Please don’t tell me “see a therapist” I know that already.
I don’t think I’d have a rebuttal.
She might have had a hard life, dealt with a similar kind of depression that you have, and developed these maladaptive views as a way to get herself through dark times.
I know your mom isn’t going to see a therapist, but I don’t see how arguing with someone who has calcified mental trauma is going to help.
She might have had a hard life
Probably.
70s Rural China was rough.
Extremely conservative culture… never any mental health awareness… she told me about that supposedly there was someone in either her village or a nearby village thay had someone’s son go “crazy” and they lock him inside the house and basically treat him like a dog. Like she says it in the present tense, like this supposed “crazy person” (her words, not mine) is allegedly alive today, never get to leave home. No idea if she made it up to scare me or if it’s real.
She’d “worried” that I’ll “end up like that”… Wtf
It may have been real, in part of the shame for the family of having a family member deemed crazy. That family may have thought this was the best way to treat him, in part because the greater community wouldn’t accept him and there wasn’t any available treatments for them.
Now, it doesn’t mean that you have the same issues of the person in the story. Your mother’s village probably didn’t have an ability to differentiate people outside of sane enough to work and not. But, in her mind, she probably doesn’t have any ability to understand mental illness so this is the closest she can go to when discussing it.
And it is really hard to bridge that gap in knowledge.
Somebody else pointed out that there is probably nothing you could say or do to change her mind, and I’m sorry to say that’s probably correct. She may or may not recognizes she’s being emotionally abusive, but the authority she has over you likely gives her a sense of power. Trying to control your emotions by getting a reaction out of you, or making you upset, or making you mask your own emotions to please her (ex:telling you that you’re not really feeling how you tell her you feel) gives her a sense of control.
You should know it’s very pathetic behavior on her part, but you shouldn’t waste your own time and energy trying to change her, or trying to get back at her by saying something mean to hurt her (even though that’s exactly what she’s priming you to do, and probably what her own parents did to her).
There is a good chance that one day you’re going to realize it’s just not worth the hassle and stress to have somebody so negative and toxic in your life. You’re stuck with her now because she brought you into this world. You had no say in the matter.
That’s what makes her obligated to you, (legally at least until you’re able to take care of yourself, morally forever because you’re always going to be her child that she brought into this world). Her job is to be your mother and accept you as her child.
Your job is to learn who you are and grow into yourself. That’s it. You have no other obligation. She might have put a roof over your head and kept you alive, but that’s literally bare minimum for every parent. It sounds like her idea of “value” is just doing her bare minimum obligation.
She might not realize it until the day she finds herself alone and longing to have you in her life, but one day it will be your choice, (not your obligation), to decide if you want any relationship or contact with her. She may currently have power and control over you, but she doesn’t seem to have much value.
You might want to consider just not bothering to share your feelings and emotions with her anymore. Just talk to her like you would an acquaintance or a customer at work. No need for hostility or being rude, but also no need to make yourself vulnerable to somebody who refuses to respect you.
You can’t control her being abusive and crazy. All you can control is your own reaction (and doing so will probably piss her off more than any hurtful thing you could ever say to her). She can be as mean and crazy as she wants, but just try to let it roll of your back and keep yourself neutral in whatever interactions you have. Minimize your time with her until you’re able to move out.
I’m sorry she sucks and you deserve better. Maybe someday she can work on herself, and learn to be the kind of mother you deserve. Maybe she can apologize to you and you can forgive her and start a new chapter. If not it’s her loss and you shouldn’t let the opinion of a vindictive crazy woman make you question your own value.
Learn from her mistakes, and make it your goal to try and be the kind of person you needed around when you were growing up.
My rebuttal is that your mom’s a bitch and there’s no reason to pay attention to anything she says.
Damn right.
Confirmed. Tagged this person before, I’ve noticed they often comment about some fucked up shit their mom says. But they’re young and probably not able to escape it yet unfortunately :/
She’s giving you the most difficult life lesson. I am almost 40 and to this day I dread to ‘actively hear’ many words my dad has to say about me or my decisions. It’s a difficult lesson because they are our caregivers and as such they did many good deeds. But at some point we need to put our own mental health above anyone else’s rant, rage, or toxicity. We don’t owe them shit. After that leap, you may be able to come back to the issue that they were addressing with their comments and reflect upon the issue itself on your own and/ or with the help of others (friends, therapist, chatgpt?? I wouldn’t recommend the latter but it may be a good starting point and better than nothing…)
Right? If I had a mom like that I’d be depressed too.
Oh wait, I did, and I was.
Who defines “valueless”? In my opinion, anyone who says something like that has no value and so…
I’m sorry you have to deal with that sort of toxicity in your family. There is no good rebuttal because it just seems like a lack of empathy, no one can make her care.
I’m sure that’s rough for you. Wishing you happy holidays despite this callus friction. 💜❤️♥️😘
You mother had exactly one decision she got to make in regards to your life, and she already made it. She either needs to live with the consequences amd responsibilities of that decision, or learn to move on with her life.
It sounds harsh. But, if her love is based on how useful you are to her… Then that’s not family, that’s slavery.
Sounds like your mom wanted a little slave to obey her and instead got a human child with an individual character that wants to be loved and live free. Well, people do that a lot. Try to get away from there. Focus on what you’re good at, train your skills try to stand on your own feet and make a life and a living of your own. Then you can start living independently and get away from people with such cold hearted inhumane points of view.
(Only productive people’s live are valuable, seriously? That is just social-darwinist garbage… In my country there used to be a asshole with a funny beard who propagated this point of view a lot and he ended up shooting himself in a berlin bunker in '45)
Every child deserves unconditional love from their parents. It is their decision to set a child in this world not the child’s. The child owes nothing to their parents. They’re human beings not little slave servant puppets. Be aware that you’re no longer the helpless child. You’re an adult now. Help yourself and be the kind of parent to yourself your mother never was able to be. And you’ll find people who care and love you for who you are and not only for your productivity.
Removed by mod
Nothing, someone with that world view isn’t worth talking to. I’ve argued with enough brick walls in my life to recognize one.
Measuring people by what they can give to others or to capitalism is utterly wrong. EVERYONE has value to someone else.
Removed by mod
Removed by mod
From my experience, people who say this either highly value themselves or are/were depressed and hate(d) themselves for it.
Don’t waste too much time trying to change their mind and just keep it in mind the next time they say something.
There isn’t a ton to say, as she likely does not want or is willing to be convinced otherwise. If you know that her view is untrue (which, it is. There are, quite literally, millions upon millions of people who live fulfilling, good lives with depression. There are also people who provide “value” to the community through employment or otherwise who do not necessarily deserve to live.), then you do not have to value it. It’s the same way you wouldn’t value a Flat Earther’s screeching about you being wrong about sphere Earth; they are beyond reason, and are not worth the energy needed to combat their views. It’s tough, because it is your mother, but motherhood does not mean you are wise or well-lived. The barrier for entry to parenthood is extremely low.
I don‘t believe in laziness. There is no scientific proof for laziness but plenty evidence that points in the opposite direction. It‘s as ridiculous of a concept as an almighty god. Possibly even more outlandish.
Boredom is torture. Nobody is acting lazy out of choice. We simply spend our energy at unproductive things sometimes. But honestly? Isn’t that what all this circus is about in the end? That we do what we love or that we do things for others because we love them?
Show me one „lazy“ person and I‘ll tell you why they‘re not actually lazy but occupy themselves with things you or I don‘t deem important. It‘s not laziness. It never is.
Don’t feed the trolls. I know she’s your mom, but not everyone deserves a response. If she keeps on you, just wave her away with “I heard you”.
