I don’t really know who to talk to right now and posting here seems a good idea.
So, like the title says, I think my marriage is over. For context: Me (F42) and my wife have been married for 9 years. We got married not even a year into our relationship and I had no idea back then that I had ADHD. Did we get married too soon? Yes and no. The problems didn’t really start until around year 5, so even if we had gotten married after, say, three years, the outcome would have been the same.
Around two and a half years ago my wife suggested that I may have ADHD after things had started getting worse and worse. But although I was open to the idea it took me a year to get off my butt and get diagnosed and start treatment. Precious time that I wasted.
Now I’ve been on meds for a year and in therapy for around 9 months. Some things have gotten better but the core problem remains: My wife feels responsible for everything, is shouldering pretty much all the mental load and I seem to be unable to become the reliable adult partner that she needs. ADHD or the way I handle it has completely eroded our marriage and the love we had between us. My wife feels exhausted and trapped and I feel helpless because I feel like I maybe moved up a level or two in my “adulting skills” but I’d need to be a Level 10 to make our marriage work. Or make any marriage work, for that matter.
I feel extremely sad. I feel sad about the suffering I have caused my wife, who really tried to stick it out. Probably longer than she should have for her own good. Sad because I’ve been trying really hard and I see some people who have ADHD but who also seem to have an “overachiever personality” and they have their shit together so much more than I do. Sad because I wasted a whole year doing nothing. Sad because we used to be so happy together and used to love each other so much and now all that seems to be left is bitterness and resentment.
😢
Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who has has already commented and shared kind words with me.
My wife and I have been going over this many many times. I know what she needs and I am trying and a feel fucking sad about the fact that, maybe, we just can’t make it work. But I also realize I’m starting to reach a point where being on my own is beginning to sound liberating. I’ve never had a problem with being single and I feel like at least then there isn’t anyone I can disappoint anymore. It’s just me and if I fuck up the only person having to face the consequences is me.
I just feel really bad because I feel I have cost my wife so much. She would have wanted to have kids and I’ve always been on the fence about it. I used to absolutely not want to have kids when we met, then kinda came around to the idea (when you’re super in love it does become a kinda wonderful idea) but then gradually starting feeling more and more uncertain. And now I’m at a point where, regardless of whether or not I want to have kids (I don’t have a desire to have them but could imagine having them) I don’t think I’m capable of raising kids. If we had broken up sooner my wife might have had a better chance at having kids with someone else.
I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been feeling awful myself. I feel like I’m under constant pressure because I want to “prove myself” and the more I worry about fucking up the more tense I get. The best moment of the day is when I go to bed because then I don’t have to do anything for the next 8 hours, just rest and sleep. Can’t mistakey if not awakey :P
And our relationship has been deteriorating for so long and we’ve both become so fed up with each other. My wife is fed up with me because I’m not who she needs me to be and I’m fed up with her because I feel like even if I try to manage something myself, take care of something myself, I don’t do it the right way. Sometimes it really isn’t (last week I almost set the oven on fire) but sometimes it’s just a minor thing.
Maybe, as sad as it is, we’re better off apart and would be happier on own own / with someone else.
I’m sorry to hear you’re in your position. Failing marriages are always awful, and when it’s caused by disability it can be that much more uncomfortable.
And I’ll say that, I relate a lot more to you in this situation. I could never marry someone who needs me to function like I don’t have adhd, which is why I married someone who’s more like us. I knew what I was getting into and so did she and the loads we share are built on the reasonable expectations we always had, like that things won’t always be as clean as we might like them to be and that dinner plans are subject to how much effort we have the capacity to put in at the time.
Keep working on your mental health, and show yourself kindness and forgiveness. Not only do you deserve such things, they’re also the most effective tools you can get to help you improve your ability to function outside of pharmaceuticals
Thank you <3 I don’t think my wife necessarily wants me to function like I don’t have adhd but I still often have a shitty way of handling it when I fuck up.
