I mean guys are socially conditioned to feel inferior and less worthwhile as men for that kind of thing, I try not to hold it against folks as long as they’re kind and choose to act in support
It takes some people a looong time to unlearn that internalized rubric. Sometimes it even takes gay guys a long time to unlearn it
I used to get accusations of being gay a lot because I had a lot of friends that happened to be women and I didn’t constantly sexually harass them or whatever.
I’d say “because I’m stylish and I work out?” (Context: I’m fat and wear jeans and graphic tees year round)
A gay dude hit on me and I was super flattered. I told him that he looked good too without saying “No Homo”
+1 ally points
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I’d be interested to know why they thought that too. Not sure why that’s a bad thing
I’d smile and be flattered initially and then I also would ask why. Isn’t seeking to understand, a natural thing to do? We ask why about lots of things and it isn’t an issue. I bet they asked themselves that question too cuz it means their gaydar sucks.
I was 5’5", shy, nerdy, never had a girlfriend, and got asked if I was gay a lot. Then for unrelated reasons, I as an adult actually did transition to female and even married a guy. The same types that bullied me for being effeminate as a kid now tell me I’ll never be a real woman.
This was my life in the early 90’s the gay clubs had better music and women felt safer there. Many girlfriends started off by them saying “too bad your gay other wise we would be fucking.”
No.
did women read in cosmo that inferring a guy is gay makes a good pickup line? or do I just look gay? Shit is confusing AF, but I suspect the former.
If lots of women are asking if you’re gay, it means you appear gay. Probably less so in your literal appearance (if you aren’t aware of it) and more in your patterns of speach and behavior.
Oh my god it’s the funniest thing. I know this far-right guy, super homophobic and transphobic, who talks and gestures like the campiest gay man you’ve ever seen. I don’t mean campy like IRL campy. I mean literally cartoon campy. I’m talking full-blown Family Guy gay stereotype campy.
Why is this okay because they are straight? Imagine saying you thought your Trans friend was a man, when they are trying to present as a woman.
These kind of tests are so toxic, and serve nothing but to spark an argument and hurt feelings.
You are part of the problem.
Shit, you’re right. Without allies like you, how would we learn and grow? Thank you for your insights.
Not an ally, Im a member bitch. And this aint okay
I’m glad you understood the point so well. I’m so glad you’re here.
Crappy comparison…
I don’t see how those two are related at all and honestly treating them as interchangeable is… cringe.
There is no harm in suggesting you thought someone was gay or straight, especially because sexuality has nothing to do with outward appearance and can be kinda nebulous to infer at all. If you’re not comfortable with the idea of being lgbt+, how are you an ally? Nothing differentiates a gay man from a straight one, outside of attraction to other men.
Whereas so much of trans struggles and validity relate to how they’re/we’re perceived. Do I pass enough to shit in the restroom that conforms to my identity?
As someone agender this entire thread is wild to me. I accept any gender, any pronouns, and do not care how people percieve me. None of this seems offensive to me, whether people thought i was trans or gay or whatever. Pretty sure the offense is mostly just whether offense was intended.
Pretty sure the offense is mostly just whether offense was intended.
I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but since I read this sentence I understand why I dislike this suggestion. Saying something to your friend to see if they’ll be uncomfortable is intending offense, imo. You should be kind to your friends and not give them shit tests, or else just don’t be friends with them anymore. It honestly feels like OOP is suggesting your straight friend isn’t really your friend, but a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
What do you mean there’s no harm? People still get killed for being gay, yeah?
Irrelevant to the discussion at hand
The premise of this post of an openly gay person talking to their straight friend/acquaintance. Pretty sure it’s fairly safe to assume that this isn’t set in Uganda or Saudi Arabia. And even in the deepest fucking south of the USA, no straight person is getting hate crimed because one time their gay friend called them gay as a stupid bit.
Pretending this is relevant to the discussion is disengenous.
So you think there isn’t a lot of extremely toxic male culture that will make men feel invalid for not being perceived as straight? Because that shits everywhere. It’s perfectly normal to struggle with that, feeling insecure about your self image has nothing to do with your support of others.
And insecurities can come from very personal things and no one should be judged for them. Lying about how you perceived someone as a “test” is toxic as fuck.
Yeah, it’s bad to ask if your friends are comfortable being viewed as gay because they might have insecurities from toxic masculinity 🙄🙄🙄
So you think the amount of toxic male culture making men feel invalid for not being masculine enough is comparable the current level of toxicity, discrimination and legal persecution that is making trans people feel invalid ?
I also explicitly, at several occasions and in several comments pointed out that I fully agree that it’s toxic and dick move to call straight people gay as some kind of test, so the fact that everyone repeatedly keeps arguing against me with a position that I’ve literally explicitly agreed with several times, sure seems very indicative of you guys not actually bothering to read or understand my comments.
