I try to be kind, upbeat, etc in my interactions with other people, especially at work. I want to treat others well, work together peacefully, and leave the project happy. I’ve noticed that some people (particularly more curmudgeonly folks) seem to read that attitude as naïveté, and feel like they can walk all over me or treat me like I don’t know what I’m talking about. Why is that?
I don’t know but sorry this is happening to you. Do not give up. It is certainly not naive, you can be most kind and firm with people, you can be kind and competent. You don’t need to be an asshole to get things done (I’m sure you have figured that out already) and I find that seeing the best in people works out better more of the time, anyway.
There are different kinds of kindness. The people-pleasing kind may come across as being naive and triggers some people. Another kind of kindness is to actually care and be curious about others and that usually comes across better.
I’m a fan of the line from Ted Lasso: be curious, not judgmental. I try approach things from the perspective of “how can we solve this problem”, since I don’t see any good in finger pointing. You can’t change the past.
I’ll admit, I am a people pleaser at times, but it’s something I’ve worked on - identifying the line when I start to be too much of a pushover.
That’s a good quote.
Also props for recognizing your own people-pleasing tendencies. And I’m glad to hear you’ve worked on it. It takes time to understand what causes us to be like that. It might be out of fear of rejection or some other unwanted outcome. And it could be based on some irrational assumptions or beliefs.
To be able to accept any outcome in any situation is very difficult, but a strong foundation for confidence and inner peace.
Assholes like to rationalise their assholery by painting their victims as weak and somehow deserving it. You can very much see that in present day politics but you’ll also meet people like that in real life.
Classic wolf vs sheep paranoid reality of toxic individualism.
These people cannot fathom humanity being bigger than “strong kill weak” or “predator / prey / competitor” classifications.
Many men hold this worldview as their reality as the bro culture and toxic masculinity plays right into it.
Anger spreads. It hates everything that doesn’t inflame it.
Pessimists, like everyone else, feel that their way is the right way, and if you aren’t as miserable as them, you must not be doing something right.
People sometimes have difficulty walking the line between being nice and being a doormat and let people take advantage of their kindness. This bitters some people and they start to see their own kindness as a weakness.
When this happens they tend to think people who are kind just haven’t had that bad experience yet and that they’re naive about the way the world “really works”.I think there might be a kind of tragedy of the commons thinking there, as in “Somebody is going to take advantage of this naive person, it may as well be me.”
It’s funny, but I feel like I strive to be kind because I’m aware of how the world really works. Like, I’ve been let down by reality and know the world can be a nightmare already, so why would I want to pile even more on someone and make their life harder, you know?
Oh, sweet summer child
/s
“Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you’ve got a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”
― Kurt Vonnegut
You sound very sweet, OP. Never change. A lot of people are just miserable themselves and want company being miserable.
IMO it’s just propaganda, it’s as simple as that. Evil people with no empathy want everyone to turn off their own empathy, so they can use their positions of power to exploit everyone else.
If people (sensibly) think that we should strive to be as kind as possible, it exposes the evil people as being obviously evil when they exploit others, and because we’re trying to be as nice as possible we then wouldn’t tolerate that and we’d take away their power so they can’t exploit people any more.
Abusers try to stigmatize sympathy and empathy, because as long as it is a stigma then people won’t talk to each other about their own abuse, then the abuser gets away with it. But no matter how strong and powerful an abuser is, even a fairly small number of dedicated, close-knit victims and their supporters can make the abusers lives extremely difficult, if not tip over their power completely.
Disagree. In my lived experience, the kindest person in the room is often the smartest.
the terrible awful no-good reality is that being kind is just objectively the most effective thing, and obviously the whole reason why us humans have become so powerful.
it’s incredibly easy to show why: you have a tree with 1 apple within easy reach, do you A) give the other person a boost so they can reach all the other apples and then spend the evening gorging with your new friend, or B) FUCKING MURDER THEM and eat the one apple while you watch the life fade from their eyes?
A sane person obviously chooses A, and it’s mind boggling that this has somehow become even remotely debatable.
Likely because they were once upbeat and positive people too and it didn’t get them what they want so they have changed their ways to be less positive.
So anybody who is still positive, in their experience, hasn’t learned yet that that isn’t going to get them what they want.
It might be a defense mechanism. They were taken advantage of when they were more open and positive.
It might just be bad learned behavior. The people who have what they want aren’t very positive to them.
It is also not easy to stay positive so a lot of people choose not to. Sometimes we like to make excuses for why people are able to do the harder things that we’re not doing. “Oh I would volunteer too if I had as much time as them.”. “Oh I am just not naive enough to be that positive”
I was gonna say something similar, it’s not so much about being nice, it’s about being happy.
