, but I have had to give up a lot for them. I will never burden them with my struggles or sacrifices, I made the choice to have them, they didn’t.
If you are willing to trade a lot of time, money, more time, more money, some sanity and all if your patience, without thinking twice, you want a family. Also, if you and your spouse are emotionally unstable or unwell, you are going to put that into a child’s life. Not everyone who can have a family should have one.
One of mine is disabled. It is a LOT. I don’t know that he will ever have a normal life. Are you OK to potentially care for one of them for the rest of your life?
There is NOTHING wrong with a child free life. Most people don’t consciously choose a family, they just follow a very powerful instinct, having kids doesn’t make someone special.
One of mine is disabled. It is a LOT. I don’t know that he will ever have a normal life. Are you OK to potentially care for one of them for the rest of your life?
Bruh, I have depression and my mother is already treating me like I have a disability and a “useless eater” and “burden to society” even though I helped her with her small bussiness, and now they threatened to leave me with none of their assets (as in like inheritance) and giving it all to my older brother.
Jesus christ lol, I wish my soul got incarnated into a different family, wtf is this?!?
Just buy it yourself. Don’t make a kid do it.
We have twins, they’re nearly 2.
IDK about the career angle. Would taking a year or 2 off in your thirties meaningfully effect your trajectory? You and your partner could alternate, you take a few years off, then he does. Or you could both go part time. Are there other ways you can stay connected to your industry? Additional study?
Statistically caring for a child may not be a good career move, but I suspect a large part of that is that having a child changes your priorities. Your career might take second place, not because it has to, but because you’re far more interested in hanging out with your kid.
Paying someone for help is a nice idea but it didn’t really work for us. We had 2x au pairs for a while, paid minders to help out on weekends et cetera. Here day care is heavily subsidised. They started that when they were about 15 months, 3 days a week. That has been a game changer obviously.
We’ve never done date night per se. We do family outings several times a week. We both make sure the other gets a few hours off every few days. I’m not saying this is “the right way”, some cracks in our relationship have definitely appeared and developed over the last several years. We just wake up every day and do whatever needs to be done.
I’m just not interested in Horses so I just can’t comment on that. I’m really into bikes though. I bought an epic e-bike powerful enough to haul my kids around in this trailer thing. They love it. I love it. It was financially reckless, cost about 9 weeks average wage, but I don’t regret the purchase. I will say though, you should talk to someone who has a horse and pays for all the things. For me the novelty would def wear off super quick.
The thing that I find striking about your post is the analysis. We didn’t analyse the decision to have kids. It was just something we wanted to do. We didn’t have answers for all the questions, or even bother to ask those questions, because literally every one of my ancestors has just gotten pregnant and figured the rest out day by day.
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I hear they’re both pretty expensive.
You can’t ride a child nor make glue if it breaks a leg.
Unless you have unlimited wealth I wouldn’t go with a horse unless you can board it yourself. Otherwise you’re just leasing and will miss out on most of the bonding that makes up a large part of the horse relationship. It’s all the cost and then some for a third of the reward.
The pros/cons seem stacked because they are. This is coming from my perspective of someone who has chosen not to have children, but has friends who have.
It’s not something you can really pro/con to make the “right” choice. You have to want to do it in spite of it changing your relationship, your body, your lifestyle, your everything. In some ways better, some worse. Some changes will evolve or ebb and flow with the seasons of life, and some will just be permanent.
I know that I can’t handle all that uncertainty, all that change. And while I also never really had the desire to raise and shape a child, as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that I get to have those moments. In doses I can handle and without sacrifices, because they are not my kids. I’m an auntie (biological and chosen). I have plenty of friends with kids (and plenty without). I feel like I get the best of both worlds.
Imagine your life in both scenarios. What brings you the most joy?
I feel like you shouldn’t be solely relying on other people’s opinions for important life decisions.
Because the thing is: You ask the internet and 99% will tell you “don’t have a child”, you ask friends and relatives IRL and they 90% will say “yes have a child”, but like… you won’t end up living your own life, you are just walking down a path someone else chose for you
They’re not necessarily solely relying on other peoples opinions, just interested in other peoples perspectives.
Yeah, I would argue that expanding one’s perspective on matters as important as a decision like this, should almost be mandatory.
Asking for fresh eyes and different points of view on any bigger decision is to be encouraged in my opinion. Making big decisions based on intuition and one’s own limited perspective and feelings is bound to be less well informed and as such, more likely to backfire or turn out bad.
Ask questions. Ask opinions. There will always be people telling you to be your own self and not just follow what others say, but broadening perspectives is not following others or lacking own agency/will, it’s the very opposite. It is what helps one have a healthy starting point to make their own decisions.
I’m not sure why some people just feel the urge to assume anyone asking for second opinions or just thoughts on a matter in general is doing it because they lack their own opinion or free will, but here in the internet, they are depressingly many.
People are complex. Life is chaotic. Everything is riddled with unique situational details and it’s impossible for anyone to navigate that alone. It’s only natural to want a better understanding and perspective on any important issues. It’s to be wholeheartedly encouraged. Not reduced to a stereotype of a puppet with no own free will or agency. That’s just a sad, self-important and vain need for some people to appear somehow more independent and intelligent than the rest of us. Don’t pay no mind to them. Thirst for the knowledge and understanding and the expansion of your perspective.
Finally a good use for the decoration I hung up my place some years ago!
No kids and a horse atm. Take your money and invest it in yourselves. Horses and kids are expensive as fuck
Reject tradition. Embrace horse.
Seriously, it sounds like you don’t have the financial slack to raise a child without making yourself miserable. You know what makes kids miserable? Having miserable parents. Sure, if you saw kids as your one and only purpose in life that you would do anything for, then you could totally have kids. But lacking that commitment, and significant financial means, and a robust social support system, the most likely outcome is that you will spend the next decade and a half absolutely haggard and thinking about how you should have just got a horse.
Otoh, my actual recommendation is to have neither a child nor a horse, and instead use the extra money to give yourself a more robust financial safety net. Iirc, you can volunteer time at stables to get horse time for free.
Please don’t have a child if you are really considering this.
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Buy a horse.
