Obligatory bidet comment. You don’t have to wipe like you’re trying to get peanut butter out of carpet. All shits become the same with a bidet, whether a short sticky stoagie or a hot wet mess of diarrhea. Imagine trying to clean a mud snowman off your driveway with a pressure washer. It can do anything.
You are a master of imagery.
You don’t have to wipe like you’re trying to get peanut butter out of carpet.
I lol’d
I’m not gonna pressure wash my tush, that’s a terrible metaphor! Too much power!
Tl;dr: too much pressure can result in an unwelcome “deep clean”, not recommended as a surprise.
You really have to limit the pressure to the bidet. We ultimately installed a little in-line valve but raw dogged it initially. I thought I’d be fine. “It has a dial,” I thought to myself, “I just won’t crank it up all the way.” I’m an idiot.
The next time I was really sick was when it happened. I was little kid sick, the kind of sick where you’re feverish, nauseated, and delirious, barely able to function, yet still have to drag yourself through the house and half-assedly slap your arms at things until they work, just to fulfill basic functions like drinking water and using the toilet. A toilet with a bidet.
I had just finished power blasting the porcelain for the umpteenth time and I wanted nothing more than to wash it away and ooze back into bed. I gathered all my willpower to swing an unwilling appendage over and twist the knob, but I twisted much too far and my aim… my aim was perfect. Bullseye.
In martial arts, they teach you not just to strike your target, but to strike through your target. The bidet didn’t just blast my anus, it blasted through my anus. If we were at the fair, my bidet would have popped the balloon and taken home the big bear. My wife claims she heard me cry out a high-pitched “eeeep!”, but I don’t remember it. I just remember shock and confusion as I pawed at the bidet knob. The bidet had slammed its way straight to home plate and beyond, on to the “fifth base” of legend.
I ordered a valve online that day and installed it as soon as I was able. Never again, not without intent, preparation, and a safe word.
I have never used a bidet.
What I do use with every shit is a bidet shower.
You get a nice gentle but strong enough stream which you control all the time.
Also, I never shoot it directly at my anus, but more like from an angle, so even if it suddenly had 10x the flow, it wouldn’t go into my arse.
Pretty much every single bathroom in Finland has these. As in even gas stations and bar toilets usually have one stall with a sink in the stall and a bidet shower attached.
this is a work of fucking art
Bro, you’re supposed to use a NEW piece to wipe each time
Protip: You wipe after you completely finish shitting, not the entire time you’re shitting.
I get all my wipes out at the beginning of the month, that way I don’t have to waste time later on
Smart
The first week, friends still hang out.
The last 3 weeks Pepé le Pew is their only buddy.
Thanks for the shitty tip!
A shitty tip is when your partner didn’t wipe before anal
As a gay bottom (gottom™), your partner should be doing more than wiping before anal
Yes I know. It just doesn’t really work with the joke when you explain that they need to also use a nozzle / douche to clean out from the inside.
Basic maintenance. Trim your asshole and put some lotion up there.
Spread your cheeks when you shit and if its bad really get up in there the first couple swipes. Also eat more fiber
Speak for yourself. Some of us can poop in parallel.
I love how Aubrey breaks before Chris says anything past his first line
It’s that delay, he held the next line back. Such great comedic timing!
This was when Chris Pratt was at his peak.
He sucks now. He was AMAZING in Parks and Rec.
Bumbling buffoonery is his niche. He’s not a leading man, action hero, regardless of how many roles they shoehorn him into.
I also like that he goes by “CP”. Very cool.
You like CP?
Parks and Rec is such a great show.
So until they read about it on the internet they were leaving their butthole covered with shit all day?
Fiber. Truly, up your fiber intake. The only time it won’t stain and linger is when it gathers in on itself.
Everyone has a 3% chance at colon cancer and fibre supplements are a good way to reduce your chances
But then everyone doesn’t have a 3% chance 🤔 /s
No no, if your chances go down, someone else’s goes up. Sucks, but you gotta watch out for number one.