My sole argument has been not that it’s fine to call straight people gay, merely that whilst being toxic, it’s not remotely comparable to the level of toxicity of deliberately misgendering a trans person, and it’s demeaning and disrespectful towards the very real struggles of trans people to compare the two to each other.
Despite dozens of downvotes and replies, literally not a single person has yet replied to, countered, or even acknowledged this explicitly stated stance of mine. All the replies and downvotes are coming from the POV of me supposedly having said that it’s perfectly fine and acceptable to call straight people gay.
I disagree about it not being remotely comparable. There’s little doubt that on average it’s gonna be far worse to misgender a transperson in that way (though “i thought you were x when i first met you” isn’t really misgendering either since it’s explicitly saying they’re not that, but w/e we all know what we’re talking about here) since there’s a very high chance they have some degree of trauma associated with it.
But I think in individual cases the “i thought you were gay” can be just as bad, so I do think it’s entirely comparable. I think it’s important to also think about the worst effect it could have, and it’s such an unnecessary action that both cases are just toxic and never a good thing. (And ofc both can also be fine if it’s clear everyones comfortable with it, and that’s more likely in the gay case, but hopefully that’s obvious)
So of according to you, if there is a single guy on earth who gets just as upset from being called “doofus” as a black person from being called the N-Word, that in your mind makes calling someone a doofus and calling a black person the N-Word comparable ?
Did you skip over the part of it being completely unnecessary? Insults are a part of human communication, you can’t just erase them, so of course it makes sense to classify some as worse than others. It’s a fundamental part of insults even.
You literally just argued, verbatim, that because being called gay in isolated cases can be just as bad as a trans person being misgendered, that makes deliberately misgendering and calling someone gay comparable.
That was your verbatim argument. And you’ve suddenly moved the goal posts to “of course it makes sense to classify some as worse than others”
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Yeah, calling a straight person gay as a joke/bit is not even remotely comparable to deliberately misgendering a trans person, and it’s kinda crass and disgusting to pretend it is. Screams to me that you don’t actually know any trans people, or at least no closely enough to understand how devastating such a comment can be to them.
Straight people, with very few, if any, exceptions, didn’t grow up being told they’re gay. Being forced by society to express themselves as gay, even though it made them feel awful. They didn’t spend potentially decades feeling unwelcome in their own skin. They don’t spend hours upon hours worrying that society won’t accept than as “a real straight”. They don’t spend days worrying about the hate crime, discrimination and legal persecution they are susceptible to if they don’t look straight enough. Triggering that level of trauma isn’t the same as making someone slightly uncomfortable because they found out they unknowingly didn’t express their outward sexuality as strongly as they felt. It isn’t remotely, on any level, comparable, and that is an objective truth.
I am also notably not defending calling straight people gay. I’m just pointing out that deliberately misgendering a trans person is on a completely different plane of shitty behaviours. Not every shitty behaviour is automatically equally shitty.
Classic straight people. You’re just completely unwilling accept that some mildly crappy behaviour towards you isn’t universally described as the worst behaviour ever. I bet you people also think that calling a white person a cracker is exactly the same as calling a black person the N-Word.
I used to work at a tech repair shop right next to a big lbgtq hub in my city and there’d be gays guys in there a couple times a day who thought I was gay. Never once did I find it offensive, everyone in there always had the best outfits that look like they had a professional stylist, the most clear skin I’ve ever seen and the confidence of an alligator in a chicken coop. I know that’s kind of a stereotype but that’s exactly what it was and I would love getting lumped in with the group.
The tips there we’re a lot better than the other spots in the city too, no fights, the store only got robbed once in the 3 years I worked there and the customers weren’t dickheads who’d walk in, throw their broken phone on the counter (breaking it more) and say “fix this” without saying another word. It really was a decent spot to work.
I physically can not be gay. I instinctively chew anything that is in my mouth for more than ten seconds.
Fucking hamsters writing comments on Lemmy
A lot of people thought I was gay my answer was always “Yeah, I get that a lot, not sure why though.”
Is it because you’re gay?
Nope
“is it because I’m fabulous?” ✨ 🌈😻😘
I mean yes but no. I think a lot of gay people would also react poorly if you called them straight and thats why you shouldnt.
“Yeah, lots of people do. My parents did, too.”
I actually get this fairly frequently. I don’t read as terribly cis, but I am.
I used to get it a lot when I was young because I didn’t have a girlfriend. I was always like “…Yeah it’s not because I’m 5’3, shy as fuck, got the shit bullied out of me at school for 6 years straight, and don’t go to social activities, I’m just gay…” Assholes.
My life as a cis male massage therapist