Yeah reading your comments in here, idk how you wouldn’t. You sound like you have deep seated self esteem issues especially pertaining to your adhd. I’d even hazard a guess and say you likely have trauma relating to it and how people have responded to it in you. You aren’t alone in this, and I’m calling it out because I’ve struggled with both of these things my entire adult life.
So believe me when I assure you that you cannot resent yourself enough to be better. If it worked it would have worked by now. ADHD is tricky, and you have to learn to be cunning towards it. Charging at the executive dysfunction head on just results in tiring yourself out and resenting yourself further because you couldn’t do what neutotypicals can.
You have a disability, and from the sounds of it you’ve gone a long time without getting much support for it. You’ll probably never function as well as neurotypicals would like, and some of the tasks you’ve described are ones that I struggle with too (my wife and I will ask each other to remind us to do a thing for a 20% chance either remembers). But there is hope for you as a functioning adult and even hope for you to have a happy and mutually satisfying marriage, whether or not your current marriage can be salvaged. But it begins with you pursuing treatment, help, and new strategies not because your wife deserves or needs it, but because you deserve the ability to function better.
Yeah, I’ve been suffering from depression for around 1,5 years and am currently on antidepressants in addition to my adhd meds. Looking back on my life I can see how ADHD has always been there but I also think that my interpersonal relationships suffered as badly as they could have. I think I was often lucky. For example, I lost my first “proper job” because I kept forgetting important things. But regardless of that my boss liked me on a personal level, suggested that this job just wasn’t for me and when I got a job at the same place but a different department we still got along great.
But my relationship with my wife had only been my second proper relationship and my first true long-term relationship and I feel like my ADHD was a ticking timebomb and when it went off it shattered everything.
I was in a similar boat. We made it two weeks shy of our 13th wedding anniversary. It sucked, and Im sorry you have to go through it too. I don’t have any advice that you’ve probably not already gotten, but maybe I can offer you some perspective.
My ex was the one who shouldered the responsibility, finances, and planning of everything. In hindsight I believe she resented me for it; not that I blame her. So when I loved out, I had to start taking responsibility for myself (and my kids when I have them). I had to, for multiple reasons:
- I was now single
- I don’t have family to fall back on
- I didn’t (and still don’t) want to give her any reason to think I’m incapable of taking care of my kids (i.e. fear)
- I’m a role model to my kids
I could go on, but the point I am trying to make is that I found my motivation (albeit too late for my marriage) for taking things into my own hands and becoming self sufficient.
Am I perfect? Nope. Do I still need help sometimes? Yep, and sometimes I will involve my ex (because I still don’t have family of my own). She doesn’t mind as much anymore; I also offer to help her too. It’s about the baby steps.
I want to be perfectly crystal clear: in no way am I suggesting that you are to blame! Let me reiterate: you are not to blame, and neither is your wife. I just know that two people can very easily fall into a rut, and then one person feels like they are doing more than the other.
For me and my ex, I was depressed, burned out, and unmedicated for adhd. It took me almost a decade to realize this, and two and a half years to get a grip on it. And Im certain I still have a ways to go.
So please be patient and forgiving with yourself, and I genuinely wish you and your wife the best; whatever that looks like.
Thank you, I really appreciate your input.
I’ve been getting better at handling things, I think. I also realize that sometimes I’m so scared of fucking up that I don’t know what / how I should do something. But when I just do it without worrying so much it often works out. Maybe not in the most efficient way, maybe sometimes in a kinda complicated way, but often I do find a way.
I will keep trying my best and I know I will keep getting better at things. And if my marriage really is over then maybe we can both be happier than we are now.
It sounds like you’ve taken the hardest step of all: starting. So give yourself a huge pat on the back for that, because as you already admitted, starting something is hard af.
Thank you so much! Yeah I often forget that and only see all the things I haven’t achieved yet.
