My male best friend and I have known each other since we were 12, and we both happen to be foreigners in the country we’re living in (I’m from Switzerland, and he’s from India). We’re super close and talk about anything and everything. My boyfriend doesn’t care about it, but he still says that my best friend is just “waiting for his turn with me.” However, he trusts me, and I’m happy, so it’s cool. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a best friend of the opposite gender. I also read a thread on another site about it, and opinions were mixed, so I’m curious what you think.
I disagree with the other commenter. Your male friend is irrelevant, it comes down to trust, does your boyfriend trust you. I don’t like the opinion of the commenter of “Just dump him”, that’s a very throwaway concept. (Something isn’t perfect? Throw it out of your life. I don’t like that line of thinking)
I think you should communicate with your boyfriend, ask him why he feels that way, and ask why he feels like he can’t trust you. It’s a dialogue you two need to have. It won’t be a fun one, but if you both want the relationship to work you’ll come out stronger. (If he tries to say things like “He’s waiting for his turn”, turn it around, make it about you and him. “But do you trust me”?) You then give him time to learn and adjust to it. Of course if he refused to learn or adjust, and it doesn’t work, then it becomes a more serious decision.
My anecdote, I was your boyfriend for a long time. My SO, now spouse, was hanging out with someone who was clearly interested. To make it worse, I had been cheated on before so it was a massive trigger for me, and I was immediately paranoid (cheating really fucks with your trust). I grew jealous and it became very unhealthy. If my SO took the other commenter’s advice, we wouldn’t have the life we have now. Thank god they didn’t, and instead talked to me, and gave me the ability to learn and grow. I learned to trust her, and worked on myself, and now 15 years later we’re both very happy and have built a life together.
Bisexual people: Is it okay for me to have friends?
Not everybody is a potential sexual partner. Having friends of any gender is fine. If you start getting any non-platonic feelings, take a step back. If your friend starts getting (or demonstrating) non-platonic feelings, take a step back.
The problem is there’s not going to be one universal answer and that’s what a lot of people are trying to give.
No one here has enough information to truly give feedback. No one here knows you, no one here knows your boyfriend, and no one here knows your male friend.
Everyone here, and everyone anywhere else, is giving advice based on their own personal anecdotes or fiction.
The problem that you will face is navigating all of this until all players’ faces/intentions are revealed. And that includes your own.
I think I personally seen every possible combination this could play out. I don’t think there’s any statistic I could give you, I don’t think there’s any advice I could give you. Because until everyone plays their cards, you really just don’t know. What little advice I can give, don’t try to figure out everyone else’s hand and play your own how you want it to play out. If you want your boyfriend your boyfriend and your male friend to be just a friend, play towards that, make sure those boundaries are very distinct. Be truthful to yourself, and be truthful to others.
+1
Take anything said here with a grain of salt, as we don’t know you, nor these two guys.
Nope, I have lots of friends who have best friends of both genders outside of their partners. If anything, it’s good to have these relationships since you’re not putting everything (and all of your needs) just on your partner. It’s good to be able to spread our relationships and needs around a bit. If anything, if you’re boyfriend was insecure about it, then that’d be an insecurity on his side. It’s healthy to have friendships. It’s not like you two are flirting or getting any romantic or sexual energy from each other (it isn’t always from sex). I give two thumbs up for friends!
- It is ok to have best friends of either genders.
- What your boyfriend is describing is very common. Cheating is very common.
I have beautiful and nice female coworkers, my wife have beautiful and nice male clients. We both spend a lot of time with those people. The possibility of getting in love is high. That is we talk about some facts:
- People do fall in love. Even people in happy relationships fall in love with other people. This is common. (Early stages of falling in love happened to me and to my wife before)
- Relationships have its ups and downs.
- The more time you spend with someone (friends, coworkers, neighbors,…) the more likely is to develop feelings for that person. Those feelings might be temporary. Those feeling can only happen in one of the friends.