That’s not how averages or statistics work.
I guess lemmings are just as bad as redditors to notice sarcasm.
Kind of hard to do on a text based platform. I had just seen a post with so many people fucking up basic addition, I wouldn’t put it past people not knowing how statistics work.
I think he knows
Bidet.
I gave up on reddit years ago but whenever someone posts about bidets it reminds me of my favorite reddit exchange
Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”
Eventually a reply came from a confused esl person asking me if I had a constipation problem because they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
I think about that exchange more often than I should
I mean a bidet would help with tight shit as well.
A bidet is a miracle device, helps in any and all situations. Diarrhea? Solved. Constipation? Solved. Regular? Surprisingly, solved. Wanna do the front too? Can be a bit awkward but it’s got you covered (in water, of course). Washing the throne? Solved. Basic calculus? Solved. Advanced calculus? Believe it or not, solved. Taxes? Avoided. Marriage counseling? Ever since I got my bidet my wife says my “stench is less appalling”. Solved, baby. I even use it to water the garden and defend my house from intruders.
Cannot recommend enough.
Neti pot? Solved!
Thirsty? Solved!
Would require good water pressure. Although that’s a careful balancing act because you can go too far the other way. Then that’s an embarrassing hospital visit.
Fires up pressure washer with extreme prejudice.
Doubtful. I have never heard of residential water pressure high enough to do any damage.
Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”
Apparently they didn’t know shit.
they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
¡Duce’s Loose!
<wavesPinkyAndThumbInTheShaka>
Joe Bidet?
John Bidet, inventor of the bidet.
My house has four bathrooms and three bidets. My teenage son just won’t get on board with having a clean ass.
Maybe he has a sensitive ass.
It’s gentler than tp
Maybe he thinks touching his butthole would make him gay and a bidet would force him to wipe.
gang 🤞
Eventually there is blood but no shit.
Better red than bidet!
It’s the only way I can finger myself without it being gay
If “red” rhymes with “bidet” you’re highly American
Why would I stop wiping? There’s still blood back there!
Since nobody else has talked about it, blood in stool is most commonly caused by hemorrhoids which can be caused by wiping too hard but much more likey it’s due to spending too many hours sitting on hard or rough surfaces each day, and you could even have a natural disposition for hemorrhoids caused by enlarged veins and the way blood circulates throughout your legs. It can also be contributed to by leakage from irritated bowels, as well as in people who eat large meals just before sleeping.
Generally professional care isn’t required to resolve the issue, instead you can try spending less time sitting down, avoid bloodthinners, wash the area occasionally with cool or cold water, or sitting on an ice pack and rotating out with a hot pack. Many people have suggested dietary changes, such as eat a fucking salad for once in your life.
If it persists for longer than two or three weeks, seek professional care as it could require light surgery.
anon means that he wiped so frequently that the skin of his butthole wore away (and the paper still came back shitty)
If a man has frequent anal fissures or hemorrhoids, it may very well be the Salads causing it.
For some reason, some men of European descent lose the ability to digest raw vegetables completely.
What, really?
Any source on that. I’m gonna go looking myself but you might know better so I’m leaving this comment.
Just what my butt doctor told me.
News to me.
Bidets… You don’t have bidets?
Nah he didn’t even run for reelection
Obviously, a bidet is the best way to have a clean butt, but baby wipes are a good compromise when in public bathrooms, they clean much better than dry toilet paper. Or wash on the side of the bathtub.
Don’t flush them no matter what the packaging says, though.
Real ones use bidet or a watering can first then wipe to simply dry. Much cleaner.
A watering can? Like, for plants?
Yes, I did some searching and I suppose something like a “lota” would be more accurate. But a watering can with 1 hole rather than many
Use a bidet, I find whenever I have a burning, the bidet does it.
The blood is likely from a popped hemroid
Moving to Finland was the best thing for my my butt. So clean.
Bidets are awesome, I used it even when I don’t need to poop