Sending a virtual hug your way!
Unless you live in northern Colorado and want a real hug from an internet stranger who may or may not be a weirdo.
As a fellow ADHDer with all three kids in the ADHD spectrum somewhere. Please know I’m rooting for you, think the best of you, and you are great just the way you are!
Thank you <3 No I don’t live in northern Colorado but virtual hugs are very much appreciated <3
You’re welcome 🫶🫶
It’s hard to lose a relationship, it’s even harder when you realise that you could have done better, but we are all growing and learning at our own pace and it is rarely beneficial to fault ourselves for not being better at a time that we did our best.
I am sorry for what you are going through, but I hope you can see that as hard as it is, you shouldn’t blame yourself for not having the skills that others have when you had struggles that others never did.
Thank you so much <3
Check out the Fever app for local date night ideas. I have found a few fun things like candlelight music, dining in the dark, escape rooms, etc.
Check out Everout for local things like comedy shows, book readings, events, night markets, and other things to do that sound interesting to you. Actually commit to going to one.
Write notes. It sounds corny, but it takes 5 minutes and means a lot, even if you’re a rambling mess. Tell her how much she means to you in physical writing.
Find a new meal recipe that sounds good to you. Make the food, get some wine, and ask her about something she is interested in. Listen attentively, and ask questions.
I struggle with ADHD as well. I am always thinking about something else. I am not an extrovert. These ideas are things you can do with your partner, or any new partner/friend. When it comes to whether you should separate, that’s something only you can decide. If you want to make it work, it does take effort - a relationship is a two way street, or a dance you can’t do apart.
Thank you, these are great ideas :) <3
I wish you the best <3
I also wanna say that I there’s overachievers but only on very narrow disciplines. On average, no one has their shit together and the more people look like it, the less they do. I hope you continue to learn about yourself and become happy again.
Someone already mentioned couples therapy, but I want to reinforce that. Yes, there are ADHD coping skills that you are personally working on. But if you’re both interested in improving your relationship, there are things that you can work on together (and many of them won’t be ADHD-related).
When you’re looking for a couples therapist, if you can find one that’s experienced with ADHD, that might be helpful.
One last thought. Sometimes when we have ADHD, we have some internalized ableism. I see some of that in your post: “took me a year to get off my butt,” “I wasted a whole year doing nothing.” Both of those statements imply you were “lazy.” Executive dysfunction can make simple tasks much harder. ADHD people often struggle with medical care. Things like finding a doctor, setting appointments (showing up on-time to an appointment), and getting prescriptions refilled can be huge hurdles. The key is to find systems and supports to help you handle those challenges.
Yeah I agree. There are things I need to personally work on but our relationship has been damaged so much, if (and that’s a big if) there’s still hope for a future together I think we will definitely need couples therapy to get us back to a place of mutual trust and joy.
Even if couples counseling doesn’t save your marriage, it could be the difference between a kind and loving break and an angry and resentful one. I definitely recommend it and regular counseling if you can.
Couples counseling, do it. Worst case scenario things still don’t work out and you divorce with the knowledge that you sincerely tried to repair things. Also you will have learned and grown from the experience. Best case scenario you both work through some difficult things with help and started repairing the relationship.
My guess is that both of you are exhausted. It is really hard to have optimism when don’t even have the energy for things you enjoy.
Did you get a diagnosis?
If not, it’s possible this is anxiety from the relationship in a bad feedback loop.
You seem to have some avoidance, she seems removed emotionally(exhaustion), and you both probably need to work on boundaries.