So it is not hard to see how having a low point in a relationship might lead to growing romantic feelings to our close friends.
My parents were best friends. While neither were in a relationship at the time, my father developed feelings for my mom. Just recently my mom got aware that my father has been hiding his feeling for a year before he made a move. He did not want to destroy the relationship they had. He waited until he was sure the feeling became mutual.
This story describes nothing wrong. Just a way how people grow together and how beautiful relationships are often born.
Because of this reality me and my wife developed few rules:
- We do not discuss unsolved relationship issues with anyone but ourselves.
- We spend a lot of time working on our relationship.
- If we start developing feelings for someone we talk about it. This stops the enchantment and some feelings are already gone. We decide on a strategy for those feelings to not grow further. Usually temporary mental distancing from that person is enough. And certainly we do not share those feelings with a person in question.
Openness, transparency and also having a strategy helps us maintain relationship with no jealousy and total trust.
I’m going to be that person, and disagree with the common opinion here. Of course, my take is my own, so take everything below with the finest grain of salt.
I think it’s perfectly fine to have friends of the opposite gender. And by opposite gender, I mean the gender you’re attracted to. However, I do think it’s an issue to have a best friend of the opposite gender. A best friend is the person you confide in, you can lean on when everything else is rough, who will be there no matter what. If that person is the opposite gender, and isn’t your SO, then it’s an affair; not necessarily a physical affair, but an emotional one at the very least.
The “waiting his turn” comment sounds like a little bit of immaturity mixed with jealousy. I don’t mean immaturity as a negative; more like someone who has room to grow. Based on that comment though, it sounds like they aren’t comfortable with the situation, even if they say they are.
I’m not saying you should break up. I’m not saying your SO thinks the same way I do. People are nuanced and I only have the very limited information you gave. Based purly on that, it sounds like your SO’s thoughts lean the way mine do.
What it comes down to is what you and your SO think. If you’re not on the same wavelength, then there will always be a wedge between you two. You can still make a relationship work, it’s just going to be harder. On the flip side, if you’re both, deep down, truly fine with it, then there is nothing to worry about, and you should go live your best lives.
Whatever happens, this random internet stranger wishes you both the best.
Completely agree. I think ideally your significant other should be regarded as your ‘best’ friend. You can, of course, have other friends. However, if my wife was confiding in another man, to speak plainly, I’d find that hurtful.
Is there a reason your BF is not your best friend now?
Do you meet each other’s expectations?
What is your best friend offering you that your boyfriend is not. You may want to start there when thinking about where this relationship is going.
Insecurities cause bad interpretations.
Nothing wrong. Why would it be? sounds like your boyfriend is joking, but I would advise to keep a tab on that. Someone trying to undermine your already existing friendships is usually a big red flag.
Of course its not bad. You can be friends with whoever you want. Even if he was into you, would it matter as long as you dont cheat on your bf? He doesnt own you.
Not bad at all. You know there’s nothing more going on.
If you were single, and you said to best friend “Hey im totally into you and want to get together” would he say “no no no, I think of you like a sister”?
Pretty safe to say the answer is no.
That being the case, is what you have really a friendship, or something else?
It’s always great to have good friends, regardless of details like gender. The more love in the world, the better. If you and your best friend have known each other since age 12, it sounds like he’s had plenty of time to tell you if he has romantic feelings for you. If he hasn’t, it sounds to me like he’s happy with the kind of relationship you have now.
Honestly, make sure you show your boyfriend your lemmy posts lusting after him if you haven’t; he’ll be on top of the world and feel very secure!
He’s not wrong though, your friend might have unrealistic ideas about how things could go in the future…you’re the best person to judge that! If you think there’s something there then you’d better talk about it sooner than later! I do think that’s a special thing worth thinking about in this situation that makes it a little different from a different friendship.
Waiting for turn: could be true, could be false. Neither would surprise me.
There is no universally correct answer if it’s wrong or not. By the sound of it it’s fine in your case.
