I’ll (23M) try to summarize:
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Mom and Dad were authoritarian parents who never gave us comfort or affection. They were very impatient and demanding. Dad would physically and verbally abuse us. Mom would do nothing to intervene. Even when he threw a goddamn toddler across the living room.
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By the time I was born, my parents didn’t appear to have any romantic or sexual chemistry. It was a constant hot-cold dynamic of fighting and silence.
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My parents had fragile egos; any criticism would lead to rage and punishment. Brother turned out the same way, but his anger would lead to violence.
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Since I was the youngest, I was bullied by Dad and Brother. I was shamed for being sensitive to the abuse and wanting comfort.
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Brother would easily become explosively enraged and take it out on his environment, screaming and breaking things. Mom and Dad made fun of his reactions and didn’t care about his feelings.
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Dad was overtly hateful and would openly advocate for genocide for any country or group of people he didn’t like.
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From a young age I became intensely sexually attracted to receiving nurture and affection. This created far fewer awkward moments than one might think, thanks to the environment I lived in, but it led to paralyzing insecurities later since it was a behavior my parents never exhibited and mainstream pornography didn’t showcase it.
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I also became insecure about my empathy and desire to care for others because none of my family members modeled this behavior.
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The moment Brother discovered YouTube (probably 7-10 years old), he immediately looked up videos of characters being set on fire and melting in a grotesque fashion. When Dad allowed Brother to play a superhero game, he spent the entire time killing all of the civilian NPCs and laughing at their deaths instead of following the game’s objective.
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Even without my low self-esteem, expressing myself authentically in school as a kid was risky because my bullies would relay anything I said and did back to Brother, creating a decentralized surveillance network.
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I believed that nobody would ever like me because I was sensitive and wanted care and was shamed for those things. I struggled with masculine gender roles and felt like I was unwanted by the world. I became suicidal and wanted other people to hurt me.
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I was scared of expressing my feelings and ideas because I thought this would be met with violence if I said or expressed anything that my family didn’t like. I learned to be stone-faced and speak as little as possible unless I saw a strategy in doing otherwise. I pretended to listen to and care about my other family members so they wouldn’t kill me. The surveillance wherever I went ensured that this authentic expression was impossible in-person.
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Around age 13, I retreated into solitude. I had a seemingly unexplainable impulse as a young teen to bypass my family’s totalitarian control of information and self-expression by securing Internet access on other devices or bypassing parental controls. I befriended people in chat rooms and felt like it was safe to be me, though I still struggled with socializing immensely. I educated myself about everything I wasn’t allowed to learn about and slowly learned how to talk to people. This outside contact is what made me feel less isolated and allowed me to learn about how pro-social humans think and act, though my sense of normalcy was still distorted by my immediate environment.
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Once I suspected I was being abused and made a futile attempt to call it out, my mother taught me to fear Child Protective Services and never tell anyone about the conditions at home or else CPS would put me into a worse place.
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We had a dog, but I had to witness Dad beating the poor thing every fucking day while Mom pretended nothing was happening.
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My parents insisted on me keeping the bedroom door unlocked even when they knew I might be jerking off. Once, my Dad forcibly unlocked my door while I was masturbating to see what porn I was watching, something he used as blackmail 7 years later.
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I had to reconstruct a vision of what love looked like through my vivid sexual fantasies and verify with online friends that they have similar feelings.
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Brother developed a worldview in which he is a god and his seminal fluid makes him powerful. He explicitly wants to “dominate” women and “destroy their egos” and he cites random reoccurring numbers and symbols as signs that he is the chosen one. He dreams of living in a mansion with dozens of wives and hundreds of kids. He says that relationships built on cooperation and compromise are too complicated and it’s more practical to take absolute control.
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Brother, seeking an outlet for his rage, went on to torture and kill a bird and display its corpse in a tree and beat his ex-girlfriend’s cat to death. He fantasizes about shooting up peaceful protests and believes that emotional men are the downfall of civilization. When Dad asked him if he would be willing to kill me, he said yes, thinking I couldn’t hear. Most recently, Brother went into a destructive rage and threatened to kill Dad with his knife. I stayed holed up in my room and prepared to jump out of the bedroom window if I had to make a run for it.