That’s just some Murican bullshit, it’s what happens to people raised by reality tv
It’s harder to do the right thing, it’s tough to be truly kind.
Follow your heart and try to make a better world around you
People being dicks to each other is hardly an American phenomenon.
not what I said, but nice attempt at deflection
You seem to be a nice person. Don’t give up. I hope you find your people and I’d be happy to have positive people like you around me. Do you read about Buddhism and metta at all? When the whole world can show love and respect to themselves and others it will be a better place, and you seem to be there already.
Thank you 😊
I actually was very into Buddhism a few years ago. I had a better meditation practice then, and I did a lot of reading, some on metta, but moreso insight. I don’t think I’d consider myself a Buddhist, but they have a lot of good ideas!
When you get walked over how do you react?
Rudeness is merely an expression of fear. People fear they won’t get what they want. The most dreadful and unattractive person only needs to be loved, and they will open up like a flower.
They see it as a vulnerability they can exploit to get what they want. This is a reminder to use strong boundaries. You can be kind but also strong.
Knowing when to set boundaries and sticking to them is not one of my strong suits, admittedly. But it’s something I’m working on.
How do you know when to set a boundary? How do you enforce it without feeling like an asshole?
To add to what others have said, boundary-setting is a skill we develop over many social interactions. It may feel awkward or mean setting a boundary initially, but it’s essential to maintain one’s “social battery” and priorities/sanity.
Speaking of priorities, those are a good indication as to when setting boundaries is helpful. For example, you have an important appointment to get to, but a family member/friend is asking your help with something at around the same time. Communicating you have a prior engagement at the time of your appointment while being willing to help out after, or giving them suggestion on how else they can get the help they need, is you setting a boundary of what you can do with your time.
When we have concerns of feeling like an asshole, we want to consider from where that originates. Sometimes we’ve been raised around family members or “friends” who take advantage of another’s kindness and treat people maintaining boundaries as the villain (e.g. “Why are you leaving us hanging?/ Why couldn’t you help me/your Old Man out this one time?”). This is often a sign of emotional immaturity/ poor insight, empathy, and/or self-awareness. Healthy connections will respect your boundaries and maybe check in later if a raincheck is suggested. When interacting with people who don’t respect “no” as a full sentence and answer, sometimes reminding them of our limits and empathizing with the person’s situation can disarm them.
Check in with yourself during/after interactions and explore your feelings/thoughts that came up. If you experience negative emotions after an interaction, ask yourself why. Did they say or do something that made you feel uncomfortable - ie: being controlling or physically being too close. Keep a list of this and update it. This will tell you what kind of boundaries you need to set and which people violate those boundaries. Then you can decide how you want to set the boundary - the boundary could be imposed on you (ie: you leave the room), the boundary could be imposed on the other person (ie: you tell them how you feel and tell them the consequences). The latter really depends on the kind of relationship you have with the other person.
the boundary could be imposed on you (ie: you leave the room), the boundary could be imposed on the other person (ie: you tell them how you feel and tell them the consequences
I was in the same situation as the OP and I have done both the things you have suggested and guess what they didn’t change anything. Yes the day I told them what I felt and walked out of the room, felt reliving, as I did what I wanted to do and the next few days felt different too. But things came back to being bad as they were before.
And this made me think that, I shouldn’t have been the nice/doormat guy I was from the beginning itself and be more open about my views and opinions which would make me look like a strong character. First impression is everything and you really can’t do anything after they’re set.
You cannot control other people. And as I said, bouandry setting with others is a case by case situation. The next step would be to limit your interaction with them - this could be from changing your routine to something more drastic like changing jobs/going no contact.
I treat people being overly kind as deceptive.
Why is that?
It’s a common manipulation tactic and one unintelligent people tend to fall for hook, line, and sinker.
I use it all the time at work to lull people into a sense of safety to make them relax and fall back into the behavior I want to nail them for.
Oftentimes a person will do something they’re not supposed to do, but won’t do it around the manager. I’m the assistant manager and for whatever reason, people will do something they’re NOT supposed to do around me and then wonder how the manager keeps finding out. I never let them know it was me and neither does my boss and people simply do not catch on for whatever reason.
I don’t seek out people to report them, but I do have a duty to my manager and the company to make sure everyone does what they’re supposed to. Even had one idiot stealing drinks and offer me one. Don’t steal, it’s not worth your job.
More like Dagwood_Snitchwich.
I do my job. They do their job and there’s no problem. My job is to take over for the manager when he’s not there and to be his extra set of eyes and ears.
They’re the assistant manager, it’s literally their job to help manage the team. Don’t do stupid shit in front of management and you won’t get in shit, it’s not rocket science.
Being overly kind or love bombing is manipulation tactic number one employed by a narcissist.
Oh, that makes sense, I suppose.
Some people use kindness as deception.
