I literally have no friends irl or any relationships at all, not even family. Many often I feel so horrible because of my isolation and loneliness.
I need some hope, have any of you had life experiences with extreme loneliness but built relationships?
I’ve seen your stance on meetup and sites that profit from human interaction, and I have to say I have massive respect for that. Well done for sticking by your morals, too, especially when things feel difficult like they do for you right now. That’s commendable, and not a lot of people work that way.
I moved away from all my friends and family just over three years ago, a long way away (relative to the UK), and to a place I’d never been to or even heard of.
The first night was a little nerve-wracking, but after that it was okay. I started with work, trying to be helpful there and make decent friends out of my colleagues while I was in the office. I started going out after work to the local pubs in my area, and just chilling at the bar or at a table with a drink. Eventually, I got talking to people - whether it was to borrow a lighter and then roll that into a conversation, give somebody a cigarette, or just answer a question that a small group were pondering out loud if I was nearby and it didn’t seem creepy.
It’s tough, I don’t know if you drink or smoke, but pubs are always a good place to meet people, at least in the UK. One of the local pubs here runs a chess night, which is free, you don’t even have to buy a drink, and there’s a gaming cafe a little way down the road that runs all kinds of card game nights. You do have to pay to get into those but we always have strangers turn up and I’ve met some people who have become friends from there.
It’s tough, though. You will face rejections, and you will have evenings where absolutely nothing goes right for you and you end up feeling defeated. I would say don’t be too eager to make friends. Don’t go out trying to make friends if you’re having a particularly tough night either; it won’t help. You want to be relaxed and comfortable. Bar staff are generally friendly too, at least in the UK.
Thanks for the comment, well haha I guess its easy to not to choose these proprietary enshittified sites and applications when I am not under peer pressure, suppose that’s one great advantage of being lonely - I was suggested dating applications as well by an online friend and I was like hell no lol.
I don’t drink nor smoke, I appreciate your perspective and advice!
Jesus, dating apps to make you feel less lonely? 😂
You don’t have to drink or smoke at pubs! For event nights you can totally do it sober - I have been for nine months now ✌️ but best of luck to you!
Instead of hope, let’s give directions.
Use something like meetup.com to find groups in your area that match some of your interests.
I appreciate the suggestion but I don’t like sites that profits from human interaction.
I’m this case, it might be worth making a bit of an exception.
People who are willing to use platforms like that are going to suffer in long term and ethical internet is an important value for me. From what I read, meetup.com is already enshittifying so I am not missing out on anything.
If a person says they are hungry and you give them an apple, and that person hands it back and says they only eat organic, then partly that person is causing their own problem.
What I am hearing right now is that you are choosing that you would rather be lonely than compromise your ideals, which is fine… But it sounded like you were tired of being lonely and were willing to try new things.
That new thing to try might just be compromise.
Good luck to you, friend.
Unless you run a group you don’t pay anything.
There are other things like community halls or libraries that may have groups using them. You can also check those.
I am paying with the data they’ll use for advertising.
I have moved 500+ miles 4 times in my life and have very little family (only child of an only child).
I think finding friends is a bit of luck, a bit of social skills, a bit of persistence, and a lot of the right opportunities.
Luckily social skills are skills that can be worked on. I’m not in a place to diagnose how yours are, so since they are such a broad skill stet I’m going to pretty much skip talk about them. However, I do want to affirm that I went into adulthood with very underdeveloped social skills but was able to grow them (and now am normal enough).
I think opportunity is a big place a lot of chronically lonely people tend to miss out on. I read somewhere that it takes about 200 hours to make a friend. That is specifically one on one time. It is important to find ways to be around people consistently enough that you can build up that time with them. I’ll make a side note here that with the increasingly capitalistic society we’re in, the lack of truly public spaces, and the expectation of spending more and more money in third spaces it is hard, but notably, not impossible to find ways to spend time around people. School is a classic way to speed run this. Work can be too, but is much more tricky (possible to make real friends at work, but very difficult but also very bad if you make a misstep [see also never dating at work]). If you’re not getting friends those ways you have to actively try to leave your home and go places that you are regularly around a set of the same people.
Once you’re spending time around people, it is important to make small talk, have conversations, remember things about them and ask follow up questions the next time you see them. Say yes to any and all invites, try and invite people to things that you would do anyway.
My personal method is a hobby that includes weekly gatherings. I go regularly. Most just after I’ve moved and 2-3 times a month as maintenance. I do supportive volunteering so everyone sees me and gets to know me.
People are a social species, your loneliness is pushing you to take care of yourself by making connections. It can be tough but I’m rooting for you!
yep! after the divorce!
when you can, go do some stuff out there with other peeps. It doesn’t really matter what it is as long as it’s something where an activity of any kind can be participated in, and other people are willingly nearby and in good spirits.
But in the meantime focus on hobbies and skills and stuff.
that way when you are around people, there are things that you can talk about and show people.
vidya also!
A great one is public game night, pokemon or yu gi oh if that’s your interest, but there is typically lots of choice (magic, one piece, warhammer, lorcana, beyblade, …). Depending on the size of your town, there is probably a comic/card/board game shop nearby with a listing of game nights. They are usually a super friendly bunch, used to welcoming new faces.