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Mom pearl-clutches and threatens to withhold sustenance from me if I criticize her, but will allow Brother to scream at her and command her and won’t even protest.
Earlier this week, I finally woke up and saw that all of my family members are batshit insane and incapable of change; there is zero logic to their behavior and all of my insecurities were me indirectly blaming myself for it. I took some short trips out into the real world and found out that pro-social and progressive people are everywhere. Much of my anxiety lifted and I could suddenly see examples of people loving and caring for people like me everywhere. I finally felt like people could love me and I felt genuinely happy FOR THE FIRST TIME because I realized the world is WAY less hellish than I thought at first and it’s worth the effort to escape. I accepted so many things as normal because I was too scared to talk to anyone in the real world to challenge my beliefs.
Now, I’ll have to risk my life to escape, but the chance for freedom beats the slow death of depression. Even if I am killed in my attempt to find freedom, I don’t think anything is more painful than submission. I will die at the happiest point of my life.
Unfortunately, I’m very suspicious of men because of the whole violence and homicide thing. I want to know how common men like this are in the general population and what signs I should look out for. Although, since most murders are committed by those the victim knows, I have a feeling that the men who I have to worry the most about are the ones who live under the same roof.
So I’m curious how fucked this is. Worst 20% of households? 5%? 1%? Should I expect people with trauma like this to be walking around everywhere, or did I genuinely win the shit lottery?
100% upbringing. Like 5% of households. Your childhood was the stuff of nightmares being raised by narcissistic people.
You need an internet hug.
Nah, there is probably also a strong genetic component.
The book The Sociopath Next Door asserts that up to 4% of people are sociopaths, defined as people who lack empathy and conscience. Many sociopaths end up being celebrities, politicians, or CEOs, as they seek fame/power/money and don’t have empathy for others acting as an internal ethical conscience; not all end up violent.
Your father and brother, and possibly even mother fall on this scale. They are just on the extreme violent side of it.
So how many households are like yours? I’d assert, based on that book, it’s a max of 4%. But more likely it’s significantly lower than that since yours is on the extreme side.
The majority of people are not like them.
If you think about it as “What’s the percentage chance that 1 of 4 family members is a sociopath? What’s the percentage that 2 family members are sociopaths?”, then I think it has to be less than 4%. Genetics make it more likely than 4% * 4%, I think.
I… Jesus. I had a fucked up childhood, and I know more people who’ve had fucked up childhoods than most, and this one. Assuming it’s all true this one takes the goddam cake. I’d estimate my own situation is probably top 20%, yours is… Well. You made it to adulthood so it’s not the worst I’ve heard of.
While in general men (at least in America) tend to get some unsavory things drilled into them in their upbringing, violence being one of them, it’s not common for it to be this level. Being physical with your friends is normal. Violence to that degree is far less so, I’ve known, as far as I’m aware, no one who is up where your brother is. The most common issue I hear from most people with most men is like… Immaturity. Which, while not great, also is not even on the same plane as punching a cat to death.
One of the things that kept me stuck here for so long was the belief that most men were just as violent as my dad and brother were. I took men being physical as evidence that they would kill people who made them angry. Since Dad constantly threatened my life whenever I did something he didn’t like, I assumed that men outside would just kill me since there aren’t any family ties (which I thought was the only reason my dad spared me).
No, most men are not murderers and will not just kill you. People like your father and brother are exceptions in how they behave. There are kind people out there who would never do a thing like that.
In some cases, people who are like your father or brother might feel that you are traumatised and used to that behaviour. So, if you encounter anyone acting like them, leave immediately. Kind people might feel not as familiar, but there are many of them and they might even help or protect you.
I feel for you. You deserve kindness and care. It is a good thing that you are a kind person and that you remained like that even with all you have been through. I hope you find an environment with people who are also like that where you can heal.
