I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I’ve been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just “get over it”. I’ve lost almost everyone I’m close to because of this and I’m starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it’s unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Counseling. Please. Quickly.
Call or text 988 for help with suicidal thoughts
Do not try to “gut” through things alone
Weekly. Last session was yesterday.
Good for you. Keep at it, and don’t just think all counselors are the same. If yours is not working for you, just change. No real counselor will be upset if you do.
They will never suggest change themselves
This is the fourth counselor I have had in my life and this guy is by far the best one. I was recommended him by a coworker whom I respect very much.
Medicine helps too. I’m on Bupropion now, after having suicidal thoughts on Lexapro.
It’s been good for me; it has completely eliminated the ideations, even though things in life have actually gotten worse.
I am on lexapro for 5 years and honestly i didn’t think about swapping stuff. Maybe i should ask about adding welbutrin.
Dude. Coming off Lexapro SUCKS, but I’m glad i did.
That’s why im afraid to do so. 5 years taking it. I feel really good on it though, but maybe the effect has faded and I cant even tell. But when i got on it i felt so good.
If you still have a decent hairline be aware that Bupropion is the antidepressant with the strongest association with hair loss according to a meta analysis from ~5 years ago. I know it nuked my hairline after just 3-4 months of being on it.
And to reply to your original topic, yeah, women receive way more support post-breakup in my experience, while men are expected to just suck it up. As a male you’re treated as disposable whose worth is based on what he can offer others, while women are inherently valued for being female.
It is what it is.
I split with my ex of 10 years (together while I was 18 thru 29ish) and took for granted what support I did have. I’m lucky to have had parents and adult siblings on my side.
You’re doing a heavier lift than I had to. I’d have been in a bad place if I had no support. You were dealt a shitty hand. But the support is there, and you’re on the right track to healing by seeing your therapist. Future you will be able to look back and see this for the learning experience it is. Today my wife and I tease past-me about some red flags I ignored about my ex.
I want to share Tragedy + Time by Rise Against with you. It may come across as intended for the bereaved, but its words do not gatekeep feelings based on the cause of them. (It says “she” once but don’t get hung up on the gender.) In fact, I am tearing up right now at the thought that you, feeling what you feel, might find some solace in it.
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I fell into alt right when she started abusing me which helped destroy the relationship. I got out of that shit.
I’m glad you got out of that but I think we figured out why your friends stopped supporting you. You have reaped what you’ve sewn. Your actions had consequences.
Now that you’re free of both the relationship and the toxic mindset it would be a good time to pick up some hobbies that would encourage meeting and making new friends.
Lol in real life people dont care about politics that much
I fell into alt right
That might have contributed to your friends ghosting you, depending on the friend group. You may have been legitimately grieving due to various reasons, but it might not have been perceived that way by your friend group.
I don’t know the full details of your interactions, but I could easily see that being a red flag for some of your friends.
I got out of that shit.
Good, because a lot of the alt right influencers prey on people like you were in your predicament. I’m sorry you went down that rabbit hole.
I place a lot of blame on myself for how things turned out but I’m pretty sure the reality is that I am not that person at all and would have never made said mistakes if she wasn’t so mean to me.
A leftist response to the alt-right pipeline starts with men. It would take a ton of emotional labor, but at-risk boys simply aren’t going to listen to women the way they will listen to men.
This brings a conundrum, as women are generally much more practiced at emotional labor than men are. They aren’t naturally better, they don’t choose to take it on, but they are conditioned to deal with it in a way that most men aren’t. That’s why women tend to have support networks that are there for them in times of difficulty, but many men don’t. Again, it’s not inherent nor a choice, but a complex result of society and circumstance.
Point is, if you’re a man and you’re waiting around for someone else to start lifting up men and boys, you’re going to be waiting a long time. As cliché as it is, you have to be the change you want to see in the world. Have some male friends you haven’t talked to in a while? Message them, ask them how they’ve been, and don’t be scared to get deep about things.