I don’t mean to project. My last relationship of 5 years is almost perfectly described by your post including seeking an ADHD diagnosis in therapy. In my case it turned out she was never able to be emotionally available to me in the first place. That drove her to be critical of me and not provide intimacy which in turn caused me to be in a constant increasing state of anxiety about what next thing will I have fucked up. Severe executive dysfunction…
Sending love and support this is such a painful thing to navigate 🫂
Thank you <3 <3 <3
Having read through the thread some more and reflected, I think a huge part of the issue is that people really don’t fully grasp how much of a disability ADHD is. I’m going through process of making peace with a different disability, and if I start seriously dating someone there’s no way someone could miss how big of an impact it would have on the relationship. I’m essentially nocturnal. My living space can’t have any windows. I wouldn’t really be able to sleep in bed with my partner because I sleep at the wrong time. Life with me would be radically different in many ways than with a different partner.
If someone starts dating someone in a wheelchair they intuitively grasp that there will be things that their partner can or can’t do that will change the way the relationship looks.
But ADHD doesn’t really get the same respect as a disability, and I feel like that makes it so easy for it to take both partners way too long to see how grave of an impact it can have.
Research has found that ADHD being untreated can reduce life expectancy by as much as 13 years. It’s absolutely a disability, and it’s easy even for us with ADHD to not really fully appreciate just how much it affects us.
That doesn’t change the fact that it has done damage to your relationship. But I do think it is worth having empathy for yourself. This is such a painful thing for both of you I am sure
Please take care of yourself my friend 🫂 I’m sorry that things are in such a painful place. I hope that there are good things in your future, regardless of what shape they may take.
Thank you so, so much. All the kind words I have received in these comments really mean so much to me.
I think by now my partner does grasp what having ADHD means. In the past she didn’t really know what it meant and thought that ok people were maybe a bit more chaotic or forgetful.
But she has realized that the way my brain works is just fundamentally different and sometimes incomprehensible to her. And she knows me having ADHD means she has to put up with some things in order to be together with me but it’s reached a point where there isn’t really any, or hardly any, happiness left. She feels completely drained and constantly on the edge of depression. We have completely fallen into the “child-parent-dynamic” and she says being married to me is like being married to a teenager. Or having a child without having a child. Which in turn, I guess it goes without saying, has also pretty much killed any romance or attraction between us.
Yeah, there’s no easy way to handle that. I don’t fault her for going in with that conception of ADHD, I think even as a person with ADHD myself I struggle to let myself acknowledge how much more deeply it affects me than “maybe a bit more chaotic or forgetful”.
It is deeply sad to see how much damage it has done to y’alls relationship.
I hope that you will consider therapy for yourselves, and perhaps also couple’s therapy so that, as another commenter suggested, you can at least try to end things amicably and with as much empathy for eachother as possible if things are at their end
Thank you <3
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. This is rough and I hope you and your wife both find a way through this.
Some thoughts from an internet stranger:
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Your ADHD is not your fault. You mentioned not doing anything about it for around a year: please remember that ADHD affects your executive function. Maybe you feel like you could have done something earlier, but that’s part of the cruelty of executive dysfunction: we rationalise the inactivity (“I was lazy”, “I couldn’t be bothered”, etc.) because that’s easier to understand than accepting that for whatever reason your brain just couldn’t go there. You’re doing something now and that’s what matters.
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Just because your relationship feels like it’s not good now, that doesn’t mean it can’t improve. It sounds like both of you are carrying a lot, and maybe for now the right thing is having space from each other. That’s sad, and feeling those feelings is valid and important. But that doesn’t mean the story is over for the both of you. Some other people here have mentioned couples therapy, and if that’s something you’re both interested in I’d also like to join in with recommending that.
Thank you so much, I appreciate it!
Yeah, I… I try to remind myself that I can’t change the past. I should have done something sooner but also I have ADHD and I don’t mean it as an excuse but that’s the whole problem with ADHD.
We definitely need space from each other right now and… I don’t know, I’m both incredibly sad but also if we really can’t make each other happy anymore than that’s a fact I need to accept.
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I feel like there are no bad guys here. Are you on meds yet? That helped my kids. I do sympathize most with your wife - you are going to have to do a lot of the stuff she’s doing for you now if you break up, so I can understand she is frustrated you won’t do it.