The way your family is, is not normal. And the way your life is right now, is not what life should be. And this is not your fault, but it is because of the environment you are in. And this can change.
Maybe you can get help from a domestic violence protection organisation to make sure you have a way to get away safely.
deleted by creator
Oh wow i just woke u
Hm yeah, some pepple shouldnt reproduce
JFC
I am a manly guy and no, none of this is normal, none of this is “manly”, and what you went through is just insane and I wish I could give you a hug, man…
Get out
Leave
Now
The more time you stay there, the more risk you’re running. You can’t save them, you can’t save their future victims, but you can save yourself. Save yourself.
You can’t choose your family, but you can find good friends who will care for you. Build a new life with them and slowly forget the hell you were brought up in.
If this is for real, I’m sorry and wow. Certainly less than 1%. That part where he believes himself to be a deity and that his seminal fluid makes him powerful is crazy. Anyway, even for someone who has had heavy parent-related trauma, limited intellectual capacities, no moral framework, and almost certainly being on the spectrum, this is just outrageous.
I knew some families with that behavior. They are rare, but extremely hurtful. Look into trauma therapy (and ask a therapist what makes them qualified for that, instead of taking their word). You may have developed some hidden coping mechanisms just to survive, and a (good) therapist can help you determine if those mechanisms help or hurt you.
Your brother’s behavior seems extremely uncommon, to say the least. I can’t imagine that behavior being tolerated in a (functional) work place.
I wish you the best.
If you’re underaged, record this stuff and go to CPS. If you’re a young adult, find a local support group and make plans to leave without any notice.
Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I’m an adult, so at least I have more options.
I’m still deprogramming from all of this stuff. I have my first therapy appointment next week and I’m starting to realize that my situation might be particularly spicy. I kind of thought on some level that this totalitarian control is just the average conservative household and I just had to deal with it for a little longer. But now that my brother is getting angrier and making death threats against my own parents, I’m starting to think that my only option is to get the FUCK out of here.
You need to leave.
Preferably in the next three to five minutes. Grab your shit and go. Even homelessness is better than this.
Even homelessness is better than this.
I’m worried about freezing to death. Do you know of any decent cities in the U.S.? I have enough money to get a plane ticket to any state in the country.
West coast is pretty ideal. Any major city will do, make sure you’re in an urban environment for support, comfort, and a healthy society.
Make sure they can’t find you.
Do you have any skills, education, or any means of finding work?
I learned to program on my own pretty decently and made a website that a few thousand people use in a niche gaming community. I basically built a free product that’s very useful to a specific set of people.
Unfortunately, my college plans got sidetracked because I developed a chronic illness and it’s been hard to go places and pay attention to lectures. I tried online college at home, but my brother’s violence made it impossible to focus. Without a source of income, trying to continue with college might be risky, since I may not find a way to repay all of the debt.
Hmm. I’d suggest adding some sort of tip jar to your website if you haven’t already. Luckily programming is a solid skill that you can monetize to help free yourself from your toxic environment. Perhaps you can do contract programming jobs on a site like fiverr (other commenters may have better suggestions on where you could find work for that)
If I were you I’d focus almost entirely on getting almost any job and making friends somewhere.
- Whether we like it or not, in this world, money is our ticket to independence. Whatever you do or wherever you end up going, you’re going need some kind of regular income to survive.
- A job will take up some of your time and get you out of the house and away from these people. Friends will do the same.
- The cost of living is expensive, and having some kind of friends and roommates who you like and trust is an invaluable asset to living a stable and happy life right now. Even with a decent job it can be hard to afford to live on your own, so having a couple decent roommates makes things a lot easier. Some people (like myself) are lucky enough to have a great family as a support network, but you’re going to need to lean into friends. If you have some decent friends online who are interested in maybe being roommates, that might point you in a solid direction of where you can go next.
Not from the US but Hawaii always looked like a nice place.
I found this. https://www.togetherestranged.org/
Put together a Bug Out Bag. Even if you don’t think you can leave right now, just put it together.