A support network starts with connecting two points, and if you don’t make the effort to build and maintain it, it’s not going to happen.
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It definitely is not a left vs right thing. The context of my comment was simply “a response to the alt-right pipeline.” That’s the most that political alignment matters in this situation.
Is the advice in my comment wrong? I’m a woman who’s been watching the alt-right chew up and spit out boys for a while. My power to do anything about it is limited, because (if online) as soon as such a young man learns that I’m female, they have a ready-made reason to ignore everything I say. If in-person, they would dismiss me before I even speak. I do a lot of activism and speaking to build community and support local causes, but this is one arena that I can’t even enter. The nature of this issue invalidates me from the get-go.
What else can I do except encourage men to step up and do the activism that I wish I could do?
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Ah, I see. I appreciate the clarification!
I’m sorry that you’re in this position and I can unfortunately understand on a deep level on just how distressing it can feel to be alone.
This situation that you’re describing is really painfully close to what I personally experienced with one of my own breakups.
Men are often viewed as the ones who should predominantly pull themselves up by their bootstraps and as such shouldn’t be given empathy or the right to be listened to.
- an an Enby I’ve both seen and experienced this firsthand.
It really sucks that these kinds of disconnection happens when reality really doesn’t have to be this way.
I unfortunately can’t say anything that could possibly fix this landscape but please know that you are not alone. 💪
💖🙌 Your pain and emotional distress is real, you deserve love just as everyone else. 🔥💖
If possible, I’d highly reaching out to your local social empathy/mental help centres as I’ve personally found help there and they might be able to help you as well🍀🌻
Thanks.
100%
It is, oddly enough, another side effect of misogyny and "the patriarchy " that is not often recognized. Sadly, when it is recognized, it can be distorted by hateful opportunists looking to for profit and influence in the name of men’s rights.
I hope OP finds the support he needs.
I have one particular friend who left me because he thinks I’m anti feminist due to this exact sentiment.
It’s important that you phrase your frustration and anger and sadness entirely on who. This wasn’t women as a whole, this was one woman who stabbed you in the back.
Are you ok?
I’m going through a divorce right now. For the most part the friends and people I’ve told have largely been supportive of me. I think it helped that I had friends that were my own and not shared with my ex-wife. The shared friends we had together have mostly supported her, but they were her friends before we had met. One of the things I have done since splitting is getting more involved with my hobby that is improv theater. Finding a hobby where you are around others can help with building a group of friends who know you not through your ex or past relationship. It would make it more likely that they would support you and not her.
Because Men aren’t allowed to feel any emotion, and it’s always our fault no matter what. Like how any type of masculinity is toxic and chivalry is considered rude or borderline SA.
And it’s only getting worse.
Honestly, I think you got to kill yourself on the inside or be a republican. And its better to die then be a republican. I keep being told the left cares about my feelings, but they only care about the ones they want me to have and not the ones I do have.
Reps and Dems are so far gone that neither care about each other. I was a conservative when I was in the Army, but watching the left and the right battle each other recently, I’ve been slipping towards the moderate side.
Just don’t want to affiliate with either and just live in the middle of nowhere.I know I troll a lot on here but I just want to get these emotions out and get a different perspective on things.
My psychiatrist tells me that I need to open up more, but I feel that if I do, I’d just explode.
Oh well. No need to spill that on here. Whoops.
*Also, Republicans aren’t that bad. Democrats are just as bad from a different direction. At some point, they’re just Nazis pointing at each other with how far apart they are.
My circle of friends before and after my divorce are almost completely different. Only 1 of my college friends stuck around. And my ex straight up moved across country. So it’s not like they were supporting her and not me. I would recommend you do what I did. Pick up a hobby that requires you to interact with other people. I picked up dancing and Dungeons and Dragons. It really helped me build new friendships and restart my life. It really sucks, and it’s extra hard building relationships when you are in your current state, but it does help.
Getting support is not always a given. Try to get some hobbies and new friends.
