cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/43035630
One of mines:
All the kids had a name, all except
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises. When do we want it? Right neooooowwwww
My new favourite short joke…
You hear about the non binary prospector? Found gold in them/their hills!
I like this, bitta old bitta new
Clean:
Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a wide river. Blonde 1 yells: How do I get to the other side? Blonde 2 yells back: You’re already there!
Dirty:
Three generations of prostitutes were sitting around discussing their trade. The daughter complains,“I’m only getting $20 for a blowjob.” The mother pipes up and says, “Back in my day we only got $5.” Then the grandmother speaks up and says, “During the great depression we were happy to just have something warm in our belly.”
(this one is better if you do an old lady voice for the last line.)
Rub your belly in reminiscence for added ick.
I went to a zoo, it sucked and had only one exhibit.
It was a shitzu
And
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!
It’s not my favourite but it’s dark so it really sticks in my mind:
spoiler
I’ve heard this as two priests.
Flip the racism by making it two MAGAts, and you’ve got yourself a gem.
You know what mothballs smell like?
Spoiler
How do you get their little legs apart?
If they say “yes”, that works, but if they say “no”, then go with:
Spoiler
Damn. I thought you might know how to get their little legs apart.
I know a really good knock-knock joke but need you to start it.
knock knock
Come in.
Who’s there?
Taser
Taser wh-!!!
deleted by creator
Taser wh who
LOL nice.
An old guy is turning 100 so his friends decide to hire a prostitute for him to celebrate his birthday. She shows up and says to him “Are you ready for some super sex?” And the old guy thinks for a moment and says “…I will have the soup”
This classic.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, “does this taste funny to you?”
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
spoiler
Two, but I don’t know how they got in there.
Piggybacking off this to add more lightbulb jokes.
The best joke I’ve ever heard was delivered by a German friend with an incredible deadpan delivery
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
!“One. We are a very efficient people”!<
Another one!
How many emos does it take to change a lightbulb?
!None. They all just sit in the dark crying.!<
(I should clarify that I find this one funny because when I first heard it, it very much applied to me. I felt mildly attacked, but not in a hurtful way)
A boat carrying red paint collided with a boat carrying blue paint in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The crews of both ships were marooned.
What do you get after 16 sodium atoms?
BATMAN!
I was once asked if sodium was my favorite element. I replied: “Na”.
What’s 6.022e23 avocados equal?
1 guacaMOLE
What’s 6.02214076×10^23 mol^−1 avocados?
An Avogadro’s constant of avocados
*Avocado’s constant
A pirate walks into the bar with a ship’s steering wheel attached to his belt buckle.
The bartender inquires about the wheel, and the pirate responds, “Yarrr, it’s drivin me nuts!”
Piggybacking off your comment to leave a pirate joke of my own.
“What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?”
(Ideally, the audience will reply “Arrr!” this this. It works best if you prime them for this by doing a bad pirate impression earlier in the conversation, or tell a joke such as “What’s a pirate’s favourite animal? An aardevark!”)
“You might think so, but a pirate’s true love be the C (sea)”
Bonus joke! What’s a pirate’s least favourite letter?
!Dear Sir or Madam, your IP address has been recorded downloading infringing copyrighted material on…!<