Yeah dude, that’s not the worst first world childhood I’ve heard of, but it’s impressive how close it is. You’re in the worse 1% for sure based on my experience as someone with a downright sunny childhood compared to yours and a cptsd diagnosis from it
I’m genuinely sorry that this has been your life up until now, and I’d like to offer genuine hope that it can get better. You’re on the right track, seeking support, clarity, and safety.
From your description above, I can sadly say that my childhood was horrifically similar, and even though I escaped into homelessness as a teen (note: I thought I was punk AF and could survive anything, though I very nearly didn’t. Even w/o a drug addiction, etc. the experience was close to lethal several times over), it took me until I was in my mid-20s to finally cut them all out of my life.
Fast forward, and I’ve spent a considerable amount of my career either focusing on outreach for those in need, or somehow involving support for those communities in whatever I was making a living at.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is this: once you’re safe and making progress on what you feel is important to your own life, it matters very little indeed what they’re doing with theirs. 🖖🏽 Get safe, find your happiness, seek your own ways to make this world better for others like you. ❤️🔥 Only then can you plant those proverbial shade trees.
Sorry that happened to you OP. Get out as soon as you can. If you have to apply for the army or whatever to do that then do. That environment is dangerous. Get away from them and dont look back. Wishing you the best OP.
I’m sorry. The first point alone is enough für being royally fucked. The second on top makes it worse and I stopped reading soon thereafter, it’s might only get worse and is hurtful to read. Again, sorry.
This is not common, but absolutely a symptom of generations of abuse. Glad you’re breaking the cycle. I feel bad for your brother. He’s just a really hurt little boy who never got love. I hope one day he may see the benefit of intensive therapy. Maybe a psychedelic trip in a therapeutic setting. Hopefully he doesn’t hurt somebody too bad. Make sure the stay far away from them all. They’re dangerous.
Anedotes:
Dad is kinda chill except like a few instances of rage and he one time tried to break a computer because of me and my brother’s “computer addiction”, and some times broke bowls/plates.
Never actually threw things at us…
My older brother…
Oh jeez
The earliest memory I have is him using zip ties to restrain me because he was annoyed by me, his younger brother that’s 5 years younger than him. He was like 11… jesus christ
I can’t imagine how much abuse he might’ve done to me when I was even younger and didn’t remember due to childhood amnesia.
He chased me around the house trying to beat me when I just dashed outside the door and ran out of the apartment into the city, I was 6 years old in the city of Guangzhou, China.
I was that scared that I just went looking for my mom at her workplace (been there before and I remember the way). My mom was so shocked that I even know how to get there when I later told her. She left work when my grandma who was watching us (good job, grandma, my brother was fighting me and she didn’t even do anything) at home called her, and so she left work to call the police for help to look for me. So I didn’t find her at work so I just took the bus again to go home. Bus driver didn’t give a shit about the fare lol.
I remember my mother used to slap me in the palm of my hand when I was in China, but didn’t really do it as much once we arrived in the US because the fear of CPS (Child Protection Services)
In Brooklyn, NY, I remember sometimes I was at home with my brother while parents went outside for something, and I remember being in fights a lot. I was so scared all the time.
When in school, I got bullied by both male and female classmates, so theres that.
But my brother never killed an animal, yet.
I have a cat home… its still alive so… not as fucked as your situation.
But yea my brother is a racial supremacist, he hates black and brown people.
I have a lot of moments where there was a lot of yelling in the house, stuff being thrown, mom and my older brother fighting… so yeah… my abusive family abusing each other… just another day…
I don’t think this is exclusively a male thing tho.
But your situation definitely sounds more fucked up than mine.
And yeah that “CPS = Bad” is something that my mom always said to me… doesn’t help that we’re immigrants so its even scarier for an immigrant child like me to even think of reporting anything… I mean we could’ve gotten deported…
Mom keeps telling me that authorities are bad and don’t involve them in any domestic violence, but then turns around and threatens to call the police on me for “misbehaving”.
This ain’t China, mom, American cops just gonna shoot all of us lmfao.
