I just lost my dad to cancer at the end of August. My last conversation with him, I asked him questions along the lines of “Are you in pain? Are you scared? What is worrying you the most right now?” My dad was very resilient to the end. He assured me he was in no pain and was unafraid, that he mostly felt very tired. His biggest worry was that my mother would stop eating and I had promised him to make sure she eats and is taken care of. He seemed much more relieved by that news than anything else. He then started talking mostly on his own, he reminisced about the life he lived, regrets he had, things he is proud of. He started to fall asleep mid story and I let him rest not knowing he wouldn’t really wake up again. 2 days later he passed.

If I were you I would absolutely call. You can use the questions I asked my dad if you think your dad would be receptive to them. I think at the end of life, people want a space to express how they really feel even though normally the subject of imminent death is very uncomfortable. I think, had I not asked him what was worrying him the most, he might have died holding onto that unvoiced stress. That’s just my experience though. My heart goes out to you and your family. Please take care of yourselves and my deepest condolences about your father.

I missed the chance to spend my mother’s last moments of awareness with her. If you do not do this you will regret it for the rest of your life. It will be far worse than any awkwardness and inhibition you now feel and it will never end.

Please just go see him. Don’t plan anything to say.

If you think calling him is the right thing, call him. It won’t be easy (more than a regular call) and the exact words won’t matter but you want to do it.

Make the call or go for the visit without figuring out what to say. You can start with “I don’t know what to say” if needed. Nobody is good at this social interaction, so let yourself not be.

I went through this years ago. I wanted to talk to my dad badly before he died and I didn’t know what to say. I had questions I wanted to ask, but I didn’t even know where to begin. Near the end he slipped into a coma for the final two weeks and there was no talking to him or asking questions that could really be done. I put headphones in his ears and let him listen to his favorite albums.

The thing is that before his coma, all I wanted to say… It didn’t really matter. I just knew I had to be there. Thinking back, he had the opportunity to talk to me as well and he didn’t say a lot beyond how much he loved me. I think if I were you, I wouldn’t worry about what to say because communication isn’t always about words. Maybe just be there and sit by his bed. Perhaps he will say something to you, perhaps not, but I know he will be happy just to have you there. Maybe bring a book or something and read to him. It won’t really matter what it is. I think just being there is key. He knows who you are and what you’re like and I doubt he’ll expect more than you just being you.

Sorry you two are going through this. It is hard and in some ways I’d be lying if I said “it gets better”, though in a lot of ways, with time, it does. Your memories of him likely wont fade in time as much as you think they will. You’ll always miss him and he’ll always have been taken too early but you’re his son and he will live on in you. He sounds like he was a good father and you’ll always have that to draw upon.

Forget about trying to say anything. If there are words, they will come, but there needn’t be. Just go and be with him. That’s likely all that matters.

You don’t really need to say anything. Just be there so he isn’t alone

When my father was diagnosed with MND, I had 5 years to decide what to do. The extra time still didn’t make the decisions any easier.

I think the best thing you could do is just visit and spend time with him. Maybe play a board game, or solve solve a crossword and ask him for help with some of the clues. It really depends on what his strengths are, and what he enjoys doing.

If you want really practical advice (but not helpful emotionally), a list of accounts and passwords can be really useful (electricity, water, car insurance). If he is the only one with intricate knowledge of a particular thing (Wi-Fi router setup, a half-built car engine, loans to family/friends), asking about these and getting it written/drawn can make things easier in the future.

I know this is a rough time, and things aren’t going to get easier for a while. Keep him company if that helps, but don’t burn yourself out doing it. Your thoughts and feeling are just as valid, and there is no shame in seeking help/advice.

Honestly, just sit and hold his hand. You don’t need to say anything.

Go see him.

As far as what to say, your presence is enough. But be awkward, be weird, be whatever you want, or say nothing. Just be there.

Visit or call if ya can. For these types of situations, i try to think of them as if things had already happened. Look back and think about what would make you feel the least bad.

Mine died during Covid lockdown while I was in another country on lockdown. I don’t do well with those sorts of interactions either. We didn’t have the relationship you seem to have had with yours, but I do wish I had been able to be present for just a little time, if nothing else. It takes me a long time to process things anyway and I think it’s probably taken me until this year to feel like I understand him better. I suspect he had the same issue with interactions as me and would’ve wanted me there, but wouldn’t have been able to say it (doubly so, since he had lost the ability to speak by the time I knew he was going to die).

I wrote my dad a letter, gave it to him. He read it, we didn’t talk about it, that was that. He had this letter to reread any time he wanted, and I like to think it was in his pocket when he passed a few weeks later. I did not save a copy for myself, I don’t remember exactly what I said. It was for him; what was for me was giving it.

Try this.