The other day, my parents asked me (22M) if there were any women that I find attractive (I guess because they’re paranoid about me being gay lol) and I told them yes, there’s a fair number of women that I’ve seen in public that I’ve found attractive.
They asked me, “Do you talk to any of them?” and I said “No??? It’s inappropriate to approach women in public unless you have business with them.”
I told them that it is only appropriate for a man to talk to a woman he doesn’t know when the social situation is explicitly designed for meeting strangers—dating apps, hobby groups, meeting friends of friends, etc. In my view, cold approaching women you don’t know just because you’re attracted to them is harassment.
My parents told me that I’m being ridiculous and making excuses because I’m nervous. They are adamant that I need to learn to approach women or else I will never find a partner. I told them that times have changed and this is disrespectful and potentially predatory behavior along the lines of unsolicited flirting and catcalling. Approaching women is a violation of their personal space and could make them feel very uncomfortable, especially if they feel like they don’t have an easy way out.
My parents are almost 60 and they are very conservative, so they don’t exactly follow progressive discourse, and I feel like they’re super out of touch on this as a result. Particularly, my mom tends to strike up conversations with other women in public, and she’s skeptical when I tell her that I can’t do the same thing because I’m a man and would be viewed as a potential predator.
But I also don’t get out much, which makes me second-guess how distorted my understanding of the social world is from reality. My parents are like a broken clock, and sometimes they DO have a point about something despite 90% of their opinions being insane. Maybe there is a more nuanced reality that I’m not picking up on.
So I wanted to ask here. Are my parents out of touch? Am I out of touch? Are we both wrong? I want to know your opinion.
You are wrong. Yeah times have changed, but not so much that you can’t just fucking talk to someone. Say hi, strike up a conversation, whatever, and trust that anyone who doesn’t want to talk will say so. The important thing when that happens is to listen to them and leave them alone.
I think you’re both a little right. Yeah, they grew up in a world where it was generally more socially acceptable to approach strange women on the street than it is today. But that doesn’t mean that you’re never allowed to do it, either.
I think it’d be good to takeaway a bit of both arguments. Yes, you shouldn’t harass women on the street, but also it’s totally fine to talk to women as long as you’re respectful and take the hint if they’re not interested.
I think the key difference is approaching them to try and “pick them up” versus approaching for a conversation. The former can be creepy and inappropriate while the latter is less so (depending on your demeanor and the situation).
Think the best advice is that when you talk to a woman in public you should have a reason besides her being a woman in public. Like if a man approached me because he thought my shirt looked cool or he saw me reading a book he liked that’s a fine bit of casual conversation. If he just point blank asked if I had a boyfriend as if that’s the only reason a woman wouldn’t want to date a random man she knows nothing about I’d tell him that was none of his business.
Also, she should be able to remove herself from the conversation if she wants to. If she’s at work then she can’t do that, for example, but if you’re at a public park then she can just walk off. At least that’s how I think of it. Obviously I don’t ever want to make someone feel like they have to if I’m just trying to chat, but the point is if they have the option then it should be way less likely to wind up that way
Just learn to talk to all people in social situations, and don’t make it transactional.
The right people will just drop into your life naturally.
Great advice. The bit about it not being transactional is very important. Go live your life, chat with everyone to connect to other human beings.
I think you have a point, but also you’ve cranked that point to 11. Possibly 12.
Like yes, women can be really infuriated by how often they get hit on. I know the main reason my wife wanted a stereotypical wedding ring with a single diamond was that “it’ll keep the flies away”
But also… people interact with you in public. It’s like… a property of public spaces. Indeed talking to my wife in a public space is how we met.
The way you make it sound from your description would be that asking some woman directions would be a social fopah. Hell, where does just “having a conversation” land for you then? If you leave without asking for a number, is it different?
There’s a difference between idle chit chat and approaching like Johnny Bravo.
Faux pas, hehe never seen it as fopah
I gave up because I was typing on my phone.
I met almost all of my previous girlfriends (including my now wife) either at parties my friends threw, or hobbies I was interested in. I never once went to a club to pick people up or try to meet people intentionally in public. That’s always seemed too creepy for me.
Women are just people.
If you learn to talk to men you don’t know, you’ll learn to talk to women you don’t know. It’s not inappropriate unless you’re trying to get something out of the situation. So don’t. Just make some new friends. Of both sexes.
As for when/where, find some hobbies. Go do the hobbies. You’ll meet people at the hobbies. Some of those people will be ladies.
It is an important skill and confidence booster to approach people in general in public. If you are uncomfortable with women, then start with men.
If that is still uncomfortable, then that means you are uncomfortable to talking with strangers in general. Unfortunately, experience is the only way to combat this. Start small with chit chat in lines, compliment people on their shoes, etc.
Instructions unclear, now paying for a gay wedding.
I have lots of advice but I haven’t so much as held someone’s hand since 2005. So about twenty years now.
The only advice I have is find women your age and ask your questions to them. See what they say. Then go from there.
That’s real solid advice. You’ve summed up all these walls of texts nicely
I like to talk to a room. i.e. i watch social cues to find an “in” then i try to start a public conversation?
I think there’s a lot of nuance that both sides of this are missing. There’s a lot of middle ground between not talking to women out in the world at all, and going up to random girls and saying "nice shoes, wanna fuck?
You absolutely can approach people, strike up a conversation, maybe even hit it off and spin it into a friendship or romantic relationship.
I’m far from the guy to tell someone how to do that and try to pick apart the it’s and outs of what makes some things ok and others not, but it is something that absolutely can be done.
“nice shoes, wanna fuck?”
Gotta say, if you are a bit spicy and they are too, if your shirt matches their shoes this might result in a date.
It wouldnt be the first time.
You are right, women are not into bots.
You’re supposed to wear a shirt that says ‘want to touch my pension?’
that OP actually cares enough about other people to think this over means he’s probably more tolerable than most men in my life
when talking to strangers, really good rule to follow is “don’t create a situation for somebody who isn’t completely free to leave” as in, they can exit the situation or ignore you without any consequences to their job/ night out/ errands/ enjoyment of shared space
most of the rest of the context usually sorts itself out from there, right?
If they make eye contact and smile you can chat them up. That’s the secret. They won’t smile or look at you if they don’t want you to talk to them.
Also, don’t confuse friendliness with anything else. 😅
dont talk to anyone. eyes glued to the floor. no smiling. in fact, never leave your house ever again.