We divide labor in my house. Husband is more tight about cleaning, he doesn’t want mess. I don’t care as much, I do clean up but not in an organized way and certainly not to his standards. He does what he can, but importantly - we also have a cleaning lady come every second week because I know my limitations and it’s not fair to push all the cleaning off onto husband. He doesn’t cook, I do that, the gardening, the finances & tech stuff (cleaning up takes as much time as all of that together I think and I value so much not having to do as much of it) and we both work full time. Some stuff we put on auto-ship so neither of us have the mental load. Dog food, flea medicine, toilet paper, medicines. Anything where it can come at a regular frequency. He writes a lot of post it notes too & phone reminders - if you aren’t good at remembering, use timers and notes.
I know you are posting mostly to vent, and might not want suggestions so please just take this as it’s meant, some thoughts because your post resonates with me. I am sorry y’all are going through this, both of you.
Thank you, I appreciate your suggestions :) I’m on meds, yes, and I think it has helped a bit but not as much as I had hoped it would.
It sounds like your partner maybe suffering from anxiety issues. As a adhd’r myself I have to constantly defend my need to just let me do things the way I want. Like give me a goal and let me mess up a bit. Just need the space and time to figure out how I am going to do something my own way cause my experience isn’t typical and it becomes unintuitive for passerby who are trying to facilitate my progress. As a musician I also have become acutely sensitive to how long it takes me to learn an pickup new skills and how my alternative methods often allow me to flourish while traditional methods often hinder me.
Yeah. I often notice that I can do something just fine if I’m doing it on my own.
This may be a ridiculous example but: One common source of friction is when we go grocery shopping together and put all the items back into the shopping cart after the cashier has scanned them. They are super fast and so we need to be pretty fast as well putting them back into the cart without for instance damaging fruit or veggies.
When we are shopping together I never know what to do. My partner is super fast at putting things into the cart and I want to try to help but I feel like I’m just getting the the way because I’m putting things back in the wrong order or into the wrong part of the cart.
When I’m on my own I do it just fine my own way.
Also your partner maybe experiencing some undiagnosed ADHD symptoms themselves. Where by they become more sensitive to ADHD behaviors that they themselves combat with a toxic inner voice. ADHD can be expressed in many ways and not always the cosmonaut - spacey variety. For instance having a very rigid routine in high stimulus activities like shopping where you’re focus is being exploited by advertising and marketing.
My partner 100% doesn’t have ADHD, I have never met a more focused, attentive, pro-active person than her. She always immediately knows what to do and gets it done. But she’s repeatedly stated that she thinks she might be on the autistic spectrum and from what I know about it and what I know about her I agree it might be the case and, if true, that would probably be another factor making things difficult 🤔
On another note imo someone who makes plans that fall apart at the first hiccup and don’t accommodate the people involved isn’t someone who is good at making plans. Just someone that has very rigid expectations.
The ideal situation shouldn’t be that you are made to cope in such a way that you operate as a normal person. The ideal should be that you have learned something about yourself that can allow you and your partner to organize your lives more effectively with less friction.
My now wife has ADHD, and I definitely feel like I take on nearly all responsibilities. It is exhausting and frustrating to no end.
I’m sorry to hear that. Having ADHD is a struggle but being the partner of someone with ADHD is extremely exhausting as well. I think there should be support groups for partners of ADHD-people.
Don’t make yourself feel that kind of guilt man. Relationships are complex as hell and change over time. Sometimes people have expectations that they aren’t communicating well, and sometimes people have expectations that aren’t really reasonable. I’m seeing you placing a lot of blame at your own feet, but the nature of a disease is that it is something you cannot control. If you are working on it then that is all you can do and I applaud you for that. And I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles and I hope they ease up for you soon
Thank you for your kind words <3 <3 <3