You need to find a new circle. Pick up a new hobby with a community. Kung Fu for me was great. Exercise aside, the classmates are supportive and the community is great.
Find one that would work for youI’m three years out of being divorced after 15 years of marriage.
It, yeah, um… yeah, dude. I got the same treatment. People’s immediate family and lives all take precedent.
I basically took gasoline and a match to my life predating 2022 and went scorched earth in retaliation. Now I’m mostly family, or fuck off while I keep my head in books and hobbies.
People imo are the ultimate letdown, held up by the idea that humanity means something. It doesn’t. Pet a cat.
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I still remember the look of dawning realization on my little brothers face, when he complained to me of the same lack of support from friends, as he endured a nasty divorce, and I pointed out that he had never once contacted me during my own divorce… People who are in their own marriages, feel threatened and uncomfortable when others are divorcing. People who have never been through a divorce themselves, usually don’t know how to respond. Grief is not something most people train for, or know how to deal with until it happens to them personally, so you may find more support and empathy from older friends or relatives. Don’t forget to look forwards sometimes, too. There is life after divorce, even though it may take a little while to realize it.
In a variety of ways, people communicate to men, ‘Please don’t need anything from me, because I have nothing to give you.’
First : sorry you are going through this.
Second : yes most guys won’t get the support they need. It sucks.
Third : yes you have shitty people around you
The people who you thought were your friends aren’t. Forget about them. Forget they exist. They aren’t worth your time.
Figure out what you like to do and join a club or group and move forward. Not just get over it. In that new group look for support there. Look for better friends there.
Thanks.
Yeah I’d be there for my bros if they went through this.
Good on you. In my experience no matter how much you’re there for bros, as soon as shit hits the fan for you it’s “sorry, I’m not really good with that stuff lol” and then they just kind of disappear until you’re magically better.
It’s also not easy to just write people off from your life for being shitty when you’re down and then be left with nobody. People act like “find better friends” is easy. Finding friends at all is hard for most people.
Yea, I have been there for several friends that went through this. If it really is how you say then those people kind of suck atm. Maybe ask one why before you write them off though. Better to know for sure vs remaining angry with people.
OP mentioned in another comment he went alt-right for a bit and came back.
I wouldn’t be there if a friend went off the deep end. I would however call him out for his views and tell him to fuck off vs just ghosting.
Ahh well if that’s the other shoe dropping. I’m always skeptical of folks that never bring up their flaws in the history. OP if that’s true you should own it, and apologize for those beliefs. It’s possible these people were done with you before the divorce.
He commented below with it. Might wanna reply there.
The quality of your life is the sum of the quality of the five people with whom you spend the most time.
Do my dogs count?
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I’d like to strongly challenge your third point. As others have said, there are many reasons people don’t provide emotional support besides “they’re not your friends.” They might not know how to be supportive, they might be afraid of saying the wrong things and causing more hurt, they might have an avoidant attachment style with a deep fear of having others depend on them. We all have moments when we fail to show up for people we care about, and if we respond by ending those relationships, we’ll be left without any at all.
I’m not saying it’s wrong for OP to end those friendships, and I think making new friends is usually a good move. I am saying that - when both parties are willing - being able to name and repair those hurts is part of having healthy relationships.
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I wouldn’t say his friends are just shitty people. You really have to work with bros to foster a relationship where talking about emotions is acceptable. As men, we are really just ill equipped because of broad ideas about masculinity and its hard cycle to break.
Im willing to bet, if you surveyed his friends, there might be some who are heart broken they didnt know they should have stepped up.
Fair enough
What got me through what sounds like a very similar divorce for me was being a part of a hobby with an inperson community that met weekly in every large city around me.
I drove probably 300 miles a week going to events to do anything to get my mind off life and spend time with people I actually liked, doing something I enjoyed.
Things that come to mind that will meet this are martial arts, fighting games, and outdoor activities (like biking or hiking groups).